Time Has Flown

I am making no promises to write every day. I will write today and we will take it one day at a time. I am finding that I don't really have a consistency when if comes to writing and communication. So here we are. Time has flown and I find myself running after what feels like fleeting moments of glorious wonder. I wish that I could erase all the bad memories and just embrace the good. However life is like a box of chocolate and you just don't know what you are going to get one day from the next. This is the saga of my life. I love listening to people who have their lives mapped out for their 5, 10, 15 year plans. They know where they are going to be, and what they are going to be doing. It is inspiring and instills a sort of hope. Then there are people like me, or what has been for the last few years anyways. Dreams and plans that ....well they are still in the "vision" state. Some people are dreamers and live out their dreams. Some people are dreamers and live out the present. So here I am in the present. I still hope for my dreams and am inspired by others, but here we are in the present none the less.

Shiloh is fabulous as always. The joy in my day and the love of my life. I cannot even imagine what my life would be like without her. I could cry right now just thinking of what a misery it would be to live without her by my side. Now all mother's know that life with a toddler of three is no walk in the park everyday, but it is an adventure that I will never regret. There are moments of regret that I am to strict, too emotional, not home enough, nor rich enough to give her everything....but there is plenty of love in my heart! At three I feel that Shiloh could sit down with just about anyone and have a conversation. She frequently stops people in the stores to ask them their names and what they are doing. She can find her letters, shapes, and numbers in just about any setting, and she is very creative. Of course I think that my child is amazing and I doubt anyone would fault me for it.

Steven is still pursuing school and a job in law enforcement. He will be taking a class this fall towards finishing his associated degree. He has had some fun opportunities to go kayaking and camping this summer and we will be going again in a couple of weeks for our annual trip.

I am still working in surgery at St. Joe's and currently working on the 3pm-11pm shift. It is a great shift as I have lots of time to study my school work for my RN degree and it also lessens our babysitting bill. I love spending time with Shiloh during the day and then going to work at night. For me it is a great shift. Currently I am working on a pretty big landscaping project in our back yard that is both overwhelming and exciting. Other things in the works for me are preschool at home for Shiloh. My friend Amanda and I are going to do some stuff to help each other out and I think that it will be fun for Shiloh. She loves learning and I like to see her excel. I am tying to get into shape, but since having switched to 3-11 shift I find myself lacking in the "want to workout" department. I feel confident that it will return though.

So that is where we are. Not far from where we left off before. Like I said... there are people living their dreams and then there are people living in the present. So here I am...trying to live in the present like it was my all time favorite dream.

So much fun!

Last weekend we went camping in Mountain View, MO with Shiloh and a few friends. The weather was perfect and the company was fabulous. Mountain View is about 4 1/2 hrs from KC so when you are going that far it takes a while to pack everything up. We were taking the camper so that made it a little easier to pack and prepare. I started packing on Monday night just so I wouldn't forget anything. There is a walmart in Mountain View, but that is no fun when you are supposed to be roughing it. We got everthing loaded up on Wed night and Steven left on Thurs morning to get the spot and set it up. I went to work Thurs and was able to get someone to cover my shift for Friday so that I would be able to leave earlier. It just so happened that one of our friends that was also going camping was taking his motor home. He said that if Shiloh and I could leaver early than we could ride with him. SWEET!

So you know by now if you have read my blog at all that I always have lots of little mishaps when I try to go ro do anything. It is God's little way of humbleing me and keeping my speech pure. So this trip was no different. Thurs night when I got home with Shiloh I got a letter in the mail that was terrible news. It hit me so hard I wasn't able to concentrate or do anything but cry and go to bed early. The next morning I woke up a little earlier to get the final things ready and packed to ride with our friends. Shiloh was not her happy self so that was drama enough. Got her fed and dressed and then needed to conccetrate on packing. Yeah good luck. Shiloh didn't really want to watch TV so she followed me around pulling out everthing that I was packing up. Nice.. So I finally got some bags packed and ready to go when I realied that it had been quite for about 5 mins. OMG>>>> where is Shiloh. I just knew that quite meant trouble. I found Shiloh on my bed with my little jar of Vasoline. Yeah, it was everywhere. So now by this time I have about 30 min to get to the house of my friend. I called one of the guys and asked if he could come and get me so that we would have a car in our driveway. He said no, but that they would wait for me to get there. I went to IHOP and found my friend Jonas loading into his truck and basically begged him to take me to Grandview to meet up with the motor home. He did and off we went. We pulled in and I realized that this motor home was HUGE. I was so happy. This meant that Shiloh could play and not be confined to a chair for 4 1/2 hrs. It was awesome! I got all my stuff loaded and in a matter of minutes we were off.

