Hi There!

I wanted to thank all of those who are standing with us in prayer and support. We feel your prayers and as you are praying our little one is being blessed in the womb. Angels are being released around our birth mother and I am hanging in there. Thank you. Your comments and prayers are such a blessing and I feel lifted up knowing that we are with friends. Kristi in Canada, to you and your husband thank you! We should come and see you when little Cooper comes. To my mothers Sunday school class, ladies thank you! I know that so many of you have been down this path and I know that I am going to emerge from the jungle of emotions leaning on Jesus and more compassionate and grateful. To my friend Robin, you are an amazing woman of God and I am thankful for you. To my mom... thank you for rallying the troops on my behalf and teaching me to be willing to do the hard things for greater return.

I am blessed, I am confident that He loves me, I am in His gaze... and I am on a journey for a season that is His purpose. No one wants to go up to the mountain of myrrh, the mountain where we lay our self down to pick up the character of Christ. Hannah in 1Samuel "wept bitterly in her soul" because of the emotional torment of her situation. I know now that it wasn't just not having a child that Hannah wept about. As a women it was so much more. It wasn't just about comparison and a hope. It was about a destiny that was built into her heart. It was about faith and wanting to see God display His gentleness and kindness in her life like He promised. It was about seeing His faithfulness over her in a personal way that would seal forever her love for Him. She wanted to know that she wasn't forsaken forever and that He loved her as much as she knew He did. She "poured out her soul to God" because she knew there was no where else for her to take her petition. No one else could soothe the longing in her heart but the one who fashioned it for her" (Ps.33)

I am there, trying to not loose sight of reality and staying my eyes on the Lord. (Is.26) I want to lean on Jesus more. I told the Lord years ago that I wanted to be like Hannah...to look only to Him. Well I cannot rejoice and sing her song unless I first go to the place that revealed her heart.

For me it isn't just about my physical condition. It isn't just about the adoption or the longing for a child. It isn't even about the money and all the how's in between. It is that bitter weeping, the deep longing in my soul to see Him reveal himself to me in a personal way. For Him to come and touch me in this place and to see my darkness and call me lovely. This place... the dark night of my soul... the place that I hate the most being exposed and yet He would put His left hand under my head and for His right arm to embrace me. S.O.S 2:6

I am grateful for a season to experience the dark to know how great the Light is. It doesn't feel so great and I probably don't sound like I am grateful but in my heart I know. I am surrendering to His wilderness season so that at the end of the day I can fully say "not my will but Yours be done."