Learning to Lean

Someone once said, "There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations." I saw this quote and grinned as I pinning it in my mind. In the last week, I feel as though I have run a marathon with love and loss and I find myself panting for breath. I don't compare my present circumstances equal to severe losses, but a loss all the same. When Steven and I set out on our first adoption words cannot describe how utterly scared and how naive we were. Neither one of us really knew what we were getting into, or what was in store, but we knew what we wanted more than anything, and that was to be parents. Once they put Shiloh into our arms the tears started to roll down our faces and it hit us like a ton of bricks. It was a deeper love than I had ever felt in my life and it was as if everything around me was moving in slow motion. All that stood between me and this dream's fulfillment was a clock...12 hrs till the legal papers were signed and this angel was mine.  Fast forward 4 years and again our hearts burn to have another child. We set out once again through the labyrinth of paper work and case worker visits to get approved to have another child. In this process those are mere hurtles that must be assailed to get to the hardest part of adoption....waiting. I have learned this week that there is more to the waiting than seeing when a baby is born and papers are signed. I am writing this to process and for some it will be filling in the gaps of a story that we had hoped would end a different way.

This adoption started out as any other and we were matched in August with a baby girl. The agency was a familiar one and we felt that with the information that was given us we should proceed. Communication started shortly after and with our first meeting things seems well. You are always a little nervous and even skeptical  but as you begin to get to know the birth mother and all involved you become connected. About a month ago communication with our birth mother came to a screeching halt. No warning or reason, but after about a week she picked back up and we felt as though God was orchestrating things. Little did we know of the tensions that were brewing. About two weeks ago we met with our birth mother and asked some questions that had been lingering in our hearts and wanted to know why certain things were not figured out yet. Something in us just needed some straight answers. We were given answers and reassured. Last Wednesday we got a call that our birth mother was being induced and to get ready. We prepared and as planned when the baby was born we took primary care of the baby. In adoptions many times the birth mother's who are "100%" about their decisions, often ask the adoptive parents to name the baby and to care for them in the hospital when it is available to do so. In our situation it was no different. However it became clear very early on that with the baby's hair color and beautiful features that there would be an issue with the birth father. We knew that there was a risk with this. No adoption is 100% risk free.  When pursuing this adoption the birth mother kept assuring us that she was almost positive that the birth father was the one that was willing to sign. So I admit that it was a shock to hear otherwise. But with the birth mother's family also thinking that it was the other birth father there was little to do at that point but figure out where to go next. I cried as I held this beautiful little baby. Hoping and praying that there would be a way to still take her home, but also starting to prepare my heart for it not to happen. Through many different discussions the decision to bring in the birth father to talk to the birth mother was made. It didn't go well. At that point I felt my stomach sink and started to grieve my loss. Did I not have faith that God can move mountains? Of course, but I also knew of plenty of stories where God had laid out a plan but man chose a different way. After the meeting with the birth father, we went into our birth mother's room with our caseworker. During that time we were told that she had not been completely honest with us and had just hoped there would be a way around all of it. I was hurt, but also felt such empathy for this young girl. She was scared to death and totally naive. After that we got ready to leave. We had made the decision early on (because of the risk) to have the baby put in a foster placement till details were worked out. We didn't want Shiloh to be exposed to pain and possible loss if we could help it. So our case worker took the baby to our friends house for them to foster her and we went home. I was exhausted as any one who has a newborn can attest to. But the next day I went over to the foster home to see the baby. At that point I thought in my heart that this was probably not going to happen, but after bonding with this little one over the past 48 hours, I wanted to see her and hold on to hope. I spent sometime there cuddling and loving on her. In this I am not ashamed. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. John 15:12-14  
I know that some people may think that I was foolish for getting so attached to a baby that I may not be taking home, but I do not. When we are called Christians does it not mean Christ like? Does it mean seek out our own comfort or to comfort others? When I said yes to adoption did I know that I would for sure take home the first baby that came my way? No. But did I sign up to love without reserve, yes. I don't know any other way to love. If I knew how to love half way I wouldn't be married or be a mother, or even be a friend. I think the people that know me the best can attest to this fact. I have no regrets in that I loved while I could.  There in my arms was a tiny babe who had no one to call her own yet. How could I not love and give of myself the very thing that Christ has given me...unconditional love.
Her birth mother didn't want her, others couldn't take her and still other's didn't have the means or rights at the time. All this needed to be worked out. Then there we were. The promise of hope and joy and a bigger family was slowly fading away. All that remained was to love.

