Where's Waldo?

Ever check out a Where's Waldo book from the library only to be totally frustrated with the fact that you can't find that dang guy? I admit I am not that great at spotting that red and white striped man amidst the overstimulating background. It might be my ADD or just the fact that if it doesn't come to me I turn the page and count the last one as a loss. :-) I think that is my personality sometimes. I tend to move on to the next thing before I fully process what I couldn't grasp with the last. Don't dwell on the negative... it will only bog you down .Call it my coping mechanism or just my way of not getting emotionally involved. It can be a strength, but it can also be a weakness. A lot of people have been asking me lately if we are still adopting, or where we are in the process. My answer is standard...we are still in it to win it! Well the truth is I am still looking for Waldo and just need to turn the page.

Life is funny and I have always thought that the saying "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" was a good outlook. Well now I think that I want a juicer to make it easier. Anything to take the pain out of squeezing every lemon to get the last drop to make 1/2 a glass of sour lemonade. I know that sounds dramatic but this is my blog post and I will cry if I want to...cry if I want to.:-) Ok.... Many of you know that in August of 2012 Steven and I were matched with a baby girl that was then born on November 1st. She was beautiful, but due to circumstances she return home to her bio-mom on November 6th. You can read the post below to find out more details. I can tell you that in my heart I still believe that it was the will of God that she was to be our daughter. However, the will of God is still subject to the will of sinful men and it just cannot be so. He cannot force us to always make righteous choices for happily ever after endings.

In trying to recover from the trauma of that event and also finding some fairly serious health concerns and having subsequent surgeries to remedy them, I can say that I still feel a little like I am trying to find Waldo. For a couple of months afterwards I didn't want to adopt anymore. I was hurt and couldn't lick a wound that runs deeper than a failed adoption, but that runs a long 11 year struggle with infertility as well as the grueling task of two adoption and one very heart breaking failure. I was in my heart resigned to happily be the mother of one very bright, beautiful daughter whose light brightens our home and fills our hearts. I also was resigned that I wasn't going to be able to put my heart out in the open again if I was going to survive and be a good mother to Shiloh. However, there is a longing in my heart and a promise in my spirit that God is going to redeem the ashes and healing will spring forth like a garden in the desert. ( Isaiah 51:3) I want to turn the page and start looking again. In my heart I want 10 kids both biological and adopted. I want to push past the pain and hope in the promise with an unoffended heart, so that when that day comes I will sing like Hannah as she carried Samuel in her womb. That is my greatest desire!

 I don't really like to talk a lot about my struggle, but prefer to hold my head up and work to keep my heart unoffended and alive. Maybe that is because I know that people watch me to see how I will react. Maybe it is because I don't want my friends to be afraid to tell me that they are pregnant or to invite me to baby showers. It cannot be easy looking on from the outside of my struggle as my friend. What do you say? How do you tell me these joyful events when you also feel in your heart some pain at my journey? I love you friends and I thank you for your love, support, and prayers through the years. I think that you have all done so wonderful in making me feel special and loved throughout my journey as well as your own. I may have days and even weeks where I recluse myself a little as a wave of sorrow or longing washes over me. It comes and goes just like this crazy Missouri weather. One day I am happy and singing in the shower, the next it is 40 degrees and overcast in my heart. I cannot explain it, but I know how to walk through it. Bitterness is a root that grows up, but will also grow much deeper  under the surface if you let it. Time, prayer, and remembering the promise are my weed and feed solutions!

So where are we in the process.... Where is Waldo???  :-) Just kidding. Our home study expired so we are finishing up the necessary steps to updating it. We have been offered a couple of situations, but didn't feel peace about them due to the heavy risk they presented. I think that though we are in it to win it, we are also cautious to enter into a situation where there is so much in the air this time around. Call me crazy but my heart can only take so much. YES we still need finances (we lost about $1500 in the last attempt), NO I didn't get my puppy to fill the void ( he is just so dang adorable how could I resist), YES I am going to Haiti  (it makes my heart alive), and NO it isn't to take my mind off the adoption. :-) I hope that you read this with understanding and know that your friendship and partnerships are going to culminate in bringing home baby Cooper #2, and don't be afraid to ask. It takes a village for many things, and I for one am glad that I have friends to help me keep looking for that red and white stripes in this very confusing and overstimulating world.

Blessings