Our Process Up To Now

I wanted to share a little of where we are in our adoption process. We started our adoption process in November by getting ready to update our home study. For those unfamiliar with the process this is where you gather everything that tells a story about your family (finances, background checks, reference letters, case worker visits, physicals, etc..) and have a case worker go over the information and put it into a document called  a Home Study. This document is required by every state if you are wanting to adopt. It is a state stamp of approval. By December we were filling out agency paper work and moving forward with that. We got our home study back at the first of January, and had a family profile made. A profile is a book that tells about your family in pictures and short narratives, that agencies show to birth mothers. (In private adoption the birth mothers pick the families) Once we had all our paper work in we started thinking about funds. We had been saving for the last couple of years, but we didn't save as much as we would have liked. We had a fundraising dinner on Feb. 12th that was a great night. We had a sit down dinner and a silent auction that was serenaded by the talented music of Rachel and Wallace Faagutu. The silent auction was a huge hit and the whole night blessed us tremendously in support and financial gifts that was over $6000.

Adoption is such a wonderful thing, but it isn't easy. You are petitioning the government of men and the Government of Heaven to be a part of  the redemption of a life. The very life that Satan wants to destroy and snuff out, you are stepping in to rescue. It truly is amazing how one minute you are apart and then next you are together. One minute you are strangers, and the next you are family. God is truly amazing!!! However, it is no easy thing to start this ordeal, and once you finish one step there are five more to go.
As this is our second go around, I feel a little more settled with the process, but it is still invasive and all around not my idea of fun. I am not a good secretary so the paper work is a challenge, and I didn't miss my calling of being a professional fundraiser. Though the means to the end are not the fun part, the goal and prize are well worth the effort. I remember our adoption process with Shiloh and I almost cringe. I was a nervous wreck and I am pretty sure that I just about wore my wonderful adoption consultant and my friends out. However, the moment that the nurse put Shiloh in my arms, I felt as though I would have climbed to the stars and to the farthest galaxy if needed to be in that moment. It was all worth it! The long nights of stressing out, the phone calls, the fundraising, the waiting....it all culminated to the most exciting and wonderful moment of my life. One minute I am just sitting in a hospital room, and the next thing I was holding a beautiful baby girl and I was a mom. I mean, come on!!!! She reached her little arm out of the blankets at us and I just melted into a pool of mush.Steven was crying, I was crying, the nurses were crying...it was a sight. Nothing had prepared me for the rush of emotions or the instant transformation of woman into mother that happens when you hold your baby for the first time.

There are also other emotions that the adoption process brings for me that are less glorifying. Steven and I are not like a lot of couples around us that are adopting, in that many of our friends and aquatints that have adopted have done so after having biological children. They have maybe 2 or 6 and yet they felt that there was still room in the inn. For us, the process is not an option, it is the only option. We would adopt even if we could conceive, but right now adoption is our conception. It is hard sometimes because the whole process shines a light on our inability to conceive, and our longing for healing and restoration. It is paralyzing sometimes when I start to dwell on the why's of it all. My chest gets tight and I just want to cry. I hope that this isn't hard for you to read, but in truth it is even hard for me to write without tears. It is what it is though.
The paper work and preparations are the pregnancy, and though my belly isn't growing, the longing and love in our hearts is almost busting at the seams. From the first pen stroke on the first form I fill out, I am thinking of our little one. I am not just filling out a form, I am advocating for my child. I am not just trying to keep it all in order, I am gathering the resources to bring my child home. It is very personal to me. Every piece of paper represents a step closer to seeing and holding my little one. Who will this baby be? Where will the baby come from? What will we have to do to finally bring this one home? Will my baby be safe? Oh Lord, please help the birth mother make good choices for my baby.... Please Lord, protect my little one from harm, or anything that Satan would try to do to destroy it's life. Every mother prays similar prayers, mine are not that different.
( Don't get me wrong, Shiloh is my child through and through. I am not trying to minimize who she is or how I feel about her as my daughter. Steven and I have often talked about how we almost forget that we didn't conceive and give birth to her. God has knit our hearts together.)
There is an ache in my heart and my body that I would be lying if I denied. We were created to carry life within our bodies. When that doesn't happen there is almost a vacuum left. I cannot speak for every woman in this same state, but for me I deal with it the best I know how. It isn't always pretty and some days are better than others.most days I am fine and welcome life with happiness and joy. But there are other days that this burden weighs heavy on my heart. I may not always be able to attend baby showers, or even be excited when I hear of another friend that is expecting. I will try my best not to show it, or to wear heavy emotions on my sleeves, but I will not always be the best at hiding my ache. I have tried in the last 15 years to keep my heart above bitterness, or even complacent whining. I have studied out the woman of the Bible who have walked this road and held on to the promises of God. It is possible to be truly happy, yet contend for more. I hope for the day that our love will explode into a life growing inside of my womb. I would love to be able to rest my hand on my belly to touch and feel the life with in.But for now,  I will touch my heart and hold on to the prayer that all is well where ever my little one is. I will rejoice in the opportunity for God to use me in a different way. To complete a dream in His heart, to fill a longing in mine. He is a master architect and I am merely a brick layer.
I long for Holy Spirit to reach into that womb and comfort my little one, to touch the birth mothers heart and softly hold her. There are so many emotions that rage on the inside, but I also have a promise that whether I silently pray it or shouted from the roof, I will  believe and hold on to until it is fulfilled.
May 2008- God gave me this scripture over my body. Whatever it looks like, however it comes, it is well with my soul!


 Isaiah 51:3." For the Lord will comfort Zion,
He will comfort all her waste places;
He will make her wilderness like Eden,
And her desert like the garden of the Lord;
Joy and gladness will be found in it,
Thanksgiving and the voice of melody."