Bathing Beauty

After a blow out of massive proportions there was only one thing to do, damage control and an emergency bath. I forgot how much waste material a little body can produce. :-) It's really funny to watch Shiloh in the bath because she just sits back and relaxes as if she were at the spa. I feel like if she could talk she would ask me "to put just a tab more hot water and fix her a bottle warm not hot as well". She is so cute and just sits there moving her hands in the water. I love it!!! I couldn't help but to break out the camera that my folks gave us and snap a few pics for you to enjoy.

I just cannot get over how beautiful she is and what a calm baby she is. I am starting to distinguish between her couple of cries as well which alleviates some of my feeling like a failure. I think that we are all getting to know each other and getting comfortable.

Yesterday was my first day back to work. I was sad and mad as my place of employment messed up my PTO (paid time off) and I ended up with only two weeks off instead of four weeks. What can you do? It was an interesting day and I had a couple of little medical procedures that were almost too much for my stomach, and I have a strong stomach. I was submerged in paperwork from the two weeks that I was gone and the new med. sheets for the month of October had to be checked and gone over with a fine tooth comb for any mistakes. Yippee!!!! Mean while Steven and daughter were having a nice afternoon anticipating my return and we hung out as a fam. that night. I love this new reality and cannot even remember life before. What were we doing? Who knows.

My Heart Alive

This is not a direct post about Shiloh however there is much mention of her. I will post later today. I have some great pics of her taking a bath which she loves. It is so funny! I wanted to share from my heart if for anything other than to get it off my chest. This seasons in my life over the last 9 months has been riddled with self reflection, discovery about my weaknesses, and revelation of God's great endurance and kindness to me. I have see through my own tough guy facade to see the real me and it is a rough transition. I had an encounter with the Lord only days before we got the call for Shiloh that I will never forget. Jesus met me on a vast mountain range and just as I was about to crest the peak thinking that my journey was done, the mountain range extended out beyond the horizon. I was crushed and cried out that I could not go on any further. Jesus in His mercy was showing me that this was not the end, but only the beginning. It was a startling revelation but with His gentle touch my heart was made ready for the long trek. Now instead of Jesus and Me, it would be Jesus and us. Shiloh was to be my traveling buddy on this pilgrimage. Jesus told me that she too would need to know how to climb these mountains. My burst into tears at that thought. Would they be this very same mountain range? The barren waste land of disappointment, loss, sorrow, & sickness? Would she have to look in the face of a curse, speak to it with authority to be gone and wait patiently in the wind? Oh Lord no! Or would it be a different mountain range all together but equal in its challenges? These are questions that I will ask and the answers I will pray into. For now I must learn to climb the mountain to the best of my ability so that when she is ready my ceiling will be vaulted and give her a boost up to that top.
The peak that I am starring at from the bottom now is giving. Giving of everything that I am for the sake of love. Giving up and letting go for a season of loving that will only happen this once for this time in life. Giving my all for people and for the future of Shiloh. I am faced with my lack and inability. Like every new mother I feel inadequate and helpless. I am stunned by the insufficient of my education in nursing when it comes to the emotional strain that lack of sleep and frustration can bring. Shiloh is amazing and doesn't cry that much and sleeps pretty good, but I find it very hard to sleep during the day and there is always a million things to do when she is asleep. I want to give her everything that I can in love, in spiritual maturity, & in care. I know that I am going to peak this mountain like the others, but I also know that in the climb many things in my backpack will have to be sacrificed as I carry myself and Shiloh up this summit. Things like pride, selfish ambition, my own desires for the good of her, and vanity. These things that I think are not in my pack, but are right in the top of my bag. If those are in the top portion of my backpack, then what is in the bottom that weighs so much? Oh my soul...one thing at a time. Jesus knows that if He were to reveal all the things that I carry around with me, thinking that they are supplies, that I would turn around and just jump off the mountain. Now with Shiloh strapped to my chest (nearest to my heart) there is no other option but to make it to the top. No matter the cost I must make it to the top. It is at the top that I can rest and get my strength. It is at the top of the mountain that I an refreshed from the climb and can celebrate a little. Some peoples waste lands, their personal wildernesses are flat and hot places. Others it is a deadly forest with dangers lurking behind every tree. For me now it is a steep mountain range with jagged rocks and long falls looming over the edge. I am roped into Jesus for only He knows the best ways up the mountain. So right now I am setting up my base camp. I am preparing my gear , love. patience, long suffering in joy, gentleness...to carry me through and emptying my bag of the things that would hinder.
I am grateful for Shiloh's company on the journey. I am learning that all those hidden places come with hidden treasures. The unmeasurable wealth of surrender and revelation. To empty myself of false paradigms and false expectations and to grab hold of reality in Jesus. To become more like Christ. Father of Glory give to me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation. I have prayed that prayer a thousand times and yet now more than ever my heart feels its desire. God I need your wisdom and revelation to guide me on this journey. More is at stake than my wants and my petty moaning. Come God, give to me the jewels of your revelation.

Shiloh's Day At The Doctors

Today at 10:45 am I took Shiloh for her first pediatrician appointment. I was excited because not only was I going to see how big my little peanut has grown, but also I used to work at this particular office. They have seen many ups and downs with my physical health and also heard me talk about how we were going to adopt someday. Well today I was able to walk through the well baby side and present my beautiful daughter to them. The nurses had been watching the clock to see if it was time for Shiloh to come in and when we arrived everyone was at the check in desk to see her. I had run to Wal-Mart to pic up some yummy photos that I sent via email last night just so that in between holdings people could see a little more of her. I love that you can email Wal-Mart pics and pick them up the next day. Technology can be our friend.

This morning I dressed Shiloh in something simple since she was bound to end up buck naked anyways. A cute little brown and pink poke a dot outfit and off white pants. She was adorable and even cuter in her birthday suit. After she was cuddled somewhere in the nurses area, we finally landed in room # 13, which I had taken many patients to with their little bundles before. It was the biggest room in the office which was nice as we were bombarded with all my nurse friends wanting to see our little joy. She was alert and looking around which made meeting her even more fun. We striped her down after a quick snack and took her to the scales. What was the results you ask....she is getting so big. She weighed in at 6lbs 10oz at birth and 18 in long. Now that whole 18in long at birth is sketchy sometimes as the baby doesn't always want to stretch out all the way and the nurses are using a tape measure. At the office it is a board with a yard stick fastened to it that you hold their head to one end and a little slide that you put their feet to. It is way more accurate.

So here are her numbers:

Wt. 7lbs 1oz , Ht 19 3/4in, Head 13 1/2. WOW!!!!

She grew! 7 pounds, I can't believe it however I see and feel it, she is a totally different looking baby than on 9/11. It is amazing! I am not sure how long those numbers held, since when we got back to the room she pooped and peed all over the bed before I got a diaper back on her. Whoops.

As the doctor came in we joked about her name. When I worked with Dr. Daniels I would joke that we were going to name a girl Mini Cooper so when she walked in she asked where was Mini. She looked over Shiloh with the thoroughness that I remembered and that made me feel really good. It was one of the main reasons that I chose to go there. Shiloh acted like she had done that sort of thing a million times without making even a whimper. I was so impressed with her. We got an excellent report as I expected and got the little princess dressed. More nurses desired her presence in the phone nursing area so after we loaded up the generous amount of formula samples that our nurse Theresa gave us we made an appearance in the other end of the office. I was on cloud nine as my friends talked about how beautiful my daughter was. I was so humbled and thankful, and super blessed. It was a great visit and now that we have one visit to the Dr. under our belt we can have our caseworker come to do a post placement visit and get us one step closer to finalization! Yea!!

Shiloh's Modeling Debut

We had Nick Loux, our consultant and friend's son come and take some pictures of Shiloh. Nick is phenomenal in his photography skills. One day we are going to see his work in prominent magazines for sure. I am so proud because I know that my teaching him in biology somehow helped to propelled him in that field. J.K. ;-) I love Nick he is simple phenomenal!! Here's a little preview of the pictures and our new decor scheme.

Isn't she beautiful!!!!!!

WOW I still can't believe it!

We Are Home!!!

