Where We Are

Hello internet friends. :-) Just kidding, you who read these words are close to our hearts. We are doing well this week. After all of our dog trauma and emotional sorting we are here and alive. Grateful to be blessed with family and friends who care. Blessed to live in a community of believers and God seekers. Overwhelmed by the love and support shown to us by everyone who hears our story. Most of all we are weak and leaning into Jesus for our comfort, provision, and hope.

Today marks a very SPECIAL day for us. I am not really big into numbers or colors in the bible but a few I do know. The # 5 means grace and several 5's in a row (ex. 55, or555) means sufficient grace. The color purple means majesty or royalty and the color black represents death and sin. I can comprehend these if they are obvious.:-) Another number many are familiar with is the # 7. It can refer to completion, perfection, or previous. The last number that I am now thankful for is the number 8, which means New Beginnings. Today at 7pm Steven and I will be starting our 8th year of marriage. I turned 28 this past April and though it contains a two I cannot over look the 8. A new beginning is exactly what I feel that we are entering into. This year has been marked with many things already, but for Steven and I it is starting tomorrow afresh. A new season of growth, change, love, and a baby. As we are talking to agencies and case workers it would appear that we may receive a baby in August....if I am correct and don't need to repeat 1st grade that would be the 8th month. What!!! How amazing and prophetic is that? I think that God is trying to tell us something. Could it be that "though sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning"? I feel that we are on the threshing floor, everything in our lives is being sorted and only the finest grain is left.

"For I will work a work in your days
Which you would not believe,
though it were told you"Habakkuk 1:5

I am hopeful for something amazing, yet I am trying not to rush into another emotional tail spin that will leave me wounded. I feel that I have a greater handle on my heart because of the last month. Now don't worry this is not a prideful assessment of my progress but a gracious understanding that God and I are coming to. I was what you called a self hater, mean and abusive inwardly. I would never let myself confess the weakness and fears, the anguish and emotions of loss for fear that it was unbelief and God wouldn't heal me. I repressed, hid, and ran from anything that resembled introspection regarding my infertility and pain. For 10years I have endured pain, disappointment, loss, struggle, shame, isolation, and a secret anger that has been slowly producing the fruits of bitterness. God in His infinite wisdom and sovereign love did not want me to pass that on to a child, nor let me suffer another day as it festers in my heart. He has over the last month been slowly cleaning out my wounded heart and putting the balm of Gilead into my soul to allow me to walk in freedom and love. It has been rough and ugly and to be brutally honest SUCKED! But I am starting to feel things and it is alright. My feelings are relevant and OK. He isn't mad at us when we are angry and sad. Our healing is not dependant on how we act or how good we are. No, it is all resting upon His love, compassion, grace, timing, and ultimate plan. It is a season, an opportunity for greatness in the weakest state. We get an opportunity to truly love Him in the hardest place...to truly fellowship with Jesus in the midst of suffering. Is His word true when it says "“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”? 2 Cor.2:9 Whether we like it or not He gives us the opportunity to see if we have asked for it. I have asked to know Him intimately, to be near Him and to have communion with Him. He desires that we see Him and if we ask He will come, but it doesn't always come the way that we plan. Pain, fear, sorrow, weakness...these are distractions of Satan sent to throw us off the path to God. He turns them into golden opportunities to abide in His transcendence and grace, all the while teaching us to love Him and not just His gifts. He is after love... human hearts that adore Him. It isn't narcissism, but when you love someone so much you just want them to love you in return. Jesus is over flowing with emotions for us and desires a responsive heart just like anyone in love would. I am probably rambling on at this point, lost in a personal thought process that seems jumbled and unclear to the outsider. (outside my head)

I just want to relate the inward workings as we are all hoping for the same thing and praying for it to come soon. Think on the #8 and also the word "abiding". These are two things that I am trying to see in a different light.

Blessings