We leave tomorrow morning for Arkansas for the weekend. We are going home to see family, friends, and oh yeah to have our first baby shower. Some of the fun events that we will partake in are:
Dinning with friends
Children's ballet recital
A Roller Derby match ( my sister-in-law plays :-)
Coffee with a confidant on this journey of infertility
Going to the dollar jewelry store. (Oh ladies...it is a little slice of heaven for the accessory lover)
Church (if we wake up)
A BABY SHOWER
It will be a great weekend. We haven't been home since March I think. My god daughter and son are in a dance recital on Saturday. That will take place just before we go to watch my Canadian sister-in-law kick butt in her roller derby match.:-) It is the oddest thing, but surprisingly entertaining. The outfits that the roller girls wear are less than modest, but once you get past the initial shock you get into the game.
My mom has been working hard making our baby bedding that I am so excited to see. I picked out some patterns and material that I would want to use again and we used a style that for a girl or boy it would be stylish. Steven and I recently went into Pottery Barn for kids and got some great decor ideas that we are going to try to replicate for the baby's room.
We are going to have a few sad moments while at home, as we are parting with one of our white German shepherds this weekend. We have been trying to find Nia a home for sometime and nothing has panned out. A lady in Arkansas, that a friend knows, was instantly interested as she had lost her white German shepherd three months earlier. So we will make the transition over the three days that we are there and hope that everyone involved will be happy. She lives on two acres in the country and has another German shepherd. This is the life that I cannot give Nia, but have always wished for her.
So I will have lots of pictures to share and perhaps a video or two when we return. I am not sure whether I will be able to blog while there but I will try. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and keep reading!
May 29, 2008
May 28, 2008
The Great Tempest Calmed
Today is mildly cloudy and chili in Kansas City. I began my day like most with the alarm going off at 5:15am and me not getting up till 5:30am. I went to the prayer room and chatted with God, said hello to a few friends and watched my adorable husband play bass for the 6am-8am set. After that I headed into the Bethany healing rooms for my weekly session. The Bethany room is specifically designed for those with chronic or terminal illness to be prayed for by a consistent team using meditation on the word and prayer. I have been going since last January and have seen massive improvements in my physical symptoms. I am now off all three monthly medications that I was on. I only take them if I have a flare up or Ibuprofen.
This morning as we started I began by telling testimony of where I have come from (a place of self hatred and unbelief) to where God is taking me.(freedom in His unfailing love and loving myself) The unforgivness that I suffer from is self inflicted. Hating my own self for weakness and feeling sadness. I was so hard on myself the last 10 years that it feels that I am just seeing for the first time. Anna my friend and prayer leader on the team said that she wanted to meditate on a particular story in Matthew 8:23-27. Now for some of you who are unfamiliar with this type of meditation you are probably wondering what it has to do with my healing. It is amazing when we put ourselves in a story, imagining we are a disciple or Jesus himself, that we can truly see from a different perspective and feel the emotions of Christ. So in meditating on this passage I started by thinking through some of the words. "Tempest", "rebuked the waves", ... After that I placed myself as Jesus and was again reminded and amazed that He took on our flesh. Every aspect of being human He "suffered in". Jesus had to eat, sleep, and all that those two produce.
:-) If He had those task, then He felt anguish, pain, joy, and love. He was truly acquainted with all our suffering. That brought Him closer to me, someone I could relate to. Then I started thinking of what I would do if waves started coming over the sides of a rickety old fishing boat, that I was a passenger of. I would probably say a few cuss words and tie myself to the boat. I can imagine the simple disciples, (friends like me) who were not yet putting two and two together that Jesus was Messiah. They thought they were going to die....death....you know...THAT IS IT FOR YOU!!!! That is scary to anyone faced with it's possibility. Jesus awoke and looked over at them freaking out, all tied to the boat holding floaters and screaming like little girls. He might have laughed or he might have looked into the future and thought "O you of little faith" you will face much worse than this, yes even martyrdom and this will seem faint in comparison, yet you will prevail. Jesus saw the whole picture. That was a bonus for being fully man, and yet fully God.
Anyways... Jesus calms the storm and delivers them and "they marveled saying what kind of man is this"? They were still not getting it. That was OK to Jesus because in the end He wasn't giving the first prize to the one who could put all the pieces together and name Him God. He was quite confident in who He was. No he was after longevity and the heart response. He was thinking 30 years down the road, He is gone and they are being put on trial. If they recant they may live, yet if they refuse to give up Christ they will suffer without mercy. If He had scolded them in the boat, would they been able to stare a court in the face and hold fast to their confession of faith? We will never know, instead He simply continued to reveal Himself and what the Father was like. It worked because all but John out of the 12 originals, suffer unimaginable deaths declaring Jesus till the last breath. That is a meditation worth having.