So I asked for prayer, for breakthrough, for resolve. I asked for healing for a young heart that was left abandoned. I asked a community that I know cares. Some may not have agreed with the method or the "madness", but it is what it is.
Since Monday, I did lessen my stays with the baby until today when I didn't even hold her. I simple kissed her and caressed her cheek. I prayed a blessing over her and I said good bye. I knew in my heart that it was over, I was just waiting for someone to make it official. You see we were not really free to just walk away. The birth mother's parents were trying to get the birth parents to make decisions. They had hoped it would be in our favor and for that we were honored. We had given them our word and until the birth parents made their decisions we just waited. We didn't plead or beg, we just simply waited. 

In the waiting God once again met us. I had cried because of loosing the what could have been,  I cried because I was reminded of my physical situation and the yearning in my heart. I cried because one minute I was holding a beautiful, perfect baby and the next was having to give her back. Was it painful....yes. Am I sad and hurt, yes. Would we have pursued this adoption had we known all the truths? Probably not, but we did and it was, and now here we are.  I feel so blessed by my friends and family who tirelessly prayed and encouraged me through this. All of your text, emails, and even Facebook comments were timely and appreciated  Even the ones who told me to just walk away, I know their hearts and I am thankful for friends who wanted to protect me. I am thankful for my mom who came at the drop of a hat to serve us and take care of Shiloh. I am thankful that the treasure of my heart, Shiloh, was protected from the pain of loss. I am thankful for a husband who let me walk this out in love and didn't hesitate in loving himself. But I am sooooo thankful to God. Once again. He showed Himself to me in a new way. Once again He came along side of me in pain and led me to the mountain top. I can see the valley below and I know that I walked this journey in His love and strength. I know that I am loved and healed and whole. I know that all His promised over me are "Yes and Amen"! Tomorrow a little baby girl named Nevah (that is what it is changing to) will leave this community and go home. What is in store for her I am not sure. I do know that it will not always be easy, but I pray over her life a spirit of joy and hope. I pray that she will know God and that He will make Himself known to her. I pray for protection and for a peace that cannot be shaken. 
Thank you for partnering in pray over her life. It all mattered to the One that matters the most.
Steven and my desire for another child has not diminished in this. We are still waiting and have now been released to get back on the agencies waiting list to pursue other situations as they come. Our financial loss was small in comparison and we are praying for God's restoration in that and in the fulfillment of our dream.
Thank you...

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.
Proverbs 31:8-9

Isaiah 61
......He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives

If your soul aches, you may be on a journey that will stretch your faith, your understanding of the meaning of life, and your knowledge of God. If you let it, your sorrow will increase your capacity to live well, to love lif

e, and to experience joy, not after the darkness but even in the midst of it.

Jerry Sittser (Author of A Grace Disguised), whose mother, wife and young daughter were killed in a car accident.

Blessings

Drum Roll Please....

So most of our friends and family know but just in case you haven't heard....

WE ARE EXPECTING OUR SECOND BABY!!!!

We are super excited about our little one coming and she will be here sometime around October 25th... so less than 6 weeks! Adoption is one of those things where you are going along waiting and then all of a sudden you get the call and bamm...well a little more is involved then that. :0)

We are not home free yet though and here are some ways you can help:

1) PRAY!! We still need prayers headed up on account of finances and legal issues. There are two potential birth fathers. One is for the adoption and the other is not. I am praying for God to sway hearts and settle everything before we get to court. We honestly don't have the resources to fight in court.

2) Finances, adoption is costly and we are not exactly sure how much it will all cost in the end. If you want to make a tax deductible donation email me at kccountrygal@gmail.com

3) Pray for our little birth mother. She is going to go through one of the most emotional and stressful events of life. She is very sweet, but understands that she isn't ready for a baby.

4) If you like to shop on Amazon.com...you can help our adoption! Anytime that you buy through our link at the top left hand of this blog we will get proceeds that will go to our adoption. Just save this blog on your favorites list, and when you need something off amazon.com just go through us!!!!