This motor home was loaded. It had recliners, a couch, a dinette set, a bathroom, and a bedroom. Not to mention a fully loaded kitchen with refrig. It was awesome, much more "accommodating" than our cute little camper. Shiloh was in heaven as she scoped the place out, laughing all the way. We stopped about 30 min.into our drive for some food. I got into my purse and realized that I had left my wallet at home. "Are you freaking kidding me", I exclaimed. I was so mad and just done at this point. The morning had been me running around and I was exhausted. My friend loaned me some money and I felt like an irresponsible teenager. Who forgets their wallet when they are going 4 1/2 hrs away with a toddler? Needless to say I was really ready for Shiloh to take a nap. In order not to annoy our friends, Shiloh and I shut ourselves into the bedroom and made it our little playroom. She finally laid down and we took about a two hr nap. When we woke up we were 60 miles from our camp site. That was by far the best way to travel with a toddler in my book. I am currently taking applications for someone with a nice motor home to be my personal driver for all my trips. "-)

Camping was lovely due to many factors. 1) I love the outdoors and the smell of fresh air. 2) our friends are amazing! 3) I love our little camper and am excited to start making family memories with it. 4) I needed a break from reality. Our lives are a little stressful lately and being away from it all was just what I needed! Our campsite was about 100 yrds from the river that had clear water that you can see the bottom in. The trees provided shade and I love the sound of the leaves when the wind blows.

Anna and I hit the water on Saturday morning and it was a little chilly at first. But after swimming in the spring the feeds the river (it is about 40 degrees) the river felt like a nice warm bath. We took Shiloh in the river with us and she loved just floating. We would let her flow with the river for a little ways and she was just laying on her stomach very still letting the current take her. The river flows like a lazy river where we camp so she was very safe. I didn't let her flow down the rapids of anything. Then Anna and I along with Steven our guide :-) climbed a huge rock and jumped off. It was awesome although I fell at one point and bumped my knee. When took a break and ate some lunch and all laid down in our tents and took a nap. Steven had set up an extra tent so I laid down in it since Shiloh was in the camper taking a nap. During the day we set up the pack -n- play for Shiloh so that she wouldn't just play in the camper.

When I went to go get Shiloh from her nap I heard her awake and I felt in my stomach that she was up to something. Sure enough, when I opened the door there is my child covered in gel candle wax. She had been able to reach this smell good candle that we had on the counter and it was everywhere. All over the walls, the playpen, the floor, and all over Shiloh. As funny as it looked I was a mess because I wasn't sure if it was poisonous or not. I looked in her mouth but couldn't tell if she had eaten any. I freaked to say the least and loaded her and my friend into the truck and started driving towards town to get cell phone service. I was trying to call poison control and couldn't get through. Meanwhile Shiloh is just sitting there so quiet and I wasn't sure whether it was because she was reacting to poison or to her freaking out mother. Since I couldn't get through to poison control I called 911 and asked them to patch me through. Then stayed on the line till they heard poison control tell me that it would be alright. The candle according to there database was made of mostly mineral oil, which when ingested acts like a laxative. Yup...we found that to be true later that night. I was so relieved, I thought I would just vomit from the over production of adrenaline. Man what a mess.

So we got back to our campsite and Steven was preparing for our canoe trip. (Side note..he was worried, but once he saw us coming back he knew it was alright.) So off we went to float with our friends and a 2 yr old. Brave I know. Shiloh loves to get into the boat and we want her to love doing all the things that we enjoy outside. So we got all the boats in the water and set out for what we thought was a 2 hr float. It was something out of the funny papers for sure. I would need a whole post just to go over all that occurred, but here is a little run down.

* Shiloh talked and whined a little, non- stop the whole 2 hrs.

* Shiloh wanted lean over the side of the boat and play in the water. I just sat a little more to the opposite side of the boat to level it out and let her do it. Why not?

* Steven got frustrated. You who know him can imagine

* We had 5 adults plus Shiloh in one canoe and it was funny. That makes it a little difficult to steer and paddle. But all in all it was super fun!

* One tump in a kayak and we had to back track to help find a paddle after that tump.

* Thought we were lost and wouldn't make it back by dark only to turn the next corner and be at our camp site.

** It was so fun!!!

So we ate dinner that night and all slept after our adventure. All in all it was such a fun time and the start of what I hope will be a wonderful family tradition. The camper was a life saver in that we just climbed in and there was our nice comfy bed and when we get it all ready our bathroom and shower will be working. It is so nice! That is the basics of our little family camping trip. I am so tired now, so I am going off to sleepy land.