It isn't always what you think, and sometimes you have to look much deeper for the good stuff. It pertains to my healing in that once again just like those on the boat, God revealed Himself to me personally. He once again reaffirmed His faithfulness and I felt hope. If those that were on that boat were in fear and unbelief, yet because of His love were able to finish well....well so can I no matter what the circumstances around me. I have to look at them as if they were me. I have to see that the same care and affection that Jesus took with them He is taking with me. Though I stumble and can get into fear I just have to remember to stay in the boat and cry out to the only one who could calm the storm.
Today I was immediately tested with the truth and hope that I received in my meditation. I was recently stuck with a dirty needle at work. As a nurse this is a "hazard of the job" as any old nurse will tell you. I went to have lab work with a tiny residue of fear from previous experiences. "What if you were stuck before and didn't know it. You could have HIV or Hep C or both. You could die,... you would never be able to have children..... You gave this to Steven,... you killed your husband...their son." You think those are crazy thoughts but, Oh my friend I hope that you are never faced with that reality. I have worked in many fields...surgery...pediatrics...and on hospital floors. Accidents happen everyday and nurses end up with long term consequences. I myself have been stuck before in surgery from a patient that we knew very little about. You do the follow up labs, but Satan always knows where we are most vulnerable. Not that he can see into my soul, but he remembers the past and loves to bring it up at the worst possible times.
So today I had a scare because I got a letter and prescription card for my treatment. !!!Treatment!!! What treatment!!!??? I was terrified. I called my employer and she had never heard of anyone getting a letter like that before. Yup..that was the moment my heart fell out of my chest and fear took its place. So on my way to take her the letter to look at Jesus spoke softly to me "Oh ye of little faith" It was so gentle, so calm. I instantly remembered my mediation not three hours before and thought, Great! "Jesus I don't want to be tested now...not now". Again He spoke "Oh ye of little faith, did I not deliver you?" I was softened and weak before Him. I thought of the disciples and their responses. I thought of what He had showed me that very morning and said "Lord calm this storm." Now that doesn't mean that I immediately felt peace and little doves floated down with flowers for me. No I was still in a little panic, but my heart was communicating with the Lord in weak hope and faith. So I took her the letter and she wanted to call and find out what was going on. I was scared and said no I would call. I tried to call and got voice messages. I was resigned to be in the boat with Jesus. I didn't loose it and jump into the ocean of emotional upheaval. I decided to trust Him no matter what that He could calm the storm. I got out my ipod and laid on my bed in my pj's determined not to think about it. I turned on soft worship and tried to concentrate on Jesus and the meditation. I got several phone calls but ignored them out of fear. I finally answered one from my boss after letting it ring forever. She called to tell me that all my test were negative. PRAISE THE GOD OF ABRAHAM, ISAAC AND JACOB!!! I know that you think it couldn't happen to me, but beloved I have been in those situations. But I have a God who delivers because He delights in us. He can see the picture from beginning to end. So today I was challenged and I hope that I responded well, that in heaven it was recorded that I passed. I have confidence that this lesson wasn't to scare Hell out of me, but to instill His constant thoughts over me, and that God LOVES me!!!!! He LOVES me and my "New Beginning" is here.
Blessings
This morning as we started I began by telling testimony of where I have come from (a place of self hatred and unbelief) to where God is taking me.(freedom in His unfailing love and loving myself) The unforgivness that I suffer from is self inflicted. Hating my own self for weakness and feeling sadness. I was so hard on myself the last 10 years that it feels that I am just seeing for the first time. Anna my friend and prayer leader on the team said that she wanted to meditate on a particular story in Matthew 8:23-27. Now for some of you who are unfamiliar with this type of meditation you are probably wondering what it has to do with my healing. It is amazing when we put ourselves in a story, imagining we are a disciple or Jesus himself, that we can truly see from a different perspective and feel the emotions of Christ. So in meditating on this passage I started by thinking through some of the words. "Tempest", "rebuked the waves", ... After that I placed myself as Jesus and was again reminded and amazed that He took on our flesh. Every aspect of being human He "suffered in". Jesus had to eat, sleep, and all that those two produce.
:-) If He had those task, then He felt anguish, pain, joy, and love. He was truly acquainted with all our suffering. That brought Him closer to me, someone I could relate to. Then I started thinking of what I would do if waves started coming over the sides of a rickety old fishing boat, that I was a passenger of. I would probably say a few cuss words and tie myself to the boat. I can imagine the simple disciples, (friends like me) who were not yet putting two and two together that Jesus was Messiah. They thought they were going to die....death....you know...THAT IS IT FOR YOU!!!! That is scary to anyone faced with it's possibility. Jesus awoke and looked over at them freaking out, all tied to the boat holding floaters and screaming like little girls. He might have laughed or he might have looked into the future and thought "O you of little faith" you will face much worse than this, yes even martyrdom and this will seem faint in comparison, yet you will prevail. Jesus saw the whole picture. That was a bonus for being fully man, and yet fully God.