Friends, at long last we have gotten the necessary paper work through the state of Missouri and we went home last night. It has been 2 days short of 2 weeks since we left home and our old life, to welcome in our beloved daughter and the start of something truly great. As we went into our home I felt this release of finality, even though we still have a few more steps before we are officially finished and Shiloh is permanently ours. There is no danger of her not being ours, it is just the shuffling of paper work now. October 17th is our final court date as long as we get our case worker into our home a final time to do a post placement visit to check us out one last time. Then we just send a copy of her report to our lawyer and he takes it to the judge. The judge will sign it and WA-la, we have an official daughter.

I was overwhelmed this morning as I came back in after Shiloh and I took a walk of the great love that I have for Shiloh, and it is only the smallest fraction of what God has for me. To the seemingly great lengths that Steven and I have gone through to get Shiloh, God went to that times the power of 10 in sending His most beloved Son. Even now as I listen to Laura Hackett sing "Sing to Jesus" by Justin Rizzo my heart is flooded with a torrent of emotions and joy unspeakable. We are home and I just laid my beautiful daughter down for a nap. My house once filled with the hum of life as usual is now fluttering with newness and joy of something completely other than.

We are so blessed and last night as we were putting Shiloh down for the night, we were revisiting God's utter kindness to "nobodies" like us. That through everything He has revealed His love, faithfulness, goodness, and unending mercy to us. Through the body of Christ we have receive love and care, through our brief time with Danny we saw that everyone has whispers of Eden and the original intent of love, through Shiloh we have been hammered with the reality that we are God's forever and that He truly loves us in the most unimaginable ways, and now being home I find my heart has this longing for Jesus in a way that takes my very breath away. I love this Man that I sing about and this Man that constantly pursues me though I leave Him time and again. I love this humble Man that loves beyond comprehension and I love this Father that spared no expense to bring me Home.
Oh my friends, words cannot express and even now as I sit typing with tears brimming my eyes I am grateful and I will never forget as the famous song says, how great is His love for me.
We are home.

Our Hide Out Videos

This first video gives you and outside look of our host home in Andover,KS. The second is a look at the inside. It was a nice house and I was a little bored so I took these videos. I am not sure, but I might have a career infront of the lense. ;-0 J.K.

So What Are You Waiting On?

Wanted to give you a short update on where we are and why we are, where we are. We are still in Kansas, Lenexa, Kansas to be exact. We are staying with a wonderful family that I will be very sad to leave. Last night Steven ordered pizza and then we had family night playing Taboo. It was so fun but the Cooper's surprisingly did not take home the gold. In fact we haven't even taken Shiloh home yet. We are waiting on our paper work to get approved by the state of Missouri, so that we can cross the state line without fear of being charged with kidnapping. It is weird and funny but we feel like outlaws in a way. Steven crosses over almost everyday to go to IHOP, and I went once for two hours to see my dog and go to EGS, but we cannot take Shiloh. It is weird. But this is part of the process and this is what we have to do. Our friends the Bohlenders are also waiting for Missouri to approve their paper work to bring home their little twins Anna and Mercy.
So that is a short post (finally huh!) on where we are and why we are, where we are.

The Spirit Of Adoption In Motion!!!!

This is a must read and an action now kind of thing!!!

Friends, I have something truly wonderful to share with you. Our friends the Bohlender's just got twin girls today. I say "got" because less then 24 hours ago someone posted a comment on Randy Bohlender's blog saying that their sister in law gave birth to twin girls and wanted to give them up for adoption, and did any one at IHOP want them. Not just was this an answer to prayer for the Bohlender's who had wanted to adopt twins, but they have said to the Lord that they would take any baby or babies that the Lord laid before them. After tracking the commenter down and found out that in 48 hours the babies would go into state custody Randy and Kelsey hopped on a plane to get these little ones with zero info. about them other than they needed to be ransomed. They met the birth mother, she signed them over, they borrowed money to pay the lawyers, bought some car seats and rented a hotel where they are now getting to know these two precious love bugs. Click http://rbohlender.blogspot.com/ to read Randy's blog and http://tracieloux.blogspot.com/ to find out how you can give towards their $15,000 need. There is coming a day very soon where people will just know that they can call up a house of prayer and ask if there is anyone who would take unwanted babies. We have to be ready. Contact Tracie Loux at: tracie@christianadoptionconsultants.com to find out how you can be ready to ransom a little one who needs a home. Psalms 68:6,7 God is doing a new thing and we as the body of Christ need to do all that we can to partner with Him. Not everyone can take in these little ones, but we can all pray and we can all give something.

The Bohlender's are going to need a lot. These little beauties are around 5lbs a piece so they will need preemie clothes, preemie diapers, a double stroller, and all that comes with babies times two. I am going to start collecting things for them and if you would like to drop something by for them or mail them something please email me at zadok78@hotmail.com for my contact info. and address. They are awaiting state clearance like us before they can return to Missouri, but lets welcome them home and shower them with love and supplies!

Our Hide Out Pt.2

I couldn't get my post to let me edit "Our Hide Out" so I decided to make a part two. I think that I was discussing our walks on their property and here are some pictures of the lake and the giant rainbow that went from one end of their property to the other the day before we went to court. It was awesome and I tried my best to capture it. Our camera is from the dark ages of first generation digital cameras and doesn't do the rainbow justice. I was so excited about it that when Steven returned from a Wal-Mart run, I ran to show him the picture that I took explaining how awesome it was. He was like cool, you mean like this and he pulled out his camera phone to show me the same rainbow over town. My bubble was burst but he did bring me goodies to ease my photographic disillusionment.

This picture below makes me want to eat a bowl of Lucky Charms. ;-)

When we were not walking outside we were inside adoring our little Shiloh, changing diapers, making bottles, and watching shows like God TV and the History Channel. The Peckhams had Direct TV so we took advantage in the wee hours of the morning to watch Mike Bickle do the Daily Devotionals on God TV and watched some cool documentaries on people like Abraham Lincoln and places like Tibet and China. We are not huge TV watchers but if you are going to watch TV on a huge big screen you might as well watch something educational right? We ate a lot since the kitchen was free range and desserts were plentiful. Anyone that knows Steven and I, know that we have the self control of Water Buffalo during the rainy season in Africa, not much. We could eat all day and then at night go back for seconds.

After our day at court we felt very ready to head home. Not that there wasn't enough room because in a 8500 sqft house that is not true. We wanted to be near friends and closer to family to share our little one. We got 6 glorious days to bond with Shiloh and we think so very highly of her we wanted others to as well. We just had to finalize where we would be staying in Kansas City Kansas till our state clearance came and we could hit the road. Tuesday the 16th we got up around 10am and took our time getting all our stuff together. That is one thing that I have really enjoyed. I usually rush around and we are usually get up and get there people, but since Shiloh has come into our lives we are now take your time and take it easy people. I am liking the change.

We left Andover and our mansion hide out around 2:30pm on Tues. the 16th and traveled for about an hour before we stopped at a McDonalds. Now normally when we travel it is drive thru service only, but then again we are now the take your time people and take our time we did. Between feeding Shiloh, changing Shiloh, eating and then starring at Shiloh it was about and hour stop. We arrived in Lenexa, Kansas around 6:30pm to the Banderman's home.

The Bandermans are a family that attend IHOP and have agreed to take us into their home and family till our paper work is final. Steven and Debbie have been married for 15 years and have two teen sons. They moved to KC about a year ago and are currently finishing their foster care applications in Kansas. Their hearts at the moment are to help couples that are adopting. like us, and then also to do interim fostering for babies before they go to their adoptive homes. As with any family that moves to KC for IHOP their story is one of faith and provision with lots of guessing in the middle. Waiting on what God would have them lock into and getting their kids established in the IHOP teen scene. We love them and they have been a huge blessing taking us in.

On Tues. as we arrived bringing in bags and bags of stuff Debbie led us to their master bedroom and told us that she was going to take the guest room so that we would have more space and our own bathroom. We were humbled and blessed. Their room is spacious and the bathroom has a killer jet tub that I hope to take advantage of sometime while we are here. We got settled in, set up the play yard with its bassinet, got the changing area set up and a bottle station. When the Cooper's move into your house we move in with many stations and many bags. We have a baby suitcase with her blankets, burp rags, outfits, socks, etc. We have a suitcase, a toiletries bag, a food bag, and a misc. bag. Debbie asked how long we thought that we would be staying and with an honest answer I had to tell her that we were not sure. Maybe a week or a little longer. We hoped by that Friday that our Missouri papers would be filed and we would get clearance but we couldn't guarantee. She was happy and said, "you are welcome as long as you need". Her husband was away on a business trip till Friday and one of her sons was on a school trip so we were not a crowding factor for now anyways.