Our Little World is Turning

May time has flown since my last post, but C'est la vie. Our little world has continued to rotate and at times I felt that it was spinning out of control. But the axis has held fast and we are finally getting our feet under us!

I wanted to give a little update and then a little post will follow with exciting news. First thing first, I will start off with my darling little Shiloh. Shiloh is as crazy and funny as always. She loves to sing and dance like a wild woman and sometimes the songs that she comes up with make me roll on the floor laughing. Her genius is growing day by day and this year we are going to try to reign in her imaginative energy by doing preschool two days a week. So far she loves it and asks everyday when she is going to school again. I made a little calendar and put it on her wall so she can see when "school" days are. We are sad that we cannot go to her Tuesday book club anymore, but something had to give. We still do zoo days and try to go to as many activities in the city as we can. She is taking ballet one night a week and loves to dance.

I am well, still working and trying to maintain sanity. :-) It has been an adjustment in running the home and being both parents at once. I feel that I have my feet under me now and my emotions are in check. Some days I get lonely, but for the most part we are mushing on with life. We enjoy our skype dates with daddy and usually play a game or to with him. Technology is amazing!! Besides working and being a mommy, I have kept busy with projects. Projects are my release method for built up stress or tension. I deal best with stress when I have a paint brush or hammer in my hand. I may have missed my calling. :-) My projects have all gone off well until I tried to tackle the basement bathroom. Now we are at a stand still with no walls or toilet. Ugh... I need Holmes on Homes!

Steven is well and working through his school and training. We are so proud of how well he did in basic training! Seeing him giving his flight orders and assisting the instructors in handing out the graduation medals to the other airman was amazing. I have always know that Steven would do well and seeing him in that environment was really surreal but meaningful. This has been a life changing experience and we are so grateful to the Lord for His faithfulness and provision.

Here We Are

I wanted to keep my friends and family up on where we are with our adoption, Steven leaving, and my plans to remain sane. I feel like this next six months is really going to be a true test of what I am made of and I hope to myself if to no one else, I can prove that I am not as weak and frail as I have felt this last week.

We are cruising right along in the waiting phase of our adoption. All the paper work is in, we are still lacking a few funds (a couple thousand few) and are waiting for hopefully an approval on a matching grant. We had an amazing fundraiser just before Valentine's day where we were blessed with about $6,000. We were just so amazed and loved on by our friends. We recently had a Chik-fil-A spirit night which was fun. I would really have liked to had more people come by, but I was super happy for the ones that I saw and we brought in about $900 of business that night. Now it is just up in the air as to what happens next. I am not planning on doing any fundraisers, except maybe another online fundraiser while Steven is gone, but we are open to getting into a contract during that time with either adoption agency that we are connected with. In the meantime we are getting our crib ready (thanks to my sister in law) and finishing a few much needed projects around the house and just waiting.

Steven's departure for Air Force basic training is sneaking up on us in a fast way. I can hardly believe that he will be gone is a little over a month. I am in kind of a project/panic mode. I have several plans lined up as far as childcare for Shiloh, but the more I read about children's transition while dad's are "deployed" the more I just feel like I need to have plan A-Z ready. I am torn whether I should go back to days for a little while to make sure that she does well with it all, but I am not sure that is an option right now at work. Insurance is a factor since I carry it through my work, and just money and bills. So there is so much rolling around in my head, not to mention things like what am I going to do about taking call from work. It is mandatory and if I get called in the middle of the night who will watch over Shiloh? It is a lot to think of . I have been slowly hacking away at it for a while, but now it is in my face. Any suggestions, prayers, or offers of help are more than appreciated. I know that we are going to get through it because hundreds of families do this and so much more and have for over 50 years. It is just new to me.

It is all part of the circle of life right? I feel like I should be standing on a huge rock overlooking a vast plain with the sun setting and Elton John singing in the background. But that isn't exactly the view from my kitchen window. All in all I think that this will be the beginning of something new and hopefully rewarding to our family, but no one said that plowing a field is easy.

Transition Sunny Side Up Please!

