Today I woke up after a terrible night at work and just didn't opt to get out of bed. There have been moments when I felt the entire world around me crashing in (quite a few lately) and I just want to lay in bed and sleep my "happy" back in. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it is the same when I get up as when I lay down. Today after a walk I realized something, when you press garlic what smell comes out? That all to popular garlic smell that makes our mouths water. When a rose is pressed what smell comes out? The aroma of love, that the perfume industry makes a billion dollars off of a year. So in this season of my life being put into the ringer, what is coming out? Well it isn't rose oil, and yet I am not quite garlicky yet either. I am somewhere in the middle. I would love to say that only humility, gentleness, and peace are squeezing from every pore but that would be a big fat lie. I realized today that A) It isn't about me. There are so many factors going on in this battle. We are waging war for a little one to come into our home and to be raised in the house of prayer. God is preparing Steven's heart to be a father and mine to be a mother. B) Life sucks because Jesus isn't ruling on the earth yet and the dark is getting darker. So those of us trying to live in the light are in a constant battle. C) When pressed between a rock and a hard place what should we do? Try to move the boulder or dig our way out of the dirt? NO...lean in to the Rock that is higher that we are and let Him be the lifter of our heads.
Well I cannot say that I have been doing that totally. I am trying to juggle five things and I am so afraid that if I stop for one moment to "let God" that I will just drop them all. How silly is that?
Barrenness comes with a host of obstacles that one must overcome. We are all barren in some ways as Matthew 5 puts it "poverty of spirit". I just happen to have more barren spots in the physical than most. But no matter the circumstances my position should still remain the same. "Hold fast to the Faith" Col.1 I tell you barrenness along with adoption can turn into an obsession very easily. It can consume your thoughts, your dreams, and take over your normal functions to make you this crazy lady who cries and yells at the drop of a hat.:-0 I am teetering on the fence and I want to jump off and onto the hillsides where Jesus sustains us. Those green pastures and streams of living water that He promises. Isaiah 26:3 says that "He will keep you in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on the Lord."
Oh Lord help me to jump off the crazy cycle and "stay" my mind on You. Keep me from the obsession of self and what ifs , and consume me with Your unfailing love and desire. Sustain me, refresh me, keep me, and draw me into that perfect peace that is so calming and soothes the weary soul.
1 comment:
I love how real you are about all that you are processing and going through. I especially related to B =) Things just aren't right until He's here. I'm able to identify with parts of what you write. Sometimes it's hard to lean, eh?
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