Anyways... Jesus calms the storm and delivers them and "they marveled saying what kind of man is this"? They were still not getting it. That was OK to Jesus because in the end He wasn't giving the first prize to the one who could put all the pieces together and name Him God. He was quite confident in who He was. No he was after longevity and the heart response. He was thinking 30 years down the road, He is gone and they are being put on trial. If they recant they may live, yet if they refuse to give up Christ they will suffer without mercy. If He had scolded them in the boat, would they been able to stare a court in the face and hold fast to their confession of faith? We will never know, instead He simply continued to reveal Himself and what the Father was like. It worked because all but John out of the 12 originals, suffer unimaginable deaths declaring Jesus till the last breath. That is a meditation worth having.
It isn't always what you think, and sometimes you have to look much deeper for the good stuff. It pertains to my healing in that once again just like those on the boat, God revealed Himself to me personally. He once again reaffirmed His faithfulness and I felt hope. If those that were on that boat were in fear and unbelief, yet because of His love were able to finish well....well so can I no matter what the circumstances around me. I have to look at them as if they were me. I have to see that the same care and affection that Jesus took with them He is taking with me. Though I stumble and can get into fear I just have to remember to stay in the boat and cry out to the only one who could calm the storm.
Today I was immediately tested with the truth and hope that I received in my meditation. I was recently stuck with a dirty needle at work. As a nurse this is a "hazard of the job" as any old nurse will tell you. I went to have lab work with a tiny residue of fear from previous experiences. "What if you were stuck before and didn't know it. You could have HIV or Hep C or both. You could die,... you would never be able to have children..... You gave this to Steven,... you killed your husband...their son." You think those are crazy thoughts but, Oh my friend I hope that you are never faced with that reality. I have worked in many fields...surgery...pediatrics...and on hospital floors. Accidents happen everyday and nurses end up with long term consequences. I myself have been stuck before in surgery from a patient that we knew very little about. You do the follow up labs, but Satan always knows where we are most vulnerable. Not that he can see into my soul, but he remembers the past and loves to bring it up at the worst possible times.
So today I had a scare because I got a letter and prescription card for my treatment. !!!Treatment!!! What treatment!!!??? I was terrified. I called my employer and she had never heard of anyone getting a letter like that before. Yup..that was the moment my heart fell out of my chest and fear took its place. So on my way to take her the letter to look at Jesus spoke softly to me "Oh ye of little faith" It was so gentle, so calm. I instantly remembered my mediation not three hours before and thought, Great! "Jesus I don't want to be tested now...not now". Again He spoke "Oh ye of little faith, did I not deliver you?" I was softened and weak before Him. I thought of the disciples and their responses. I thought of what He had showed me that very morning and said "Lord calm this storm." Now that doesn't mean that I immediately felt peace and little doves floated down with flowers for me. No I was still in a little panic, but my heart was communicating with the Lord in weak hope and faith. So I took her the letter and she wanted to call and find out what was going on. I was scared and said no I would call. I tried to call and got voice messages. I was resigned to be in the boat with Jesus. I didn't loose it and jump into the ocean of emotional upheaval. I decided to trust Him no matter what that He could calm the storm. I got out my ipod and laid on my bed in my pj's determined not to think about it. I turned on soft worship and tried to concentrate on Jesus and the meditation. I got several phone calls but ignored them out of fear. I finally answered one from my boss after letting it ring forever. She called to tell me that all my test were negative. PRAISE THE GOD OF ABRAHAM, ISAAC AND JACOB!!! I know that you think it couldn't happen to me, but beloved I have been in those situations. But I have a God who delivers because He delights in us. He can see the picture from beginning to end. So today I was challenged and I hope that I responded well, that in heaven it was recorded that I passed. I have confidence that this lesson wasn't to scare Hell out of me, but to instill His constant thoughts over me, and that God LOVES me!!!!! He LOVES me and my "New Beginning" is here.
Blessings
May 27, 2008
Where We Are
Hello internet friends. :-) Just kidding, you who read these words are close to our hearts. We are doing well this week. After all of our dog trauma and emotional sorting we are here and alive. Grateful to be blessed with family and friends who care. Blessed to live in a community of believers and God seekers. Overwhelmed by the love and support shown to us by everyone who hears our story. Most of all we are weak and leaning into Jesus for our comfort, provision, and hope.