As we settled in to our new hide out I had to laugh at our kooky adoption process and now the fact that we were literally 20 min. from our house and yet we couldn't go there, at least not with Shiloh. That though we had already been through so much and Shiloh at 6 days old had traveled to three different cities, Missouri had not yet recognized that she was ours and we could be charged with the equivalent of kidnapping if we went into Missouri without their approval. It is wild and I felt a little like an outlaw. But we are happy to be close to home and so blessed with how God continues to provide for us in this journey.

A Few Of Our Favorite Things

This last week and half have been blissful and time is escaping me as I try to burn Shiloh's every movement into my memory. She is beautiful, soft, sweet, mellow, and a great eater. I feel as if she is so big already and I can't wait to take her to the doctor to see how much she's grown. There are a few things that she does that thrills my heart and causes tears to well up in my eyes. Here are 10 favorite thing so far about Shiloh.

1) I love the fact that this little Shiloh is mine forever and looking at her I feel as if she has always been with me.

2) I love the way she puts her arms under her chin as she sleeps.

3). I cannot get over her adorable lips. They make the cutest pucker.
4) Whether voluntary or involuntary movement , she smiles so much and it makes me laugh.

5) I love how when she is starting to cry a little I can put my hand next to her face and she rolls into it and rest again.

6) I love her little milk bubbles that she makes when she's had enough to eat.

7) I love how long her little fingers and toes are. Steven says that he is going to start her on bass lessons soon.

8) When she is sleeping, sometimes she lets out this little whimper that is absolutely adorable.

9) I love dressing her in her outfits because nothing fits her tiny little body. I love how little she is.
10) I love how she stares up at us when we feed her and grabs our fingers with her little hands.

She is amazing and I could sit here all day and talk about what I love and how awesome being her mom is. She is my one of a kind lovely, whom I am smitten with. She is my new prayer partner and sleeping buddy. I cannot get over this amazing feet that God has accomplished. He has brought us together and made a family. He has made a way for something truly beautiful and I am forever grateful. To everyone who sowed financialy and in prayer for Shiloh's ransom thank you! Here are 10 things that we now love together.

Our Hide Out

I am still trying to upload the videos from the house in Andover that we stayed at but I will go ahead and share some pics and what our time was like there. The house belongs to our case worker and lawyer who have been married for over 30 years, have seven children, 17 grandchildren and run Adoption Connections of Kansas Inc. which we went through to get Shiloh. After we were discharged from the hospital on the 12th we set out to drive the two hours to Andover where we were blessed to have a free place to stay with meals. When you are writing checks in the amounts of $ 10,000 and $4500, every little penny that you can save pays off.

We got to the house around 4pm on the 12th to meet up with our case worker who gave us the tour and showed us where everything was. As soon as she had gotten us settled she was off again. I am not sure that Joanna ever sits down to rest. The Peckhams open up their home for guest regularly, as evident by the house design. They knew that their house would be full alot so they made sure that there was plenty of room. There were two other couples staying there as well. One couple was waiting for their baby to be born by c-section on the next Tuesday and the other had their baby and were leaving the day after we arrived. We were shown to our room where we wouold spend the next few days staring at our new joy Shiloh, and trying to catch up on sleep whenever possible. It was a nice bedroom downstairs with a big window in one corner. The bed was super comfortable and there was a glider rocker in the other corner. It was a perfect place to get to know Shiloh.

The grounds of their property were stunning. They live on 20 acres out in the country with no houses immediatly near them. They have a couple of ponds and a lake that Shiloh and I took a couple of walks around. We walked, talked, and prayed and Steven joined us some as well. I like when he takes a walk with me because I end up with great wild flower bouquets.

Our Court Day

If you have been following our adoption story from start to finish or if you have browsed some of our previous post, then you know that we have a wild ride. From home study, to match, to funny and frustrating caseworker stories it has been a blessing and a curse that we are reminding ourselves of everyday as we stare into the face of our beautiful baby. It was worth is all. Though my body didn't grow extra parts or nourish Shiloh from egg to out, we have bent over backwards filling out mountains of paperwork, going to interviews, having people scan our lives for errors, and waiting for their approval for us to be parents. God has given us so much grace and provided in ways that we though impossible and on the day we went to court it was not different.

On Monday Sept.15 we got up and I took a little walk with Shiloh around the Peckham's property(our lawyer/caseworker's) and then did some laundry. I was excited and couldn't wait till 2pm when we were to meet our lawyer dressed and ready. I went outside and took a little video of the property and the house, now I just need to figure out how to save it to my computer so that I can post it. As 2pm approached I decided that I wasn't dress enough and changed my whole outfit. Steven gave me a hard time saying that my shirt looked like something I would wear for Christmas. Then I felt like I needed to change but then there was no time. I thought I looked spiffy and after another glance in the mirror I was sure. ;-) First impressions are everything you know. The last time I was in court it wasn't for something that anyone was happy about. This time was much different, PRAISE THE LORD!

We followed our lawyer onto the highway where we learned that he has a little bit of a lead foot. I guess if you know the judge the speed limit is irrelevant, but we were not sure that would hold up for us. Steven did his best to keep up and we made it to El Dorado, Kansas a quaint little town that reminded me of down town Van Buren, Arkansas. We got out of the car and went through the metal detectors. I went first then Steven and of course he sets it off. The first thing I thought of was great, he brought his knife and they are going to lock him up. Anyone that know Steven knows that he always has a knife and they are not flimsy little knifes either. But thankfully he left that at home. As the guard was waving the wand and it was beeping Steven began to undo his belt. Now this is a funny bunny trial and will help you appreciate his OVER cooperation.

On just about 60% of every Onething Conferences that Steven has flown to he always sets off the buzzer. Whether his belt, or change, or just little metallic particles that just happened to be floating in the air next to him, it never fails. They usually just do the wand and tell him to go on, but on a few occasions they have gone a little further. One I happened to witness and it makes me laugh to this day. It was in Laguna, CA. on the way back to KC and o course Steven goes through and alarms are sounding. They put him in this plexy glass box out in the middle of the hall and take all his stuff. After they had checked his stuff they asked him to take off his belt, shoes, and to unbutton his pants. Yup my friends, Steven got the deluxe LAX package. A Hispanic man said in a great Hispanic accent, "I am going to touch you down there, but with the back of my hands". As if that would make it any better. I am just dying on the corner of the hall watching all this and Steven is just gritting his teeth wishing he hadn't wore a belt that day. Well after the frisk down we were on our way and he didn't want to talk about it. Now do you see why he was taking off his belt at the Bulter County Court. ;-)

Well not frisk needed they took his word on the no weapons thing. We went into the county clerks office and our lawyer went to work filing our petition to adopt. He went in the door and out came a very nice clerk to look at Shiloh. Richard and Joanna do around 50 adoptions a year so the clerks know when he comes in that there is a baby close by. She held her and talk with us and I loved showing Shiloh off. She is so sweet and beautiful that it is hard to hide her.

After we filed the petition we went to a waiting room to wait till the court case that Judge Hart was in got threw.

Judge Hart and Richard our lawyer had known each other for 14 years and they do this kind of thing often. Judge Hart agreed to see us on short notice but we were not sure exactly when. We waited about 30 min. which gave us plenty of time to feed Shiloh and change her. Judge Hart is a tall man with a kind smile and he was very pleasant with us. He began reading through our home study while asking us questions. Nothing to hard just general 'are you ready" questions. After the first 15 pages he just started flipping through the papers, looked at us and with a smile said," I try to read through these things because I know you paid a fortune for them." He was referencing our home study that does cost a pretty penny and take about 6 weeks to complete. I told him that it was OK that plenty of people had seen it by now to get our money's worth. He asked if we had any questions for him and after our confident no he signed our final papers. Complete at 4pm on 9/15/08. The state of Kansas now recognized that Shiloh Abigail was indeed a Cooper and ours forever. After signing he stared at her for a moment then turn to Richard and asked if he say the Sarah Palin interview on Fox. Then for the next 20 min. we four small talked about Sarah Palin and what she means to this presidential race. Just like that, funny huh.