Have you ever heard the cliche`that "every season has a reason", and "when winter has passed then spring blooms a new rose"? I have to admit that when it comes to life and transition in general I tend to be a glass is half empty type of person. I like to think of myself as a happy person, but I would be lying if I always saw the sunny side of situations. This could have been a learned habit that my profession has instilled in me. Being a nurse in surgery means that you are usually seeing people in their worst moments and the outcomes are not always what you expected. Before that I worked in a pediatric psychiatric facility, and boy oh boy I saw some doozies. The things that people do to children makes me an advocate for government forced sterilization sometimes. ( Of course that is not right, but for real!) Theses atmospheres tends to layer you with a hard shell and can dull your optimism over the years. I also think that life and some of it's difficulty can set you up to look at your glass and hope that there is a faucet close, or you will die of thirst. For me I think that it is a combination of both. However I am determined that even if the glass is half empty, that I will expect for it to be replenished or that I will have the grace to fast. I refuse to allow my heart to slip down the slope of bitterness which can lead to heart ache and ultimately physical illness.

In the Cooper house we are in a season of transition!! I feel more positive as we enter into 2012 as a season of moving forwards, even though it looks a little strange.Steven and I are preparing to be parents to an infant (or two) and that is exciting. However we are also preparing to be separated for 6 months, and that isn't so exciting.  With a new baby on the horizon we are preparing our home in many ways. We are transitioning Shiloh into a new room and making her old room into a nursery again. This requires me to go through a lot of stored stuff and clean it out. This is hard for me since I inherited a little bit of what I like to call a spirit of remembering. Steven on the other hand likes to call it being a pack rat.:-) I try to keep it under control, there are still boxes of old pictures and crafting supplies. I am not sure what to do with all these photos and as much as I would love to be crafty, there are just not enough hours in my days. So my job is to transition from "remembering" to having more space for more little ones. I am determined though and after all what is more important stuff that reminds me of the past or things for the little one that is the future for our little family?

Shiloh is going to transition from being an only child to a full blown big sister. I know that she is going to be amazing, but it may not be so pretty in the beginning. I have been praying for her little heart to fully accept her new sibling and  we are teaching her to pray now for our baby. It is really precious to hear her pray for our baby and to see that she is starting to understand this process and also a little bit that she also was adopted. We have started talking about tummy mommies and how she came to be in our family. It is funny talking to a three year old about  such deep things. A conversation will go something like this: Me: Shiloh you were adopted too. We prayed and prayed and God brought you to us. Shiloh: Why, Me: Because God loves you so much that He wanted you to live and have a family that would teach you about His son Jesus. Shiloh: Oh..., mommy can I have some frozen mango. I am hungry. Me: Ok, sure. It is kind of nice though, I get time to practice my answers for when we really do sit down and have a deep discussion.

I also feel like my heart is going through another season of transitioning from old patterns and thoughts  and digging in again. Everything that we go through teaches us and really just makes us revisit our own inability and our real need for God's mercy and His guidance in our lives. I get so busy in the stuff of life sometimes that I can go long periods of time where I do drive by prayers and little to no deep reading of the word. I hate that I do it, but there it is. I confess to you all that I am not the scholar that I would wish. But I feel that is why God brings transition and refocuses me so that the important things come to the forefront and He in His kindness leads my heart to repentance and calls me back to the thing that brings life to my soul. Him. I cannot tell you how much I feel him when I sit for just a second in the prayer room, or when we are listening to the teaching on Sunday. When you work in a secular field day in and day out, hearing the "f"bomb every other sentence and constant negative attitudes, it is such a breath of fresh air to come into the prayer room and just get hit in the chest with Holy Spirit and God's love over me. Even in the weakest moments or when I am so far away, His love is so strong. So let the winds blow and Lord be in my garden with me through all of this, for You are the only one who makes all things beautiful.