Today marks a very SPECIAL day for us. I am not really big into numbers or colors in the bible but a few I do know. The # 5 means grace and several 5's in a row (ex. 55, or555) means sufficient grace. The color purple means majesty or royalty and the color black represents death and sin. I can comprehend these if they are obvious.:-) Another number many are familiar with is the # 7. It can refer to completion, perfection, or previous. The last number that I am now thankful for is the number 8, which means New Beginnings. Today at 7pm Steven and I will be starting our 8th year of marriage. I turned 28 this past April and though it contains a two I cannot over look the 8. A new beginning is exactly what I feel that we are entering into. This year has been marked with many things already, but for Steven and I it is starting tomorrow afresh. A new season of growth, change, love, and a baby. As we are talking to agencies and case workers it would appear that we may receive a baby in August....if I am correct and don't need to repeat 1st grade that would be the 8th month. What!!! How amazing and prophetic is that? I think that God is trying to tell us something. Could it be that "though sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning"? I feel that we are on the threshing floor, everything in our lives is being sorted and only the finest grain is left.
"For I will work a work in your days
Which you would not believe,
though it were told you"Habakkuk 1:5
I am hopeful for something amazing, yet I am trying not to rush into another emotional tail spin that will leave me wounded. I feel that I have a greater handle on my heart because of the last month. Now don't worry this is not a prideful assessment of my progress but a gracious understanding that God and I are coming to. I was what you called a self hater, mean and abusive inwardly. I would never let myself confess the weakness and fears, the anguish and emotions of loss for fear that it was unbelief and God wouldn't heal me. I repressed, hid, and ran from anything that resembled introspection regarding my infertility and pain. For 10years I have endured pain, disappointment, loss, struggle, shame, isolation, and a secret anger that has been slowly producing the fruits of bitterness. God in His infinite wisdom and sovereign love did not want me to pass that on to a child, nor let me suffer another day as it festers in my heart. He has over the last month been slowly cleaning out my wounded heart and putting the balm of Gilead into my soul to allow me to walk in freedom and love. It has been rough and ugly and to be brutally honest SUCKED! But I am starting to feel things and it is alright. My feelings are relevant and OK. He isn't mad at us when we are angry and sad. Our healing is not dependant on how we act or how good we are. No, it is all resting upon His love, compassion, grace, timing, and ultimate plan. It is a season, an opportunity for greatness in the weakest state. We get an opportunity to truly love Him in the hardest place...to truly fellowship with Jesus in the midst of suffering. Is His word true when it says "“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”? 2 Cor.2:9 Whether we like it or not He gives us the opportunity to see if we have asked for it. I have asked to know Him intimately, to be near Him and to have communion with Him. He desires that we see Him and if we ask He will come, but it doesn't always come the way that we plan. Pain, fear, sorrow, weakness...these are distractions of Satan sent to throw us off the path to God. He turns them into golden opportunities to abide in His transcendence and grace, all the while teaching us to love Him and not just His gifts. He is after love... human hearts that adore Him. It isn't narcissism, but when you love someone so much you just want them to love you in return. Jesus is over flowing with emotions for us and desires a responsive heart just like anyone in love would. I am probably rambling on at this point, lost in a personal thought process that seems jumbled and unclear to the outsider. (outside my head)
I just want to relate the inward workings as we are all hoping for the same thing and praying for it to come soon. Think on the #8 and also the word "abiding". These are two things that I am trying to see in a different light.
Blessings
Today marks a very SPECIAL day for us. I am not really big into numbers or colors in the bible but a few I do know. The # 5 means grace and several 5's in a row (ex. 55, or555) means sufficient grace. The color purple means majesty or royalty and the color black represents death and sin. I can comprehend these if they are obvious.:-) Another number many are familiar with is the # 7. It can refer to completion, perfection, or previous. The last number that I am now thankful for is the number 8, which means New Beginnings. Today at 7pm Steven and I will be starting our 8th year of marriage. I turned 28 this past April and though it contains a two I cannot over look the 8. A new beginning is exactly what I feel that we are entering into. This year has been marked with many things already, but for Steven and I it is starting tomorrow afresh. A new season of growth, change, love, and a baby. As we are talking to agencies and case workers it would appear that we may receive a baby in August....if I am correct and don't need to repeat 1st grade that would be the 8th month. What!!! How amazing and prophetic is that? I think that God is trying to tell us something. Could it be that "though sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning"? I feel that we are on the threshing floor, everything in our lives is being sorted and only the finest grain is left.