After a good ole boys talk on politics Judge Hart asked if we wanted pictures in the Court room to make it official. Of course we took him up on it and below are the results.

<--The Cooper's &Judge Hart.

Richard our lawyer & us.-->

Leaving For The Big House

Friday 9/12/08 was a fun and exciting day. We were scheduled to be discharged early yet the staff assured us that there was no rush that we could leave whenever. That was nice, no pressure to make check out time. I am not sure what we would have done had we not gotten a room at the hospital. I guess we would have sat in the waiting room with Shiloh all day and then had to leave her in the nursery all night alone. Oh no that would not have done well with us.

Well 10am came rolling by and our nurse came to tell us that the doctor had over slept and that he wouldn't be at the hospital till around noon to discharge us. That was funny, you never know in the small town settings how things will go. There were still plenty of things for us to do there though. We needed to get pictures for baby done, a few lab test, get all our papers and info. together, a hearing screen and to pack up. I told Julie that I would change her and get her picture ready and call her. I went to her bag to get out the outfit that I wanted her pictures take in and realized that it was going to be huge on her. She was so petite in every way. I was determined though. I layered her thinking that it might help the outfit to fit a little better. I think I just ended up making her look like and NFL line backer. I finished the ensemble with a little headband that Steven affectionately called he "brain squeezer". He wasn't so inclined to add that to the outfit but mom was in charge of this wardrobe change. We set out to the nursery to get all of our "errands run" before heading to the room to pack. Julie our nurse met us with a smile and ooo's and aaa's over her outfit. We lined her up on the little platform or her picture and she didn't like it much. After that the lab person came and that was a sad ordeal. Shiloh just screamed and cried and little baby tears came out. I just whispered to her that it would be OK and it calmed her for a second. After that we got loaded up with all kinds of great things from the nursery supply closet and were on our way out. I could see Danny's door cracked open a little and wondered if she wanted a visitor. I was shy about it so I just kept going, but then Julie led us in saying that she knew Danny would want to see us. We went in and Julie was right, Danny was glad to see us. I handed Shiloh to her to hold and she loved the outfit. We visited a while and chatted then we went back to our room. I asked Julie about the hearing test and with an almost embarrassed look she said," Connie your night nurse went ahead and did it thinking that you would sign for it." I just said "Oh.." and that's fine". After she left I looked at Steven and said,"what else did they do thinking that I would sign?" We were a little frustrated, but after all it was just a hearing test.

I changed her out of her huge outfit into a little sleeper and started to pack. At about noon the doctor hadn't come in yet and Julie came and said that Danny would like to see us if we can. We gathered our precious cargo and headed in. Tobi was there and they were sitting up with a huge gift on the bedside table. It was for Shiloh. Danny sent Tobi out to shop for her that morning, and wow did he do good. In thin big bag there were 10 outfits, a car seat toy, a very soft pin blanket, and a little bear that says a prayer when you squeeze it. I was in awe at these two 20 year olds and their love and maturity through this whole process. From the beginning Danny has known what she wanted to do, she was true to her word, and now was showering our little one with gifts. Who were these people who could love so much not knowing Jesus. After we hung out some and went back to our room tears rolled down my face as I prayed that Jesus would encounter them. I finished packing and was skimming over our room and noticed a couple of big boxes on the counter. I looked closer at them and realized that they were diapers. Julie had giving us two large boxes of diapers and refilled our cradle drawers with lots of formula to take with us. What a huge blessing. Julie and Melissa our nurses were truly angels to us.

Well we got wind of a rumor that the doctor had finally arrived around 1pm and was checking out Danny. Low and behold her waltz's into our room, all 6'3 of him. He is a pleasant man and I think a good doctor. He apologized and started checking Shiloh over. We striped her down and he did a thorough going over. "Well she's as close to perfect as you are going to get". That was a great report and we were ready to head out. Doctor Simpson went over some baby essentials and then shook our hands as he walked out our door. We were so excited and nervous to be heading out with this little beauty under our wings.

I had everything packed and Steven started taking things out to the car. Just as he was returning for the final load Danny and Tobi came into our room. They were discharged and were leaving and wanted to say one more good bye. They hugged us, kissed Shiloh and told us thank you again. We told them thank you and that we wished them well. Steven and I had given Danny a thank you letter and a little cross necklace earlier that morning. We poured out our love and gratitude in the letter and the cross matches Shiloh's that we will giver her one day when she is ready. We told Danny that it would be something that they would have in common from a very special day. It was a simple silver cross with a hand painted pink rose in the middle. Dainty and sweet and we hope that she will hold on to it. So as they left and we watched them through our window walking to their car my heart was sad. Would we ever speak again and chat like before? Only time will tell as we have left the ball in her court for communication.

The funniest part of that day was the car seat fitting I think. To the nurses we probably looked dumb loosening and tightening the straps to fit out petite little princess just right. The final good bye to the staff and a last look over the room signaled that we were on our way. We strapped Shiloh into the car and we on our way to Andover, KS. about 2 hours away. There we would stay with our case worker and lawyer in their home till the next Tuesday. We were glad to leave the loud construction sight that the hospital was, yet I was somewhat misty as we had experienced something truly amazing there.

On the road again should be our families theme song as we have traveled to four towns total since Shiloh's birth. The drive to Andover was fine until we hit Wichita, then the rain was so hard that we could barely see. We pulled off the highway to get something to drink and a potty break to find that the exit was flooded. We carefully pulled back on to the ramp thanking Jesus that Steven saw the water before we were in to deep.

Once we got to the other side of Wichita we found their address fine. It was out from the city in the country. Lots of big houses and horses on either side of the road so we had big expectations for this house. When we came round to their driveway our eyes were shocked when we pulled us to this massive house. We were there, at the BIG HOUSE

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How We Will Always Remember 9/11

At 10:52 am on Thursday 9/11/08 our lives changed forever. After getting lost looking for the country hospital that our daughter was coming into this world at, we found ourselves waiting in room # 203 at Rice County District Hospital #1 in Lyons, Kansas. Looking at the clock on the wall was all that we could do as we knew that our daughter was being pushed into the world about 30 feet away. A nurse named Melissa came in the door about 30 min. after we had arrived at the little country hospital and with a smile on her face asked if we would like to meet our daughter." Our Daughter!" Those words stunned me yet they resonated in my soul. We walked through the labor and delivery door to see Danny's door cracked open and her mom's coming out with tears in their eyes. One said "she is beautiful" and the other simply smiled holding back tears. We were escorted into another room where the doctor followed us in. In his arms was a bundle of blankets and all of a sudden a little arm poked out. "Our Daughter". I sat in the chair as they handed her to me. She was stunning and all I could do was to break down in tears. I kissed her little face and told her that she was beautiful. I leaned into tell her that she was mine and I would love her forever. I was crying so much that I could barely see her through the tears. All I could do was to kiss her and keep repeating that "I will love you forever".

Steven's eyes had tears as he leaned over my shoulder to see his little girl. As I looked to the door I noticed Danny's moms watching us love on our new little girl and I feel that seeing us with her and loving her helped bring closure to their hearts as they were saying goodbye to their granddaughter.