Ecclesiastes 3

 ¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 ²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 ³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 ⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 ⁵A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 ⁶A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 ⁷A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 ⁸A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

 ⁹What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

 ¹⁰I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

 ¹¹He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

 ¹²I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

 ¹³And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

 ¹⁴I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

 ¹⁵That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

Our Process Up To Now

I wanted to share a little of where we are in our adoption process. We started our adoption process in November by getting ready to update our home study. For those unfamiliar with the process this is where you gather everything that tells a story about your family (finances, background checks, reference letters, case worker visits, physicals, etc..) and have a case worker go over the information and put it into a document called  a Home Study. This document is required by every state if you are wanting to adopt. It is a state stamp of approval. By December we were filling out agency paper work and moving forward with that. We got our home study back at the first of January, and had a family profile made. A profile is a book that tells about your family in pictures and short narratives, that agencies show to birth mothers. (In private adoption the birth mothers pick the families) Once we had all our paper work in we started thinking about funds. We had been saving for the last couple of years, but we didn't save as much as we would have liked. We had a fundraising dinner on Feb. 12th that was a great night. We had a sit down dinner and a silent auction that was serenaded by the talented music of Rachel and Wallace Faagutu. The silent auction was a huge hit and the whole night blessed us tremendously in support and financial gifts that was over $6000.

Adoption is such a wonderful thing, but it isn't easy. You are petitioning the government of men and the Government of Heaven to be a part of  the redemption of a life. The very life that Satan wants to destroy and snuff out, you are stepping in to rescue. It truly is amazing how one minute you are apart and then next you are together. One minute you are strangers, and the next you are family. God is truly amazing!!! However, it is no easy thing to start this ordeal, and once you finish one step there are five more to go.
As this is our second go around, I feel a little more settled with the process, but it is still invasive and all around not my idea of fun. I am not a good secretary so the paper work is a challenge, and I didn't miss my calling of being a professional fundraiser. Though the means to the end are not the fun part, the goal and prize are well worth the effort. I remember our adoption process with Shiloh and I almost cringe. I was a nervous wreck and I am pretty sure that I just about wore my wonderful adoption consultant and my friends out. However, the moment that the nurse put Shiloh in my arms, I felt as though I would have climbed to the stars and to the farthest galaxy if needed to be in that moment. It was all worth it! The long nights of stressing out, the phone calls, the fundraising, the waiting....it all culminated to the most exciting and wonderful moment of my life. One minute I am just sitting in a hospital room, and the next thing I was holding a beautiful baby girl and I was a mom. I mean, come on!!!! She reached her little arm out of the blankets at us and I just melted into a pool of mush.Steven was crying, I was crying, the nurses were crying...it was a sight. Nothing had prepared me for the rush of emotions or the instant transformation of woman into mother that happens when you hold your baby for the first time.

There are also other emotions that the adoption process brings for me that are less glorifying. Steven and I are not like a lot of couples around us that are adopting, in that many of our friends and aquatints that have adopted have done so after having biological children. They have maybe 2 or 6 and yet they felt that there was still room in the inn. For us, the process is not an option, it is the only option. We would adopt even if we could conceive, but right now adoption is our conception. It is hard sometimes because the whole process shines a light on our inability to conceive, and our longing for healing and restoration. It is paralyzing sometimes when I start to dwell on the why's of it all. My chest gets tight and I just want to cry. I hope that this isn't hard for you to read, but in truth it is even hard for me to write without tears. It is what it is though.
The paper work and preparations are the pregnancy, and though my belly isn't growing, the longing and love in our hearts is almost busting at the seams. From the first pen stroke on the first form I fill out, I am thinking of our little one. I am not just filling out a form, I am advocating for my child. I am not just trying to keep it all in order, I am gathering the resources to bring my child home. It is very personal to me. Every piece of paper represents a step closer to seeing and holding my little one. Who will this baby be? Where will the baby come from? What will we have to do to finally bring this one home? Will my baby be safe? Oh Lord, please help the birth mother make good choices for my baby.... Please Lord, protect my little one from harm, or anything that Satan would try to do to destroy it's life. Every mother prays similar prayers, mine are not that different.
( Don't get me wrong, Shiloh is my child through and through. I am not trying to minimize who she is or how I feel about her as my daughter. Steven and I have often talked about how we almost forget that we didn't conceive and give birth to her. God has knit our hearts together.)
There is an ache in my heart and my body that I would be lying if I denied. We were created to carry life within our bodies. When that doesn't happen there is almost a vacuum left. I cannot speak for every woman in this same state, but for me I deal with it the best I know how. It isn't always pretty and some days are better than others.most days I am fine and welcome life with happiness and joy. But there are other days that this burden weighs heavy on my heart. I may not always be able to attend baby showers, or even be excited when I hear of another friend that is expecting. I will try my best not to show it, or to wear heavy emotions on my sleeves, but I will not always be the best at hiding my ache. I have tried in the last 15 years to keep my heart above bitterness, or even complacent whining. I have studied out the woman of the Bible who have walked this road and held on to the promises of God. It is possible to be truly happy, yet contend for more. I hope for the day that our love will explode into a life growing inside of my womb. I would love to be able to rest my hand on my belly to touch and feel the life with in.But for now,  I will touch my heart and hold on to the prayer that all is well where ever my little one is. I will rejoice in the opportunity for God to use me in a different way. To complete a dream in His heart, to fill a longing in mine. He is a master architect and I am merely a brick layer.
I long for Holy Spirit to reach into that womb and comfort my little one, to touch the birth mothers heart and softly hold her. There are so many emotions that rage on the inside, but I also have a promise that whether I silently pray it or shouted from the roof, I will  believe and hold on to until it is fulfilled.
May 2008- God gave me this scripture over my body. Whatever it looks like, however it comes, it is well with my soul!