"For I will work a work in your days
Which you would not believe,
though it were told you"Habakkuk 1:5
I am hopeful for something amazing, yet I am trying not to rush into another emotional tail spin that will leave me wounded. I feel that I have a greater handle on my heart because of the last month. Now don't worry this is not a prideful assessment of my progress but a gracious understanding that God and I are coming to. I was what you called a self hater, mean and abusive inwardly. I would never let myself confess the weakness and fears, the anguish and emotions of loss for fear that it was unbelief and God wouldn't heal me. I repressed, hid, and ran from anything that resembled introspection regarding my infertility and pain. For 10years I have endured pain, disappointment, loss, struggle, shame, isolation, and a secret anger that has been slowly producing the fruits of bitterness. God in His infinite wisdom and sovereign love did not want me to pass that on to a child, nor let me suffer another day as it festers in my heart. He has over the last month been slowly cleaning out my wounded heart and putting the balm of Gilead into my soul to allow me to walk in freedom and love. It has been rough and ugly and to be brutally honest SUCKED! But I am starting to feel things and it is alright. My feelings are relevant and OK. He isn't mad at us when we are angry and sad. Our healing is not dependant on how we act or how good we are. No, it is all resting upon His love, compassion, grace, timing, and ultimate plan. It is a season, an opportunity for greatness in the weakest state. We get an opportunity to truly love Him in the hardest place...to truly fellowship with Jesus in the midst of suffering. Is His word true when it says "“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”? 2 Cor.2:9 Whether we like it or not He gives us the opportunity to see if we have asked for it. I have asked to know Him intimately, to be near Him and to have communion with Him. He desires that we see Him and if we ask He will come, but it doesn't always come the way that we plan. Pain, fear, sorrow, weakness...these are distractions of Satan sent to throw us off the path to God. He turns them into golden opportunities to abide in His transcendence and grace, all the while teaching us to love Him and not just His gifts. He is after love... human hearts that adore Him. It isn't narcissism, but when you love someone so much you just want them to love you in return. Jesus is over flowing with emotions for us and desires a responsive heart just like anyone in love would. I am probably rambling on at this point, lost in a personal thought process that seems jumbled and unclear to the outsider. (outside my head)
I just want to relate the inward workings as we are all hoping for the same thing and praying for it to come soon. Think on the #8 and also the word "abiding". These are two things that I am trying to see in a different light.
Blessings
May 17, 2008
Hi There!
I wanted to thank all of those who are standing with us in prayer and support. We feel your prayers and as you are praying our little one is being blessed in the womb. Angels are being released around our birth mother and I am hanging in there. Thank you. Your comments and prayers are such a blessing and I feel lifted up knowing that we are with friends. Kristi in Canada, to you and your husband thank you! We should come and see you when little Cooper comes. To my mothers Sunday school class, ladies thank you! I know that so many of you have been down this path and I know that I am going to emerge from the jungle of emotions leaning on Jesus and more compassionate and grateful. To my friend Robin, you are an amazing woman of God and I am thankful for you. To my mom... thank you for rallying the troops on my behalf and teaching me to be willing to do the hard things for greater return.
I am blessed, I am confident that He loves me, I am in His gaze... and I am on a journey for a season that is His purpose. No one wants to go up to the mountain of myrrh, the mountain where we lay our self down to pick up the character of Christ. Hannah in 1Samuel "wept bitterly in her soul" because of the emotional torment of her situation. I know now that it wasn't just not having a child that Hannah wept about. As a women it was so much more. It wasn't just about comparison and a hope. It was about a destiny that was built into her heart. It was about faith and wanting to see God display His gentleness and kindness in her life like He promised. It was about seeing His faithfulness over her in a personal way that would seal forever her love for Him. She wanted to know that she wasn't forsaken forever and that He loved her as much as she knew He did. She "poured out her soul to God" because she knew there was no where else for her to take her petition. No one else could soothe the longing in her heart but the one who fashioned it for her" (Ps.33)
I am there, trying to not loose sight of reality and staying my eyes on the Lord. (Is.26) I want to lean on Jesus more. I told the Lord years ago that I wanted to be like Hannah...to look only to Him. Well I cannot rejoice and sing her song unless I first go to the place that revealed her heart.
For me it isn't just about my physical condition. It isn't just about the adoption or the longing for a child. It isn't even about the money and all the how's in between. It is that bitter weeping, the deep longing in my soul to see Him reveal himself to me in a personal way. For Him to come and touch me in this place and to see my darkness and call me lovely. This place... the dark night of my soul... the place that I hate the most being exposed and yet He would put His left hand under my head and for His right arm to embrace me. S.O.S 2:6
I am grateful for a season to experience the dark to know how great the Light is. It doesn't feel so great and I probably don't sound like I am grateful but in my heart I know. I am surrendering to His wilderness season so that at the end of the day I can fully say "not my will but Yours be done."
I am blessed, I am confident that He loves me, I am in His gaze... and I am on a journey for a season that is His purpose. No one wants to go up to the mountain of myrrh, the mountain where we lay our self down to pick up the character of Christ. Hannah in 1Samuel "wept bitterly in her soul" because of the emotional torment of her situation. I know now that it wasn't just not having a child that Hannah wept about. As a women it was so much more. It wasn't just about comparison and a hope. It was about a destiny that was built into her heart. It was about faith and wanting to see God display His gentleness and kindness in her life like He promised. It was about seeing His faithfulness over her in a personal way that would seal forever her love for Him. She wanted to know that she wasn't forsaken forever and that He loved her as much as she knew He did. She "poured out her soul to God" because she knew there was no where else for her to take her petition. No one else could soothe the longing in her heart but the one who fashioned it for her" (Ps.33)
I am there, trying to not loose sight of reality and staying my eyes on the Lord. (Is.26) I want to lean on Jesus more. I told the Lord years ago that I wanted to be like Hannah...to look only to Him. Well I cannot rejoice and sing her song unless I first go to the place that revealed her heart.