The doctor relayed some of the birth experience assuring us that all went well and that our daughter was healthy. As we kissed her little face laughing and crying the nurses told us there were still a few more things to do. They had to give her a shot and take foot prints for the records. Steven couldn't watch as they gave her the shot but I took her tiny hand to my finger and kissed her head as they did what they had to telling her over and over that I was there and loved her. They gave her back to us and we took turns holding her until Julie, Danny's nurse, came in to tell us that Danny would like to see us. I was slightly nervous because I wasn't sure what to expect but we relinquished Shiloh and headed into Danny's room. We walked in and her family was around her as she looked tired but amazing. She put out her hand and I took it, then I fell on her neck and hugged her. We both started crying and I felt this instant connection and and also an instant release. I cannot explain it, for months as I have called Danny twice a week chatting and sharing life experiences, I have wondered what that moment would be like. She gave birth to our little angel and then we were supposed to turn and never speak again. It broke my heart to even think about it. Yet in that moment of tearful embrace I felt Holy Spirit saying it's OK .
This young woman had just given birth to the most adorable little baby ever and she was mine. My heart was overwhelmed with emotions and I was so grateful to Danny that I could not contain my tears. After a good long embrace I regained composure and let Danny have a breath. We stayed in her room talking to her mom and listening to how the birth went. I was sad not to be in the room, but hearing how well Danny did and how Shiloh came out made me feel a part of the whole thing. Shiloh's head was turned and that gave Danny a little run for her money at the end, but all in all she only had to push for 20 min. Shiloh came out and had a healthy cry. Danny hadn't wanted to see her but as they were taking her out of the room her mom encouraged her to just look at her. Danny said that she turned her head to the side and when she saw Shiloh she said "she is so beautiful". That made me start crying all over again. My tears were a welcome sight for Danny and her family, whose one desire was that this baby go to a family that would love her. Had we reacted in a different way they might have been worried. If was nice to be able to chat and love on Danny but I had this yearning to run to the nursery and get Shiloh so that I could kiss her one more time. I wanted to give Danny as much love and attention as possible so I wanted for their cue to leave. That cue came in the form of Sonic burgers and fries that her mom had gone to get her. So we said goodbye for then and went to get our daughter.

We took Shiloh back to our room and the love fest began. I think that if there were a limit on kissing your newborn and the penalty jail time, I would be locked up in a straight jacket for 100 years in a maximum security prison. :-) She was so tiny and so alert we were just in awe at what we had just experienced. Steven was nervous at how small she was but jumped in with all hands on deck to hold her, feed her, and to take lessons on how to change her. She was perfect!!!

We took turns holding her and we squeezed on to the tiny hospital bed in our room to lay beside her together as one family. She just stared at us and I was thinking in my mind, I hope you like us, because this is it sweetie. You can imagine how we spent the rest of the day. Hugging, holding, and lots of kissing going towards our new little bundle. There were also other fun things like the noise from the construction that made it hard to hear each other talking. The fact that we didn't get reception on our cells unless we walked outside to the opposite side of the paring lot and stand in the dirt. We were a little frustrated by the inability to communicate with out family and friends but what can you do when you are surrounded by nothing but fields and farmers. As I was making a call outside Danny's moms were leaving and stopped to talk to me. It was a good conversation but they also let me know that they love Danny and this baby and want the best for her. They told me of their attempts to adopt a newborn once and how the birth mother changed her mind and then their success with in-vetro. I could see how their experience was a factor in Danny's unrelenting assurance to us throughout this process that she wasn't going to change her mind on us. I was glad that I got to talk to them and when they drove away I was a little sad that they never held Shiloh. My emotions were all over the place that day and I think I felt a little for everyone.

It started to sprinkle around 3pm so our phone calls would have to wait so we decided to take a little nap. We squished onto the little twin bed and held Shiloh tight for our first family nap. ;-)

About 5pm we called our case worker again trying to see what was going to happen now and when they would be coming out to make things official. Since Shiloh was born at 10:52am we could technically have papers signed that day but at 11pm at night. I wasn't sure that Danny would be up to it then and wasn't sure that our lawyer would come out that late. With bad reception and having to talk in the rain I was getting frustrated. Joanna our case was trying to figure out what to do and I could tell that coming to a tiny town about two hours way wasn't really what she wanted to do at 11pm. I finally said that was fine that we would do it the next day and it would give Danny time to rest. Little did I know that earlier Danny called Joanna and told her that she wanted to sign ASAP so that we would know that it was done and that Shiloh was ours. So Joanna called me back and said that she would meet us at the hospital at 10pm. I was relieved though I had given her the option to wait. It was comforting to know that someone was coming. Danny and us had the same nurse so it was easy to keep tabs on how she was feeling. She was a trooper and was up waling a little and eating like a champ. When we had got to the hospital that morning one of the first things that we did was order some flowers for Danny.Julie our nurse let us know when they arrived and as well as when we could go see her again. All the nursing staff were wonderful to us. There was no weirdness, in fact they were all so happy for us they showered us with love and lots of free samples for Shiloh. This little hospital doesn't get many births much less adoptions so everyone wanted to know our story and to see this little one that was the center of so much attention.

Later in the evening we went to check in on Danny and her boyfriend Tobi was there. I had talked to him a couple of times on the phone but had not met him until then. He is young but very sweet and you can tell that he really loves Danny. As we were leaving I felt to ask him if he wanted to see the baby. I knew that Danny had said that she didn't want to but maybe he would like to see this little one that had been growing in Danny's belly. We escorted him to her cradle and you could see that she moved his heart. He stayed for a few minutes and then went back to Danny's side. We talked about how sweet he seems and how we hope that they stay together. About 9pm I called our case worker to see if they were on their way and talked a little about what would take place. She said that all the paper work was ready and that they also had all the papers for Tobi to sign. I was baffled, why did Tobi need to sign papers? I asked Joanna why he needed to sign anything and with surprise in her voice she said, I thought you knew that Danny says that he is the birth father. WHAT! We has thought this whole time that he ex-husband was the father and that since he was out of the picture that there was no worries. Now this sweet guy that we just met, who has now seen our beautiful daughter is in a position to reject our hopes and talk Danny out of signing. Every fear surged through my heart. What is after he saw Shiloh he went back and is trying to persuade Danny to keep her. What if he hesitates, will they come and take her right away...take her out of my arms. We don't know anything about him. Is he healthy? I went in and told Steven and his first question was, is he going to sign? From about 9:15 till the case worker got to our room we were on edge.

Our caseworker and lawyer (who are married) got to the hospital around 10:20pm on 9/11. They came in and it was fun to finally put a name to a face. All those phone calls and frustrations finally had a figure. Joanna our case worker is a nice looking older woman that I relate to that kooky aunt that we all have. Richard her husband is a laid back nice looking older gentleman that had a pin on his lapel of the US flag and the Israeli flag. They came in and right away Joanna started taking pictures. This became her trade mark for that night. She was like the paparazzi with that camera.

Well down to business right away. Richard pulled out a stack of papers from his briefcase and started telling us what they were and where to sign. The director of nursing for the hospital Lana normally got off work at 5pm however she stayed for us till everything was done. She was a solid beautiful christian who prayed with us and Shiloh right when she was born. It was awesome that God surrounded us with so many precious people at that hospital. As Richard was going over papers I felt this tugging in my gut, my eyes started to tear us and I did all I could to hold them back. We had about 6 documents a few pages long to sign.

Wavers, petitions, Kansas compacts and adoption notices, etc... They were going to leave them for us to read through and go to Danny first, however she was in the shower so we were up first. We each had to sign every document in several places with a really pretty blue pin.(so they knew it was an original) So at 10:30pm on 9/11 Steven and I signed for her officially yet they still had to go into Danny. They left us and I cannot tell you how tense it was in our room. We laid Shiloh on our bed and laid next to her. We started praying over her and just telling her how much we loved her. We starred at her little face and kissed her a ton. We looked at each other and Steven said it is all going to be over soon.

Well he was right. At 11:30pm on 9/11/08 our night nurse Connie walked in the door and as we both looked up like deer in the headlights she said, all the papers are signed. WA-HOO!!!!!!! I just broke. Tears that had been welled up or months came rushing out as I kissed Shiloh and said with confidence for the first official time You are mine! I looked into Steven's teary eyes and he said, you have a daughter. Oh my goodness friends it was amazing. Joy unspeakable filled that room as we gave thanks to God for all that He has done. Then in great fashion Shiloh farted really big and filled her diaper. She just let is all out. We started laughing and I changed her first "Cooper" diaper.

As I was cleaning a really full diaper the nursing director and our lawyer came in and again said it was done and that Danny wanted to see us. I was happy to go and asked if a nurse would sit in with Shiloh. Lana the nursing director said, no she wants to see all of you! I was surprised and looked stunned then I said Oh I need to put her in something cute then. I went to her bag and searched for something that was cute and that would fit. Well the "fit" part wasn't realized as she was tiny but cute was well accomplished even without clothing. We headed in and my head was high as I entered Danny's room to present my daughter to her. She held her and tears filled both our eyes. She looked at us and said, she is so beautiful, congratulations you guys. Her and Tobi held her and played with her little hands for about 15 min. Our caseworker was swarming around taking pictures like mad and Lana was smiling from ear to ear with tears coming down her cheeks. She hugged me and I felt in her embrace that she had been praying all day for us and or this very moment. It was perfect. I could not have imagined a better ending to the best day of all in my life thus far. We were a family, my friend Danny was well and her heart was steady. The hospital was caring and our agency lawyer and caseworker showed up prepared and it was done.