 Isaiah 51:3." For the Lord will comfort Zion,
He will comfort all her waste places;
He will make her wilderness like Eden,
And her desert like the garden of the Lord;
Joy and gladness will be found in it,
Thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

Where, When, Why

I am attempting once again to be a blogger, or at least a once or twice a week blogger. I love the opportunity to journal, vent, or advertise my opinion or even the latest and greatest in our lives, but find the task of actually getting to the computer and typing to be a bit ....well lacking. So here I am again for better or for worse and I appriciate your support and interaction in this process.

So here is the Where-
I feel that in the last two years we have been on a journey over and under tall mountains that I am confident lead to a wide open valley. Here is a drive by review of "where" we have been. Starting in 2010 when Steven left full time ministry to pursue law enforcement. What a transition, from playing hours a day in the house of prayer and traveling with Onething Ministry, to going through the police academy and nearly puking after the physical training sessions. During that time I was also working two jobs at differing jobs and learning to be a working mother and wife. Now that was no easy feet and I am still not positive that I would give myself any higher than a "B-" on that score. That year was a year of not only discovering a new path, but trying to figure our identity out. I feel that we had so much of who we thought we were wrapped up neatly in a package and leaving that behind was a little like shell shock. Things were re-awakening in our hearts though, things that have lead us down some interesting paths.

2011 I had hoped would be a pick me up year, but it ended up being a hand me all your time & money year. Anything that could break did and anything that could have been easy turned out to be like pulling a pipe out of a muddy ditch. (That is hard in case you don't know). My grandmother died which was very hard, and I felt like my dreams and my tenacity was dying inside a little too. Long term struggles tend to have ebs and flows that can suck you into the drain if you know what I mean. A new struggle appeared for me in the form of a scary thyroid nodule. It was detected by a friend who was " practicing " her assessment skills. I had it looked at by my doctor and the wheels were in motion. I ended up needing ultrasounds and a painful biopsy to prove that I didn't have cancer. It was nerve racking and expensive to say the least. Another learning experience. :-) I am happy to report that as of two months ago I am alright in the thyroid department, but they are monitoring me for any changes. (Prayer is always appriciated)

Towards the end of 2010 and the begining of 2011 Steven started to revisit the idea of going into the military. His job hunt in the law enforcement arena wasn't going well and in a troubled economy it wasn't looking like a win win situation. As our hearts are to expand our family he knew that there needed to be some provision and break through. The military idea or the police idea wasn't a new one for us. I remember in 2007 talking with him about it, but I wasn't ready then and was very comfortable in our IHOP life. But times were different and my understanding of how things worked was different. We had several friends in the military and watched their families deal with all that is involved in that. Steven's desire was a pure one and could provide our family with many benefits. So he started pursuing the Army first, then ended up enlisting in the Air Force reserves. That process wasn't easy and like (it seems for us anyways) all things that we try to do there were plenty of walls to throw ourselves over. Steven perservered and will be leaving in May for basic training in San Antonio.