For me it isn't just about my physical condition. It isn't just about the adoption or the longing for a child. It isn't even about the money and all the how's in between. It is that bitter weeping, the deep longing in my soul to see Him reveal himself to me in a personal way. For Him to come and touch me in this place and to see my darkness and call me lovely. This place... the dark night of my soul... the place that I hate the most being exposed and yet He would put His left hand under my head and for His right arm to embrace me. S.O.S 2:6
I am grateful for a season to experience the dark to know how great the Light is. It doesn't feel so great and I probably don't sound like I am grateful but in my heart I know. I am surrendering to His wilderness season so that at the end of the day I can fully say "not my will but Yours be done."
My Prayer Garden
I wanted to share my project. I started with a very bare and ugly problem site to t
he right of our house and I am trying to transform it into a little garden area on a tight budget. I got the blocks for the retainer walls free as well as the dirt and mulch. It was a huge blessing from a friend who owns a landscaping business. I got the plants that you see at Lowes last year on the 75% off rack and prayed that they would come back. The bushes I got the same way two years ago. The white swing we found on the side of the road. I am going to paint it and get some cushions. I think we are going to get grass rolls like they put down at new homes to fill in the barren places. I also planted a wisteria vine and hydrangea along the fence as you exit.
he right of our house and I am trying to transform it into a little garden area on a tight budget. I got the blocks for the retainer walls free as well as the dirt and mulch. It was a huge blessing from a friend who owns a landscaping business. I got the plants that you see at Lowes last year on the 75% off rack and prayed that they would come back. The bushes I got the same way two years ago. The white swing we found on the side of the road. I am going to paint it and get some cushions. I think we are going to get grass rolls like they put down at new homes to fill in the barren places. I also planted a wisteria vine and hydrangea along the fence as you exit.It is coming along and it a fun project for me. I like to work in the yard and I feel good seeing the results when it is all done. This morning I sat on my swing and talked to a friend then journaled a little. I love it. I can't wait to get some grass down and maybe plant a few more things. I think it will be a great refuge for me. Lord knows that I need it right now.
Jesus come to this garden enclosed and make your home in me.
May 14, 2008
Riding The Waves in the Sea of Life
Today I woke up after a terrible night at work and just didn't opt to get out of bed. There have been moments when I felt the entire world around me crashing in (quite a few lately) and I just want to lay in bed and sleep my "happy" back in. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it is the same when I get up as when I lay down. Today after a walk I realized something, when you press garlic what smell comes out? That all to popular garlic smell that makes our mouths water. When a rose is pressed what smell comes out? The aroma of love, that the perfume industry makes a billion dollars off of a year. So in this season of my life being put into the ringer, what is coming out? Well it isn't rose oil, and yet I am not quite garlicky yet either. I am somewhere in the middle. I would love to say that only humility, gentleness, and peace are squeezing from every pore but that would be a big fat lie. I realized today that A) It isn't about me. There are so many factors going on in this battle. We are waging war for a little one to come into our home and to be raised in the house of prayer. God is preparing Steven's heart to be a father and mine to be a mother. B) Life sucks because Jesus isn't ruling on the earth yet and the dark is getting darker. So those of us trying to live in the light are in a constant battle. C) When pressed between a rock and a hard place what should we do? Try to move the boulder or dig our way out of the dirt? NO...lean in to the Rock that is higher that we are and let Him be the lifter of our heads.
Well I cannot say that I have been doing that totally. I am trying to juggle five things and I am so afraid that if I stop for one moment to "let God" that I will just drop them all. How silly is that?
Barrenness comes with a host of obstacles that one must overcome. We are all barren in some ways as Matthew 5 puts it "poverty of spirit". I just happen to have more barren spots in the physical than most. But no matter the circumstances my position should still remain the same. "Hold fast to the Faith" Col.1 I tell you barrenness along with adoption can turn into an obsession very easily. It can consume your thoughts, your dreams, and take over your normal functions to make you this crazy lady who cries and yells at the drop of a hat.:-0 I am teetering on the fence and I want to jump off and onto the hillsides where Jesus sustains us. Those green pastures and streams of living water that He promises. Isaiah 26:3 says that "He will keep you in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on the Lord."
Oh Lord help me to jump off the crazy cycle and "stay" my mind on You. Keep me from the obsession of self and what ifs , and consume me with Your unfailing love and desire. Sustain me, refresh me, keep me, and draw me into that perfect peace that is so calming and soothes the weary soul.
Well I cannot say that I have been doing that totally. I am trying to juggle five things and I am so afraid that if I stop for one moment to "let God" that I will just drop them all. How silly is that?