As we went back to our room to get ready for bed my heart was reflecting a little on all that we went through to get to this point, and thinking of all the formalities that lay a head of us, I was in awe that this day was finally here and I could say that it was worth the wait. I had been blessed on September 11, 2008 with a beautiful, healthy daughter. That is how I will always remember 9/11.

We Are Going To Court

Today we are going to court at 3:30pm in Butler County Kansas. Judge Hart has agreed to see us on short notice and allow us to file our case. This court date is important for several reasons. First, we need to file our adoption officially in court. This will start a paper work trail that will lead us back home. Second, we need a court official and judge to look over our documentation and once again declare that we are fit and able to take Shiloh. Third, we need to meet the judge and get an interview so that in 30-40 days from now our lawyer can finalize our adoption without us driving back out here. There are other reasons but those are the most important.

So today I woke up refreshed as Steven took the entire evening and night shift to give me a break. I took a Benadryl and went to sleep. I hadn't been able to sleep more than a couple of hours that last few days and it was taking a toll on me. He was a trooper and learned a lot about his daughter in the wee hours of the morning. I am so very proud of him. I took the 5am shift on to let him re coop in the comfort of a quiet room and Shiloh and I watched the Daily Devotional on God TV as well as cranked up the web stream and listened to our favorite IHOP worship leaders. I love just watching her sleep and make silly little faces.

We are all getting ready to go so I have to make this short. She is wearing a cute little outfit, so expect some great pics. Here is one to leave you with.


Shiloh taking a nap on daddy.

The Best Day Ever!!!!

Wednesday 9/10/08 as I was meeting with a leaders at the house of prayer discussing his vision for the Orphan Justice Center, my phone rang at 9:50am. I looked at the screen and it said "Danielle". My heart stopped as I answered to hear her voice on the other end. She asked how I was and I said good and then she said that she had "good news" for us. She said that she was being induced on 9/11 at 7:30am. My heart stopped and I shouted really loudly in the coffee shop "Oh my gosh!!!!!" I ended my meeting and ran to find Steven. I found him just as he was going on stage to play the 10 am. I let Danny tell him the news, not realizing till later that he had no idea what "induced" meant. Later that day he was asking what was going on and I told him and then it all clicked.

So like a mad women as soon as I heard from Danny I was in fast mode trying to get everything ready. I ran to Wal-Mart to get some things, went to Jane's house to turn in a check and then went to the bank. I went home and started cleaning like a mad woman. I was on a mission because tomorrow I was going to get my baby. I was flooded with emotions and couldn't exactly know which one to pick. I worked hard till 3pm and then went to work. At work I worked even harder making sure that everything was done for the next few weeks. It was a mad house and it seemed like everyone needed me. I stocked and got labs ready enough for a couple of weeks made out list and tried my best to leave the place in order. I ended up leaving at around midnight. I got home and finished getting stuff together and then went to bed around 1pm. I was exhausted yet I couldn't sleep a wink. I fell asleep around 2pm.

4am came very early on 9/11, as I needed to get up a little earlier than Steven to complete somethings before we left at 5am for Kansas. At 5:15 am I was still putting things in the car and saying good bye to Dakota our German shepherd. We left at 5:30am and I was nervous that this would put us late seeing as it was going to be a 4 1/2 hour trip to Lyons. I started out driving because I was pumped and nervous all at the same time. Those two emotions lead to a very alert state for about 2 hours then I crashed. I woke Steven up and he drove the rest of the way. We hit all our exits and arrived in the city limits of Lyons Kansas. It is a small town, mostly a farming community with a main street and a grand avenue. General store and feed coop were the main attractions and then there was their little county grocery store. We followed our directions but as we were making our way through the city we noticed that most of the streets were not marks. It was about 9:50am and I was feeling this tug in my gut telling us that time was of the essence. My nerves kicked in when we ended up on a road with nothing but fields on the side of us and entering another county. Whoops!!! We missed something. We turned around and I dial Danny's number to get better directions. Tobi her boyfriend answered and told me that he didn't know how to get to the hospital and that he was in Hutchinson watching Danny's daughter. Crap!!!! He gave me Danny's mom's cell and I dialed as soon as I hung up with Tobi. Jewels answered the phone and I told her that "I am sorry that we're late, we are lost". Her voice was fluttering as she said "I cannot talk now, Danny is ready to push, stop somewhere and ask for help". For those who know me well you can only imagine what I said after that. Needless to say we booked it back into the town and stopped at the nearest place. That happened to be one of our favorite small town delights, Dairy Queen. There was an employee smoking out by the dumpster so we swerved in to ask her help. I rolled down my window and with my panicked voice said "please we have to get to the hospital quick where is it?" She gave us simple country directions "turn left after the Alco store and then go a bit and take the next left". So we peeled out and found the Alco store and hung a left. I am sweating bullets by this point and I can feel the clock ticking. I didn't want to miss the birth and I sure didn't want them to say "where should we take her?" Well we were on the right road because we saw the the blue "H" sign for the hospital but then we hit dirt. Yes my friends we hit a dirt road and fields again as far as you could see in front of us. I started to panic and cry. We backed up and saw an unmarked street and took the chance to see if maybe it would lead to the hospital. As we drove up to this construction sight Steven said lets pull in and ask them where it might be. I looked at the small sign on the door and it said "Rice County District 1 hospital" I thought this better be it. I ran in and it was so tiny. A nurse stopped me and I didn't know what to say. I just said " my friend is having a baby and we are...." She told me that she knew who we were and for us to wait in the waiting room and she would go get the nurse. Oh the relief but so much anxiety still. Had we missed it? The nurse came out and told us that Danny was glad that were made it and that the doctor was on the way and it wouldn't be long. Danny had decided just to have her family in the delivery room so they showed us to another room to wait. We walked in and sat on the bed. It was a really small room but was clean and nice with a large window that came in handy later in the day. We were really nor sure what to do or what the staff thought of us or how to feel. We were giddy, tired, nervous and all of the above. I was passing and praying and Steven sat in the leather chair staring out the window praying quietly. We got to the hospital at 10:20am and at 11:00am another nurse came into our room with a huge smile and said "would you like to meet your daughter?" You cannot even imagine my heart at that point. After all these months and troubles and hoping and praying here we were walking down the hall to meet this little one who we are so in love with. As we walked into the labor and delivery Danny's mom was outside the door with tears in her eyes and said "she is beautiful." They led us into another room and then followed our little bundle of joy all wrapped in blankets. They handed her to me and when I looked at her face I just melted into a bawling mess. She was beautiful and perfect and she was here. Steven was huddled over me and we stroked her face. Danny's moms stood at the door watching us love on her. Jewels leaned in and said "take care of her" and they went back into Danny. We were in heaven with this perfectly healthy angel sitting in our lap. We loved on her and took this picture.

Meet Shiloh Abigail Cooper

Born 9/11/08 at 10:52am

6lbs 10 oz, 18 in long

Isn't she beautiful! Shiloh is Hebrew and means peaceful one, His gift, one who is sent. It is a prophetic name for Jesus and is also a very important place where Israel held the Ark of the Covenant. Abigail is Hebrew and means my father's joy, or my father is joyful. So her name means His gift is my Father's joy.

I will let you stare at her picture for a little while and then I will write about the rest of Shiloh's first day ever.