Blessings

Remebering 9/11

This day brings so many emotions for our nation, for families, for loved ones who are alone today. On this day not so long ago a tragedy of horrendous proportions occurred and we will never be the same.You can ask just about anyone where they were on Sept. 11th 2001, and most people will know exactly where they were when the towers in New York were struck. For me I was in my nursing class, just settling in for a lecture when our clinical instructor ran in and turned on the TV. We were struck with awe and then watching the second plane hit, we were struck with fear. I honor the men and women of our country that have and are fighting for freedom. There are no words that are eloquent enough to thank our soldiers for their service and sacrifices for our country, but thank you from the depths of our hearts.

With all that goes on with memorial services for the fallen, dedications, and celebrations on this day, I am drawn to a different set of memories altogether. For me 9/11 has a story of redemption that has wiped away many tears and brought unsurpassed joy. On September 11th 2008, at 10:52 am in a small town, in an even smaller hospital my daughter was born.

On that day, 6 lbs 10 oz of glorious perfection ,wrapped in a white blanket with a little blue stripe running it's length was placed in my arms. With tears streaming down our faces we embraced our hearts long cry and caressed her new, soft skin. It was a moment that I will not forget for all of my days. I felt like I could float, yet it was difficult to breath. It seemed that time just stood still for us in that moment, looking into each others eyes with tears and laughter. The days, weeks, and months that followed were sweet as we grew together into a family. Love brought us all together and love binds us forever.

We had a birthday party last weekend for Shiloh with two of her other friends that also turned two. Man that was a lot of kids and a lot of stain stick. :-) They were so cute just running around playing together. So carefree, so confident, and so oblivious to the fact that it was their 2nd birthday. We had lots of yummy food and some sweet cupcakes for the kids. Shiloh was quite fond of the icing on the cupcake and would swipe the icing off of any unattended cupcakes that she found. Toys were plentiful and very generous. I think that my daughter owns everything Dora and more dress up pretty things that we know what to do with. She was so happy with opening her presents yet just a little dumb founded I think at why she was getting so many. After opening them up she quickly returned to the play set that had occupied her for most of the night. It was so fun to watch her roam about enjoying her freedom and the expanse of outdoor toys. (We all brought out door play things and set them around the yard) After the party, while the adults were cleaning up, the girls were plopped on the couch to sugar down while watching a movie. They looked like they were stoned as the sugar started to wear off. It was pretty funny. It was a great party and I was so thankful to share it with my friends and family.

The Detox

Today as I woke my little toddler, rather she woke me and I finally got up to go see her playing in her crib. I opened the door and there I was met with a beaming smile that I will never grow tired of. I said "good morning baby, it's your birthday". She said " Hi mommy" and started jumping up and down. She is such a happy and endearing baby. We sang Twinkle Twinkle and then I sang Happy Birthday to her. I told her that she was "2" and held up my fingers to match. She held up her hand, not able to separate her fingers. She grab two of her fingers and with a loud happy squeal said "TWOOOOOOO". We had pancakes for breakfast and a "Nummy, Nummy". After a fun morning with her friend Olivia she was ready for a nap. After waking in a very happy mood we watched a Dora movie that grandma gave her and then we headed to the park.

She is such a big girl on the playground going all over it without hesitation and down the slides every which way. There was a small little bridge that we went over several times as she proclaimed that it was a "Tro Bridge" (Troll Bridge is off of Dora). Then we ran some errand and made it back home for some yummy dinner and a bath. Now snug in her bed, drifting off to sleep I find myself wishing that I could rewind this day and replay if over and over.

My little baby is growing up so fast and I wish that I could push the pause button for just a moment. I love watching her discover new things, learn new words, and explore new surroundings, but I miss holding my little tiny baby. Singing her softly to sleep and then lingering in the rocking chair praying over her. She isn't tiny anymore and now she just wants to get down from my embrace and go go go. I love her so much, sometimes I think that I would burst. I am so thankful to God for making a way when there seemed to be no way. For calling people to give to us in our adoption process. For keeping Shiloh healthy and safe till she was in my arms. And for keeping her safe and growing her in my home. I am so thankful for so many things as I look at my sleeping angel. Thank you Jesus, thank you!

My little beauty.