Barrenness comes with a host of obstacles that one must overcome. We are all barren in some ways as Matthew 5 puts it "poverty of spirit". I just happen to have more barren spots in the physical than most. But no matter the circumstances my position should still remain the same. "Hold fast to the Faith" Col.1 I tell you barrenness along with adoption can turn into an obsession very easily. It can consume your thoughts, your dreams, and take over your normal functions to make you this crazy lady who cries and yells at the drop of a hat.:-0 I am teetering on the fence and I want to jump off and onto the hillsides where Jesus sustains us. Those green pastures and streams of living water that He promises. Isaiah 26:3 says that "He will keep you in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on the Lord."
Oh Lord help me to jump off the crazy cycle and "stay" my mind on You. Keep me from the obsession of self and what ifs , and consume me with Your unfailing love and desire. Sustain me, refresh me, keep me, and draw me into that perfect peace that is so calming and soothes the weary soul.
May 12, 2008
Garage Sale/Everything Update
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to post something about the garage sale. Thank you to everyone that donated items. We had some great stuff. We raised over $430 over the two days of the sale. I think it was very successful. I had some great helpers and with the wonderful donations many passer buyers were attracted to our site.
Jen and Angela helped me price items on Thursday, and then were there again the next day to help sale. They found some great items to display and helped weed through those that wouldn't.
There was one shopper who made me laugh. Mia came buy both days and found things that she wanted. So I held them till the next day. She came back with baby in tow and we loaded up her stroller. It was truly ingenious as we used bungee cords to strap a fire truck the front of the stroller and a dehydrator to the back. It made me laugh so hard.
So the update on everything else is this....we are still waiting and you with us. We are hoping for a call soon, if anything just for my sanity. I realized on Friday while in the prayer room that I had put God in a time machine. I set the clock and expected that when it stopped I would have my baby. Everyone said that we would have a baby in the spring. So I just put that in my heart and the closer we get to June the more nervous and anxious I become. So much so that I am literally driving myself crazy. I was reading about Hannah in 1 Samuel and it said that she wept bitterly and then I did. Her soul was in agony and Phinah the other wife wasn't helping the situation. No Steven doesn't have another wife in the basement, but my expectations torment me just like Phinah tormented Hannah. But the thing I must remember is unlike most of the matriarchal, Hannah went to God and poured out her soul. I am there, trying to pour out my soul, let go and let God. Some days all I can think about is this adoption stuff. Checking the list, trying to find more agencies to apply to. It can be an unhealthy obsession. Other days I could just cry if I think about it again. I know God is loving on me through this because people will just randomly come up and want to pray for me because God put me on their hearts. Thank you Lord!!! It helps me to refocus. Through this journey we are learning so much about each other and being prepared for parenthood in individual ways. Now I can say that we are both ready, and waiting together. That is a good feeling.
The emotional roller coaster is that it seems that we have no say in this. I cannot just say "Hey give me that baby" to an agency. First we need mega bucks. I cannot just say to a birth mother " you know you want to pick me so just do it". She has to make the hardest decision of her life and in the process know that she is granting my greatest wish. I look in the mirror sometimes and say "body what is up with you. You have a built in super computer and you can't even get this one thing right. Come on just ovulate already and make a love lodge for life". It is strange to feel that your body has hijacked you. But what can you do. It is out of my hands and in God's. Then there is the other side of my heart and brain that says that we have a huge say in this. In the high courts of Heaven, my Father knows my deepest desires. He promised in His word to give me the desires of my heart if I remain and rest in His faithfulness. SO there I am, pleading my case in court and resting in His arms.
I am just rambling now, but the bottom line is we are still praying for our little one, rejoicing with our friends who have been matched, and waiting in expectancy for our little baby Cooper. Thank you for standing with us through this. I am thankful that I have a place to express my ramblings and border line heresies with actual human feed back. We will all rejoice together when this chapter is threw and the next begins as we invite a little blessing into our home.
May 2, 2008
Friday Sale Update
Friday morning come really early when you get about an hour of sleep Thursday night. The storm was awful and freaked my dogs out, which in turn kept me up. So when my alarm went off at 5:00am to go hang signage I was less than thrilled. I got up however and went out to a very wet Terrace Lakes. I hung signs all over and hope that they stayed through the wind today. I'll check them later and replace where needed.
I opened shop this Friday May 1st at 7am. I have a lot of great stuff that people donated so I know that it can be a great sale. The wind was a huge factor today knocking over things. It knocked over one picture and broke it and a few other items. Our clothes line snapped and that led to our clothes just laying on the porch. It was frustrating. The traffic through my sale was slow and by 1pm I was fading fast. Knowing that I had a full day of saling ahead of me I called it quits for the day. I ended around 2pm and that is when the traffic started to pick up. I couldn't do it though. I went inside and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. No worries I will get up and do it in force tomorrow. I am picking up some furniture tonight late and will have it out tomorrow as well as some great dishes and baby stuff.