Rainy Nights

Our dog Dakota is terrified of thunder storms. She has destroyed many items in our home including but not limited to 2 basement windows (she bashed through them leaving a blood trail for us to clean up), 3 doors, 3 door frames, 1 screen door, 1 fire pit cover, 1 grill (yup our grill is dead), & 1 metal dog kennel, all due to her horrible fear. She kind of goes into this trance when the thunder starts and by the end she is salivating, spaced out, and will stop at nothing to get inside our house. One night we checked the weather and didn't see any storms only to be caught in the middle of one that rolled in from Kansas. That was the night that she busted through our basement windows at the tune of $5o a piece to replace. The doors will probably be around 30 a piece and the screen $50. The door frames Steven can remake for cheap. I will look at the habitat restore for some trim and doors. Maybe I will find everything that I need there for a great deal. It is the stuff that builders and Habitat for Humanity gets when they tear down houses in city. They bring it to one location and sell it to make money for rebuilding. I have gotten some great steals there before. You can find some great things like trim, shutters, cool wood things, awesome old bricks for landscaping, cabinets, and much more. It is a little far away from us so I don't go very often and it is in a shady part of town so Steven is leery of me going alone.

Last night we had a mega storm system that woke us all up. As long as Dakota is near us she isn't very destructive. She is just loud and gets right next to us and starts panting. Steven's side of the bed always seems to be her destination so he wasn't the happiest person last night as she sat next to him and panted for several hours. She also likes to get into the bath tub and lay down during storms. It is so funny. We tend to give her some Benadryl if we know a storm is coming. It really helps to calm her down and our Vet. said that it would be fine. Otherwise we would have to give her something like Prozac to calm her nerves. We are praying that she gets over it before the baby comes. By the way she isn't here yet.

I Made It Through!!

I didn't write before hand about my busy schedule this weekend because I wanted to be able to write a stellar report or not write about it at all. I had three baby showers to go to this weekend. Two on Saturday and then one on Sunday. That isn't so bad right? Nay, except that I RSVP'd that I would have a little guest with me to all of them. Yup, me and little Ms. Cooper were supposed to go to these baby showers together. She stood me up. Can you believe it. Of course 50 people at each shower, individually wanted to know "when are you getting your baby". I am trying to spice up the answers like "oh you know when she comes popping out" or "well if she would ever decide to come and live with us instead of in Kansas." But really mostly I just say "whenever she is born". Then it comes in about 2 seconds flat..."she isn't born yet?" NOPE! is my immediate answer.
Saturday was a cloudy day when I set out for my first baby shower. I had just sat in the prayer room for about two hours. During that time the Lord did some serious work on my heart. It was intense. Laura Hackett was leading and that was just great in itself(if you have the "expensive" web cast you should go back to 9/6/08 , 8am and check it out). Basically God gave me an incredible meditation that has realigned my heart for the season that I am in. For those of you who don't know, I have this weird thing where I see in the spirit very vividly during meditations of Jesus. This meditation I was cresting a huge mountain peak and I was so excited. I was like "yes, my season of confronting my barrenness and this hole in my heart is over. This baby is my ticket out of here". When I peaked the mountain I was dismayed at what I saw. It was the longest mountain range with tons of snow capped peaks. Like staring at the Himalaya's from the first peak. I just fell on my butt and began to weep." NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! "Jesus then came and sat beside me and just waited a little bit while I whined about how hard it has been and how I am so done. Then He interjected and said that I was not done, but just beginning and that my daughter would be my companion on this journey. Because she would need to know how to climb the difficult peaks. Even now as I write I want to cry. Just knowing that she will face "looking at the hole in her heart" kills me. I told Jesus that I didn't want to climb anymore and that I couldn't make it. At that time I looked down and I had our daughter in a sling around my chest and Jesus took my hand and started to lead me. I am bawling at this point in the prayer room and I am sure that some people thought I might need some counseling.
As Jesus was leading me through the snow and wind I just said I cannot go any further so He led me into a cave in the rocks. (At this point Laura and the team were singing about the cleft in the rock and trusting Jesus. How He leads us to the fountain of living water.) So I am in the cave and so thirsty. Jesus ask me why I don't trust him.( I am crying harder now). I said I do, but I can't go on. He shows me where there is a little spring of fresh water in the cave and I get a drink. As I sat next to him He asked me again "why I don't trust Me". Then He says I don't trust Him because I think He was not there when I needed Him the most? I was then instantly taken to my childhood. Several instances in my life where my little heart was crushed by abuse both physical & emotional abuse. While being in each instance Jesus was showing me how He was there even though I didn't think he was. He took me to a certain instance and showed me how that was the moment self hate entered into my heart. I saw everything so vivid as if I was a spectator at a game. I cried out "why didn't you stop him?" several times. Then Jesus whispers "I did". I said "no you didn't, you were not there. Why didn't you stop him?" Then Jesus showed me where He put His hand up and stopped the fullness of what was intended for me. He said "the full wickedness towards you was not manifest". I just broke at that point. I realized that not just in that instance but many the fullness of evil was held back on my behalf. So many times that Jesus has saved my life literally. Jesus took me in his arms and held me. We were back in the cave at that point and He just held me as I cried. Then He picked me up and sat me in the Fathers lap. The Father put His hand to my chest and peace like a blanket covered me. It was so intense and there was so much more, but something was unlocked in my heart and dealt with.
At the beginning of the meditation when I was whining Jesus told me that my heart was a perfect set up for depression.I have placed false expectations in my sight as "God's will" & when they didn't happen that way, that I would have sunk into a low spot for sure. If I didn't prepare myself to continue on this journey, that I was going to be a perfect set-up for postpartum depression. That was the snake in the dream trying to kill me. I had a choice, a foreknowledge and I could change the outcome. If I would rearrange my heart to agree with His truth, that I would have the grace and strength to go on. Wow! By the time I left IHOP I felt free from the whole thing, and a renewed sense of grace.

So to continue with the weekend, I did OK on Saturday but today's shower was a blast and I can feel a difference in my heart. I am still in the Himalaya's of barrenness spiritually, emotionally, and physically. There is still more to dig up, to up root and to re-plant with God's truth. Maybe I will write someday of my experience. Maybe other women have faced such things and it would inspire them to stay on the journey. First I must stay the course, but not by power, not by might, but only by His spirit! Who would have thought our "quick little adoption" would have started us on a journey like this. That in this I was getting a companion for the journey instead of and air lift out. It will be interesting to look back five years from now to see the mountains from the otherside of the range.

Love This Weather

I have to say that as bad as a hurricane is, it sure brought some nice weather to us. This is what I like to call "cuddle weather". Steven and I are cuddle buddies and we take any opportunity to curl up somewhere together. This weather is the perfect excuse as if we needed one, but we flung wide the doors and windows and enjoyed the slow steady rain and warm embrace. He is a great cuddle friend because he is like a little heater and has long arms to totally wrap me up.
I got out my hoodie today along with my sweet Merrell's that I bought at a thrift store barely wore for $3. They are great shoes and I am too cheap to ever buy them new. It was a kiss from God.
Last night was rough for both of us in the sleeping department and I am still recovering. I was hurting but yet I was in that weird sleep state where I was telling myself to get up and take meds. but just couldn't get awake. Steven was having a dream that a huge snake was chasing me and trying to eat me. He said that he was watching it and looking for something to kill it with. For those of you who are just getting to know me, snakes are a thing with me. Here is a brief history:

When I was two years old and living in the country with my family I was bit by a copper head snake and almost died. Since that incident I developed and allergy to snake anti-venom so that there is nothing that I could take for a snake bite should it occur again. That coupled with my mothers fearful warnings of "if you get bit again you could die" as I was growing up, I developed full on panic attacks at not just the sight but at the mention of snakes. In an ironic twist I seem to find snakes are attracted to me and I find them everywhere. I have encountered many in my years, some too close to call and others in a distance. I tend to dry heave, vomit, and have trouble breathing when I encounter them. Oh and I climb onto the highest surface available and scream. Well through prayer I have almost completely been healed from these panic attacks. I still run up on snakes in the oddest places, however I don't freak out as bad.I still dry heave a little however I don't vomit and I am able to keep my senses. Once when I saw a snake in the water at a camping adventure I started hypervetilating and crying in front of tons of my friends and refused to jump off the rock. My hero Jon decided to save me by jumping off the rock onto the snake to try to kill it. He got it away and brought and air matress for me to jumo onto and then towed me to safety. It was sweet but funny that I was 26 and had that kind of reaction. We still joke about it three years later.
So the fact that he say a snake trying to eat me just makes me hate Satan more and wonder at God's ironic spin on that subject in my life. I just trust that God will protect me and believe me I am always on the look out. But after that terrible dream Steven himself couldn't go back to sleep. So this a.m. we slept in and I cleaned the house instead of going to IHOP at 10am. I didn't feel bad about it in fact I felt that I had the liberty to do so. It was a good day all together, minus the pain and nightmares of course.

