Learning to Lean

Someone once said, "There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations." I saw this quote and grinned as I pinning it in my mind. In the last week, I feel as though I have run a marathon with love and loss and I find myself panting for breath. I don't compare my present circumstances equal to severe losses, but a loss all the same. When Steven and I set out on our first adoption words cannot describe how utterly scared and how naive we were. Neither one of us really knew what we were getting into, or what was in store, but we knew what we wanted more than anything, and that was to be parents. Once they put Shiloh into our arms the tears started to roll down our faces and it hit us like a ton of bricks. It was a deeper love than I had ever felt in my life and it was as if everything around me was moving in slow motion. All that stood between me and this dream's fulfillment was a clock...12 hrs till the legal papers were signed and this angel was mine.  Fast forward 4 years and again our hearts burn to have another child. We set out once again through the labyrinth of paper work and case worker visits to get approved to have another child. In this process those are mere hurtles that must be assailed to get to the hardest part of adoption....waiting. I have learned this week that there is more to the waiting than seeing when a baby is born and papers are signed. I am writing this to process and for some it will be filling in the gaps of a story that we had hoped would end a different way.

This adoption started out as any other and we were matched in August with a baby girl. The agency was a familiar one and we felt that with the information that was given us we should proceed. Communication started shortly after and with our first meeting things seems well. You are always a little nervous and even skeptical  but as you begin to get to know the birth mother and all involved you become connected. About a month ago communication with our birth mother came to a screeching halt. No warning or reason, but after about a week she picked back up and we felt as though God was orchestrating things. Little did we know of the tensions that were brewing. About two weeks ago we met with our birth mother and asked some questions that had been lingering in our hearts and wanted to know why certain things were not figured out yet. Something in us just needed some straight answers. We were given answers and reassured. Last Wednesday we got a call that our birth mother was being induced and to get ready. We prepared and as planned when the baby was born we took primary care of the baby. In adoptions many times the birth mother's who are "100%" about their decisions, often ask the adoptive parents to name the baby and to care for them in the hospital when it is available to do so. In our situation it was no different. However it became clear very early on that with the baby's hair color and beautiful features that there would be an issue with the birth father. We knew that there was a risk with this. No adoption is 100% risk free.  When pursuing this adoption the birth mother kept assuring us that she was almost positive that the birth father was the one that was willing to sign. So I admit that it was a shock to hear otherwise. But with the birth mother's family also thinking that it was the other birth father there was little to do at that point but figure out where to go next. I cried as I held this beautiful little baby. Hoping and praying that there would be a way to still take her home, but also starting to prepare my heart for it not to happen. Through many different discussions the decision to bring in the birth father to talk to the birth mother was made. It didn't go well. At that point I felt my stomach sink and started to grieve my loss. Did I not have faith that God can move mountains? Of course, but I also knew of plenty of stories where God had laid out a plan but man chose a different way. After the meeting with the birth father, we went into our birth mother's room with our caseworker. During that time we were told that she had not been completely honest with us and had just hoped there would be a way around all of it. I was hurt, but also felt such empathy for this young girl. She was scared to death and totally naive. After that we got ready to leave. We had made the decision early on (because of the risk) to have the baby put in a foster placement till details were worked out. We didn't want Shiloh to be exposed to pain and possible loss if we could help it. So our case worker took the baby to our friends house for them to foster her and we went home. I was exhausted as any one who has a newborn can attest to. But the next day I went over to the foster home to see the baby. At that point I thought in my heart that this was probably not going to happen, but after bonding with this little one over the past 48 hours, I wanted to see her and hold on to hope. I spent sometime there cuddling and loving on her. In this I am not ashamed. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. John 15:12-14  
I know that some people may think that I was foolish for getting so attached to a baby that I may not be taking home, but I do not. When we are called Christians does it not mean Christ like? Does it mean seek out our own comfort or to comfort others? When I said yes to adoption did I know that I would for sure take home the first baby that came my way? No. But did I sign up to love without reserve, yes. I don't know any other way to love. If I knew how to love half way I wouldn't be married or be a mother, or even be a friend. I think the people that know me the best can attest to this fact. I have no regrets in that I loved while I could.  There in my arms was a tiny babe who had no one to call her own yet. How could I not love and give of myself the very thing that Christ has given me...unconditional love.
Her birth mother didn't want her, others couldn't take her and still other's didn't have the means or rights at the time. All this needed to be worked out. Then there we were. The promise of hope and joy and a bigger family was slowly fading away. All that remained was to love.

So I asked for prayer, for breakthrough, for resolve. I asked for healing for a young heart that was left abandoned. I asked a community that I know cares. Some may not have agreed with the method or the "madness", but it is what it is.
Since Monday, I did lessen my stays with the baby until today when I didn't even hold her. I simple kissed her and caressed her cheek. I prayed a blessing over her and I said good bye. I knew in my heart that it was over, I was just waiting for someone to make it official. You see we were not really free to just walk away. The birth mother's parents were trying to get the birth parents to make decisions. They had hoped it would be in our favor and for that we were honored. We had given them our word and until the birth parents made their decisions we just waited. We didn't plead or beg, we just simply waited. 

In the waiting God once again met us. I had cried because of loosing the what could have been,  I cried because I was reminded of my physical situation and the yearning in my heart. I cried because one minute I was holding a beautiful, perfect baby and the next was having to give her back. Was it painful....yes. Am I sad and hurt, yes. Would we have pursued this adoption had we known all the truths? Probably not, but we did and it was, and now here we are.  I feel so blessed by my friends and family who tirelessly prayed and encouraged me through this. All of your text, emails, and even Facebook comments were timely and appreciated  Even the ones who told me to just walk away, I know their hearts and I am thankful for friends who wanted to protect me. I am thankful for my mom who came at the drop of a hat to serve us and take care of Shiloh. I am thankful that the treasure of my heart, Shiloh, was protected from the pain of loss. I am thankful for a husband who let me walk this out in love and didn't hesitate in loving himself. But I am sooooo thankful to God. Once again. He showed Himself to me in a new way. Once again He came along side of me in pain and led me to the mountain top. I can see the valley below and I know that I walked this journey in His love and strength. I know that I am loved and healed and whole. I know that all His promised over me are "Yes and Amen"! Tomorrow a little baby girl named Nevah (that is what it is changing to) will leave this community and go home. What is in store for her I am not sure. I do know that it will not always be easy, but I pray over her life a spirit of joy and hope. I pray that she will know God and that He will make Himself known to her. I pray for protection and for a peace that cannot be shaken. 
Thank you for partnering in pray over her life. It all mattered to the One that matters the most.
Steven and my desire for another child has not diminished in this. We are still waiting and have now been released to get back on the agencies waiting list to pursue other situations as they come. Our financial loss was small in comparison and we are praying for God's restoration in that and in the fulfillment of our dream.
Thank you...

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.
Proverbs 31:8-9

Isaiah 61
......He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives

If your soul aches, you may be on a journey that will stretch your faith, your understanding of the meaning of life, and your knowledge of God. If you let it, your sorrow will increase your capacity to live well, to love lif

e, and to experience joy, not after the darkness but even in the midst of it.

Jerry Sittser (Author of A Grace Disguised), whose mother, wife and young daughter were killed in a car accident.

Blessings