All in all I made about $85. Not to bad, but I am really hoping for more tomorrow! I am now off to see Romeo and Juliet performed by the Kansas City Ballet. My renter is a UMKC dance student and gets tickets for $10. That is a fantastic discount. So we are getting all dressed up and going to go to the ballet.
I opened shop this Friday May 1st at 7am. I have a lot of great stuff that people donated so I know that it can be a great sale. The wind was a huge factor today knocking over things. It knocked over one picture and broke it and a few other items. Our clothes line snapped and that led to our clothes just laying on the porch. It was frustrating. The traffic through my sale was slow and by 1pm I was fading fast. Knowing that I had a full day of saling ahead of me I called it quits for the day. I ended around 2pm and that is when the traffic started to pick up. I couldn't do it though. I went inside and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. No worries I will get up and do it in force tomorrow. I am picking up some furniture tonight late and will have it out tomorrow as well as some great dishes and baby stuff.
All in all I made about $85. Not to bad, but I am really hoping for more tomorrow! I am now off to see Romeo and Juliet performed by the Kansas City Ballet. My renter is a UMKC dance student and gets tickets for $10. That is a fantastic discount. So we are getting all dressed up and going to go to the ballet.
May 1, 2008
Happy May Day!
Just thought that I would wish all of you a wonderful first day of May and to update you on all that is great in the Cooper house!
We are still waiting on our "call". You know where the agency calls us and says "hey we have a baby for you!"I am praying that we will get it this week. Now for me this week isn't over till midnight on Sunday. So I will be hopeful until then. Lord PLEASE!!!!!!!
I am crazy for sure, but tomorrow I will be opening up my front yard to all those who love to rummage through other peoples unwanted items, a.k.a garage sale. We have a ton of stuff donated by so many wonderful people and from my personal collection. I think that it will be a great event. My awesome friend Jennifer James and Angela Curry have so generously become my slaves for the weekend. Today we sorted and priced till we wanted to throw up. We have all types of items like tools, some furniture, rugs, home decor, linens, shoes, sleds, Cd's, movies, oh and a massive ficus tree. I am excited! Come stop by.
I sent Steven off today to Seattle/Tacoma Onething. He will be there till Sunday. He helped pick up stuff for the sale and set up heavier items, but honestly garage sales are not his thing. I am so proud of Steven. He has been so faithful to the Onething team and gone all over the place ministering in so many different environments. Rain or shine, healthy or sick he has be faithful. Last year he had a really bad sprain and was put on crutches two days before he had to travel. He was in a lot of pain and every time he played his ankle would swell. None the less he pushed through it. This year in Sacramento he was throwing up and had a fever. Over all it has been great experience for him and he has learned a so much. He is a hard worker and I hope that he can continue to travel with Onething.
I am wrapping up my year with The Daniel Academy. Trying to get everything about the organ systems in so that we can dissect something. Pigs, cats, or frogs I think. Pig hopefully since their organs are close to ours. We'll see and I will definitely take pictures.
I guess that is it. Stay tuned to hear how the sale goes and for some great sale pictures!
We are still waiting on our "call". You know where the agency calls us and says "hey we have a baby for you!"I am praying that we will get it this week. Now for me this week isn't over till midnight on Sunday. So I will be hopeful until then. Lord PLEASE!!!!!!!
I am crazy for sure, but tomorrow I will be opening up my front yard to all those who love to rummage through other peoples unwanted items, a.k.a garage sale. We have a ton of stuff donated by so many wonderful people and from my personal collection. I think that it will be a great event. My awesome friend Jennifer James and Angela Curry have so generously become my slaves for the weekend. Today we sorted and priced till we wanted to throw up. We have all types of items like tools, some furniture, rugs, home decor, linens, shoes, sleds, Cd's, movies, oh and a massive ficus tree. I am excited! Come stop by.
I sent Steven off today to Seattle/Tacoma Onething. He will be there till Sunday. He helped pick up stuff for the sale and set up heavier items, but honestly garage sales are not his thing. I am so proud of Steven. He has been so faithful to the Onething team and gone all over the place ministering in so many different environments. Rain or shine, healthy or sick he has be faithful. Last year he had a really bad sprain and was put on crutches two days before he had to travel. He was in a lot of pain and every time he played his ankle would swell. None the less he pushed through it. This year in Sacramento he was throwing up and had a fever. Over all it has been great experience for him and he has learned a so much. He is a hard worker and I hope that he can continue to travel with Onething.
I am wrapping up my year with The Daniel Academy. Trying to get everything about the organ systems in so that we can dissect something. Pigs, cats, or frogs I think. Pig hopefully since their organs are close to ours. We'll see and I will definitely take pictures.
I guess that is it. Stay tuned to hear how the sale goes and for some great sale pictures!
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