Be A Voice

Abortion is wounding thousands of woman every day. These woman will forever bare the scars of their decisions to end the life of their unborn children. Men across America are scarred as well. Many men force their partners into abortions or suffer loss as their female partners refuse to give their children life. Either way whether now or 10 years down the road it is a festering sore in their hearts and can devastate a person's entire life. If you have ever had an abortion, been in any way direct or indirect facilitating (whether man or woman) in an abortion, please visit this site and be a voice for the unborn. Share your story and let it be heard in the Supreme Court of this nation to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Be a voice to end the murder of the unborn and destruction of lives.
http://www.operationoutcry.org/pages.asp?pageid=61373

Lately I have been overwhelmed by the huge whole left in the heart of Americans by years of desensitization through thousands of murders of the unborn everyday. We look at the child welfare system and say what else is there to do. We look at people like the Republican Vice President nominee and think "Wow she could do so much if she didn't have a down syndrome child, or wow she is going to "punish" her 17 yr. old daughter with a child out of wed lock. What the heck. Why do people assume that the best answer is murder and they will never stand before God and give account. That is just it, we don't see this as murder because Americans have been brainwashed with ideology that this is not a baby in the womb. If we think it is not life then we are not held accountable. Or what about the people that know for a fact that this is a baby? What are they thinking? I am truly baffled! I think that as they see themselves as riding society of the "unwanted" that they are a better person. That after so long and so many abortions and playing God with life, they move into the danger category of thinking that they are gods themselves and they answer to no one. I fear in my soul for America. We will not stand fully accountable for the world at large on the issue of innocent blood, but we have spilt more blood since 1973, legally then all the blood that was spilt in WWII. That is frightening. We will stand accountable. Even the fact that "Roe" in Roe vs. Wade, their key witness supporting abortion, had never had an abortion herself. WHAT? Yeah, did you read that? Norma McCorvey the Roe of Roe v. Wade never had an abortion. How did that happen then? That is our judicial system.

In our own adoption story we are constantly reminded of this horrific misguided sense of liberal thought. I know woman personally who think on having an abortion as much as they think on if they are going to have coffee in the morning. To some it is their birth control pill. To others it is the only thing that they know. They are trapped and feel that there is no way out. Who wants to have another mouth to feed when they cannot feed themselves? Our own precious baby was plucked from the jaws of death when Danny's mom talked her out of an abortion and into adoption. She isn't ignorant to what that process would have entailed. She knew full well what was going to happen, yet she felt she had no other option. She didn't want another child and frankly didn't want to go through another pregnancy. None of the players in this story are believers but as Danny's mother told me when I sat down to talk to her..."just because it is legal, it doesn't make it right." This from a non-believer and yet many in the church struggle in the grey area with the issue of abortion. Where is the decision? Where is there room for grey?

God is driving abortion and the issue of adoption like a wedge in the political arena, through the media in movies like Juno and Bella, because I believe He is drawing a line in the sand. "Choose this day whom you will serve.." America will have to determine where she stands. It frightens me to think that a man may be elected to the presidential office that feels this issue is above his "pay scale". Then who will be appoint to deal with it? Liberal scientist? The same man that thinks the majority of women having abortions in America "prayerfully consider" before going through with it. That he would not "burden" his own daughter with a child should she have a teen pregnancy. Why can he not say ...hey I don't think babies are babies till they get their finger prints made and have a national I.D. card. (Don't get me started on the national I.D cards.) Yet I am not sure that McCain would do anything at all for unborn human rights. The only think that he has going for him at this point is an Esther in the closet. Could Sarah Palin be the Esther to reverse the Hammon decree in America?

So what is to be done? How can we overturn a supreme court ruling, end abortion, and turn God's wrath? Well God delights in mercy and mercy will always triumph over judgement. Not that judgement is not coming, but if we turn from our wicked ways, humble ourselves and pray, then mercy will cover a multitude of sins and judgement may be overshadowed by mercy. What does that look like? I am not totally sure,but God is righteous because He cannot dwell with sin and there is no shadow of turning in Him. We cannot talk Him out of judging to purify. We know that He must judge or He is a liar. Mercy is not getting what we deserve, not ever getting any judgement. We deserve to be like Sodom and Gomorrah. With our homosexual tolerance, murderous abortion laws, and defiling pornography industry let the Angel of Death just sit on America till we are suffocated in our own filth. However because of The Sacrifice we can call upon The Blood that speaks a better word.

"Jesus, I plead your blood over my sins & the sins of my nation..."

Through Jesus we have mercy. "He can save to the uttermost...He ever lives to make intercession". By joining with Jesus we can plead the blood, the perfect and precious blood of Jesus over our nation and turn wrath. O God, give us mercy!!! Have mercy on California. As California goes, so goes the nation... O God turn California's heart, awaken intercessors to cry out for mercy and a turning!"

My heart is stirred to the fact that as Christians we fall short in the most fundamental aspects of Christianity. (James 1:27) How many of us have taken in an unwed pregnant mother who has no one and thinks there is no other option? Why can't we take her in...share our food, clothing, home, and the love of Jesus? (Is. 58) Maybe she would accept Jesus and keep her baby. Maybe she would meet a nice man from our local church, fall in love, and live what she thought could only happen in a dream. Or maybe she would rob you blind and leave the baby on your door step as she disappeared into the night. What then? Nothing but love. Didn't Jesus say something about the fact that "they will hate you because they hate Me" No one said that life was always like a box of chocolates. Sometimes it is like a big plate of boiled liver with three day old spinach. Yukie!! My family took in two such young ladies. We took in one girl who was a foster child gone wild and kicked out of her foster home. She stayed with our family and we loved her and wanted to adopt her. She ended up stealing our car, our jewelry, and a little piece of our hearts. She hit my mother and spit in my face as she assalted me. We had to call the police and then cried for days because of what happened. The second girl had her child and is parenting him. My mother still witness to her daily but has not see salvation. However Hunter my nephew has heard about Jesus from birth and we are contending for his soul. He knows right and wrong and next summer I am determined to have him come and stay with me for IHOP's teen camp. I know that God will use the seeds sown to bring a change in his heart.You never know how it will end. However, what if we had not taken them in? What if we had done the Charismatic look away trick and went on our way? The church is going to have to start living on the edge of "personal risk" for the lost and dying. We must no matter how messy our lives become. Trust me it is messy sometimes.

We have a couple of friends that are now preparing to adopt Down Syndrome children. Why you say? Why not? Give me any reason that I wouldn't want to hit you for that justifies that these children don't deserve love, a family, & siblings. They live in poor European countries with little to no health care and without the presence of God. Why not bring them into a loving, godly family and teach them to sing their little hearts out to Jesus? They are not "unwanted" anymore. They are singers, dancers, musicians in the waiting to bring God glory in the house of prayer. So they may not be mathematicians, or rocket scientist. Who cares! What are most of those people doing that will stand through eternity? What is eternal and what is not? Praise is eternal. ".. store for yourselves treasures in heaven". Pray for our friends and give to their adoptions at http://thelouxfamilyadoption.blogspot.com/ I am not saying that everyone has to adopt or take in the homeless and get abused. Not everyone is to adopt a special needs child. But everyone has a part to play and everyone is called to pray. We all must search our souls and see where God is leading us to love. Then we must go there whole heartly knowing that is Jesus say to go, then everything will be provided no matter what personal cost it may imply.

I hope that you are not offended, but yet I hope that you are a little. I am offended at this and I am in the middle of it. Jesus' life is offensive if you are really honest. He came and did some of the most extrodinary things when you really look and He totally messed up humanity forever.(from our perspective) He came and not only showed us who God was and what He is like, but He showed us how we were made to be. He came to reveal...not to judge. How could He judge when we lived in ignorance? Now though we do not live in darkness because the Light of the world has come. Everything within revolts at godliness because we are fallen and live in a world ruled by the powers of darkness. "The Light came, but the darkness did not comprehend it." Yet eveything with in us cries out for God because we are made in His image and have His spirit in us. "but to those who believed He gave eternal life".

I could type forever but I think that you see where I have been the last few days.

Blessings