It's Been A Long Time

To all my blog readers, I am truly sorry for ignoring you all this time. Life as it is, leaves me little time to sit and blog, but I am trying to mend my ways. My computer is old and slow so loading pictures can be an all day event, much less videos. However I figured if I start early in the morning I should be able to finish a post before I go to work in the afternoon. :-) I know that everyone is anxious to hear about Shiloh and also what Steven and I are doing. Shiloh is growing up so fast and as you will see in the next few post, she isn't a baby anymore. She is so smart and very funny. She is turning into a little love muffin with her spontaneous expressions of love and her vocabulary grows by tens everyday.
I will wet your appetite with some pictures and videos then post about each person individually. This week will culminate with a very special event, it is Shiloh's 2nd birthday!!!! Here are some recent pics and a couple of videos for your viewing pleasure!

We are big time playground people! Shiloh has no fear. She goes for the tallest slide and loves to swing on her belly.


Yummy yummy watermelon!

Grandma gave her this pool and it was a hit!

I love this facial expression.

This video took place at a friends house. Our dear friends the Farrows came into town so we spent a day at another friends pool. Shiloh loves going to the pool and loves daddy's boat!

Some Just Don't Get A Chance

Today as I walked into work one of the staff told me that there was an unfortunate accident this morning involving one of our children. Truly it was unfortunate although after hearing the story I am not sure that it was an accident. The two children were fighting on their dorm and one boy slammed the door on the other boys hand and it amputated his little finger. They took him to the ER however they could not save the finger. They cut the bone and created a little skin flap over the amputation. This little guy has had a terrible year and this is just the icing on the cake. How much can one heart take? How much can one little broken, RAD heart take? Will he retreat even deeper inside to dull the pain? I don't know.

He is one of many, whose parents abused and neglected him. His little heart shut down from all the trauma and he refused to be loved. He was abused in foster care and became a predator because of it. He was adopted by a family that wasn't quite aware of what they were getting. They just relinquished their rights back over to the state. So here he is again in the balance. His case worker has been changed four times since being here and when all this happen today there were no parents or loved ones to cry on their shoulders. There was just dorm staff. Now granted we love our kids, but when your finger gets chopped off in a fit of rage you want a mom, no matter how deep your heart is buried. Just yesterday he was telling our psychiatrist that he knows that he really messed up with his last adoptive family and wasn't sure that he would ever be loved. Then this happens to him. Poor "C", he never even had a chance.

I could tell you story after story like this and much worse. My job is a hard one and in some ways you have to become a little hard to with stand the demand that is placed upon your emotions and mind. If I were to let it all hit me, I would need medication myself. There are so many in my care that need more than this broken system and over worked case workers can give them. They need healing, restoration, love, determination, resounding affirmation, boundaries, and resurrection. These kids are made in His image and crafted from His dreams. God destined them all in the womb. It is unfortunate that not all of these wombs were the place of safety and refuge that they were designed to be. Oh if my womb could have housed them all. Oh if I would have been the one to hold them on that first day of life. If someone had cared enough, if someone had know how to love them rightly. What would they be like today? Who would they aspire to be in 10 years. One of the young men here says that he knows what he wants to be when he grows up. " I want to go to prison. My uncle did, my aunt did, and my dad did. You have to be tough to make it though. That is why I am here now". He never even had a chance.

Where are the mother's and father's. Turn their hearts to their children Lord!!!!! I am just blogging because my heart aches for these children of mine. My heart is also broken because I get so busy with paper work, logs, medication orders, and such that I forget to walk these halls and pray for them by name. I get so lost in talking to case workers and faxing consents to listen to God's heart for each of them. Oh Lord convict my heart again that they are under my "care". That while I am on duty I am responsible for them and to you for them. Pray for my children here at work. They are truly precious in His sight.
Blessings

The Amazing Creation

Last Thursday I was working at St. Joes' in surgery and had an interesting conversation with the OBGYN that I was working with. He and his son are in the same practice and are very good surgeons. We were performing a vaginal hysterectomy on a lady that came into the OR bleeding pretty bad. Once we got started I stated, " such a small organ to cause such big problems". I say things like that throughout procedures just to make conversation and sometimes I learn a lot more than I knew before. So in response to my observation the surgeon said " yes, but it is really an incredible organ". I agreed and also added that it is creativity in motion. We marveled for a few moments at all the things that the uterus and it's co horts do. Then I jokingly said " I bet you two wish you had one." This got a chuckle and then a resounding "NO".

I was listening to the bible on tape, the book of Mark, the part of the resurrection. The angels appeared to the women and they went in turn to tell the disciples and the men didn't believe them. In my head I was thinking "silly boys". Then I got to thinking and I put all these things together to ponder the amazing creation that the woman is. Here are my thoughts.