In the realm of parenting we were lucky, Shiloh has always been cute, smart, and not very destructive. The "2's" left us thinking that we had this thing in the bag and then age 3 hit. I woke up one morning wondering if aliens had taken our sweet obedient child and replaced her with a roving, crazy girl. No matter how bad people tell you that the "2's" will be, nothing is like a talking, negotiating three year old. All reason goes out the window and what prospects of common sense that your child was showing at two, they have been replaced with impulsive behaviors that are likely to drive you mad. But it is all fun and worth every minute in my book. What a challange and learning experience parenting is. I am blessed for sure!!!!!!

Through these two years of trial by fire we have learned so much about each other, ourselves, and us as a family unit. We have really taken an eager interest in health and nutrition (Steven is a huge champoin for that in our home) and also in wanting to expand our family. I have always wanted a big family and Steven came from a family or 4 boys. We talked about comprimising with three kids when we were first married, but as time has proved thus far, we are not in control of that area. So what does any family do when they want more kids...... well we can practice till the cows come home but if we want more kids we fill out lots of paper work. That is right..... We Are Adopting Again!!

Take a breath...Ok moving on!

So here is the "When"-
Nov. 2011---We started filling out paper work

December 2011 ----We turned in an application for Hannah's Dream Adoption Agency

Jan. 2012---We got our updated home study for our second adoption!

Feb. 2012 ---We had our first Adoption Fundraiser and were overwhelmed by the love and support of our friends!! THANK YOU!

March 2012 ---I am doing some other fundraising things for our adoption, and we are also going to submit with the agency that we adopted Shiloh through.

* March 7th Steven's oldest brother and his wife will finalize the adoption of two beautiful foster children and we are going to party like it is 1999. Just kidding, but our family is going to celebrate their gotcha day like we have done for Shiloh and for Colton their other adopted son.

April 2012 --- This will be the month of celebration and preparation. If we are not placed by the third week in April with a little one, we will have to wait till Steven returns from basic training. I would love to have our new little one before he leaves, but going to recieve the baby while he is away would be mad.

*April 14th I will turn 32 years old. HOLY COW!! I still can't believe that I am that old and that my mom is that old. ;-) JK mom!

*April 22nd --This is a bitter sweet day for my heart. This is my brother's birthday, but it just reminds me of how long it has been since I have seen or will see him.

May 2012-- I think on the first of May it will all start to set in. The reality of Steven leaving will hit and I might have a little bit of a nervous break down. Just a little one. But I know that we will be OK, and that he will be home soon...


So what is the "Why"--

Why adopt again? Oh the list is too long, here is the short stack of it. Because if not than our hearts ache would just dig a whole deep in our souls that will haunt us forever. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is true. Because God loves to match up little ones with no one, and to match up big ones with small ones, to make whole ones. And also because we want to. :-)

Why the military? Many reasons and factors lead to this decision. One being a job and training that will lead to more opportunities. Another reason is health insurance and retirement benefits. Another is a challange and constant improvement for Steven's physical and mental person, which is important for a man.

Why stay in KC? We have been in Kansas City for almost 9 years now. Although we miss Arkansas and truly miss living in the country we feel that our home is here. It is hard being away from our family, but our friends here have become a second family. Our church is a huge part of our life, and just being in a city that offers so many diverse opportunities is exciting for us. Now that Steven is joining the MO. Air Force Reserves we have another reason to stay.

I have asked God so many Why's that I feel on the day of judgment he may just shew me to the side and tell me " I will deal with you in a minute".

Why am I here instead of where I want to be? Why the health issues? Why..Why...
Ultimatly I feel that most of the answers to the Why's are found in the "where" and the "when".
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6
God is truly working in our hearts and lives. I know that He is in love with us and constantly moving us closer to the full dependance on Him. He is teaching us leaning and challanging us to love beyond our life and circumstances. He is teaching us to go after the things that we believe in and then trust that He knows when and if we will arrive at them. He is healing us mind, body, and soul. He is trying to unite our hearts with unbreakable passion and cords of faith, love, and hope. He is showing us what family is and though ours may not be what we had dreamed, it can be more that we ever imagined. He is testing our faith and causing us to see that He is our provider, protector, and defender.

So there is my first of many updates. It was a little jumbled and random, but I feel that you are sorta caught up now. I have several topics that I want to write about, but that is for another day!