In the begining God created all things. It was good and he rested. Then He saw man and it was not good for him to be alone. So he created woman. Ok- right there I am struck with awe already and we are only in Genesis. Woman was the answer to the loneliness and the complete package of the perfect creation. The communion between man and God needed one more thing, woman. As women we were created to fill a void that nothing else in all creation could fill. Now I am sure that there are some husbands out there that would say ... "I would rather take the void", but God was pleased when he made us. That is profound. Though we were taken from the side of man we are created differently and uniquely. God didn't just put Adam to sleep to make a replica to keep him company. He created something very special to knit us together. I mean if you think of all that our little bodies can do it will make your head spin. Then on top of what our bodies can do think of all the things that we thing and do at the same time. We are like a circus act.

So moving on I looked then at several of the mother's of the faith. Sarah, Rachel, even Bethsheba in regards to the miracles that God performed through a woman. The promise coming forth from the barreness, seduction and sin redeemed with a son who became the wisest man on earth. Fastforward hundreds of years to a virgin girl chosen by heaven to carry the darling of heaven in her womb. We have a womb!!! A place were two worlds come together to make LIFE. It is amazing! Out of the womb came the savior of the world. Women that is amazing! God entered into his very own creation, under went the most amazing transformation from cell to form, to tiny baby born through toil and labor. It is divine. Fast forward 30 years and you see Jesus performing His first miracle at a wedding. What else speaks woman like a wedding? Then comes to a well to speak to a sinful woman that a whole village might be saved. Then in jerusalem He saves a prostitute from certain death and is annointed by Mary of Bethany. He frequented the house of Mary and Martha and I wonder if it was conforting to His heart to be around those woman? Then fast forward to the cross and His burrial. Once risen the angels do not trumpet his ascension on the city streets, but wait for those who come to pour love and frangrance over Jesus' body. Woman, those who tend and love well. Heaven entrusted these woman with the announcement that baffled the ages. Yet when it came out of their mouths, confirming the scripures of centuries, they were ignored. Typical. :-)

All this to say that I am always amazed everytime that I think on woman and our divine place in God's heart. So many times in the scripture a woman cries out and God meets her uniquely. I am blessed to be created a woman. I cling to the promises of Hannah's cry and Sarah's laughter that became a sacrifice for all of Israel. Though I wait on healing for my physical body, the heart of a woman beats in my chest. The heart that cries out for justice and prays with longing for fullness. The heart that will take in the stranger and share with the needy. The heart that would give my last cup of water to my child and pray for the rain. We were not a side note, but the icing on the cake of creation. Fearfully and wonderful crafted in the heart of God to serve a purpose and to give Him worship as only we can.
Blessings

Here We GO

I know that I said that I would up load some new pics, and oh how I have tried. I cannot for the life of me find the little cord that goes to our camera to upload. Well then I thought I will just take some with my phone and email them to my account. I took some pics but then my phone said that it was too full to send them. I deleted some things and then got he same message. So then I was like "fine..got to find that cord". I am looking everywhere...high, low...behind Shiloh's crib, in her toy bucket...everywhere and I have come to the conclusion that our floor must have ate it. There is no other logical explanation. Our floor randomly eats things and then spits them up later. Things like shoes, socks, bobby pins...etc.. You get the picture. Ha Ha..no you don't get the picture because I cannot upload them. This sucks. I might have to buy another cord to get you the pictures. Well don't expect that too soon. Getting to the store is an event that only takes place on the weekends unless the stars align just right for it to happen on a week day.

Anyways the real reason to post is that I wanted to ask for prayer for Steve. He has several interviews coming up and would you please pray that God would open up doors to the right police department for him. He will interview with Grandview and Raytown Missouri this week. He is anxious to have a job lined up for when he gets out of school and to be honest that would help me out a lot as well. I can cut back my hours then and relax a little more. So there you have it.
Blessings!

I know, I know

It has been a while since I have shown pictures of our lives and how we have all grown. OK, I know that although you love Steven and I, most people who read this blog want to see pictures of Shiloh. With good reason since I think that she is just the most beautiful little girl ever! She is getting so big and her personality is just as big. I think that she is under the impression that she is 3 or even 6 yrs old and can do everything herself. She is a wiz on any playground and given the right unsupervised moment will try to dart off in another direction. She is fast on those little legs believe me. Anytime is a good time to play outside in her book. She loves going to the park, the zoo, in the stroller, and on the bike as long as you are outside.

We are trying to get her to use two words at a time. Things like "hold me", "more please".... she will say one word, but looks at us like we are new people when we ask her to use more than one word. Like "look this has been working up till now, why ruin a good system". Oh well..it will come! Anyways, I will try my hardest to get some new pics and possibly a new video up soon.
Blessings