The Great Tempest Calmed

Today is mildly cloudy and chili in Kansas City. I began my day like most with the alarm going off at 5:15am and me not getting up till 5:30am. I went to the prayer room and chatted with God, said hello to a few friends and watched my adorable husband play bass for the 6am-8am set. After that I headed into the Bethany healing rooms for my weekly session. The Bethany room is specifically designed for those with chronic or terminal illness to be prayed for by a consistent team using meditation on the word and prayer. I have been going since last January and have seen massive improvements in my physical symptoms. I am now off all three monthly medications that I was on. I only take them if I have a flare up or Ibuprofen.

This morning as we started I began by telling testimony of where I have come from (a place of self hatred and unbelief) to where God is taking me.(freedom in His unfailing love and loving myself) The unforgivness that I suffer from is self inflicted. Hating my own self for weakness and feeling sadness. I was so hard on myself the last 10 years that it feels that I am just seeing for the first time. Anna my friend and prayer leader on the team said that she wanted to meditate on a particular story in Matthew 8:23-27. Now for some of you who are unfamiliar with this type of meditation you are probably wondering what it has to do with my healing. It is amazing when we put ourselves in a story, imagining we are a disciple or Jesus himself, that we can truly see from a different perspective and feel the emotions of Christ. So in meditating on this passage I started by thinking through some of the words. "Tempest", "rebuked the waves", ... After that I placed myself as Jesus and was again reminded and amazed that He took on our flesh. Every aspect of being human He "suffered in". Jesus had to eat, sleep, and all that those two produce.
:-) If He had those task, then He felt anguish, pain, joy, and love. He was truly acquainted with all our suffering. That brought Him closer to me, someone I could relate to. Then I started thinking of what I would do if waves started coming over the sides of a rickety old fishing boat, that I was a passenger of. I would probably say a few cuss words and tie myself to the boat. I can imagine the simple disciples, (friends like me) who were not yet putting two and two together that Jesus was Messiah. They thought they were going to die....death....you know...THAT IS IT FOR YOU!!!! That is scary to anyone faced with it's possibility. Jesus awoke and looked over at them freaking out, all tied to the boat holding floaters and screaming like little girls. He might have laughed or he might have looked into the future and thought "O you of little faith" you will face much worse than this, yes even martyrdom and this will seem faint in comparison, yet you will prevail. Jesus saw the whole picture. That was a bonus for being fully man, and yet fully God.

Anyways... Jesus calms the storm and delivers them and "they marveled saying what kind of man is this"? They were still not getting it. That was OK to Jesus because in the end He wasn't giving the first prize to the one who could put all the pieces together and name Him God. He was quite confident in who He was. No he was after longevity and the heart response. He was thinking 30 years down the road, He is gone and they are being put on trial. If they recant they may live, yet if they refuse to give up Christ they will suffer without mercy. If He had scolded them in the boat, would they been able to stare a court in the face and hold fast to their confession of faith? We will never know, instead He simply continued to reveal Himself and what the Father was like. It worked because all but John out of the 12 originals, suffer unimaginable deaths declaring Jesus till the last breath. That is a meditation worth having.

It isn't always what you think, and sometimes you have to look much deeper for the good stuff. It pertains to my healing in that once again just like those on the boat, God revealed Himself to me personally. He once again reaffirmed His faithfulness and I felt hope. If those that were on that boat were in fear and unbelief, yet because of His love were able to finish well....well so can I no matter what the circumstances around me. I have to look at them as if they were me. I have to see that the same care and affection that Jesus took with them He is taking with me. Though I stumble and can get into fear I just have to remember to stay in the boat and cry out to the only one who could calm the storm.

Today I was immediately tested with the truth and hope that I received in my meditation. I was recently stuck with a dirty needle at work. As a nurse this is a "hazard of the job" as any old nurse will tell you. I went to have lab work with a tiny residue of fear from previous experiences. "What if you were stuck before and didn't know it. You could have HIV or Hep C or both. You could die,... you would never be able to have children..... You gave this to Steven,... you killed your husband...their son." You think those are crazy thoughts but, Oh my friend I hope that you are never faced with that reality. I have worked in many fields...surgery...pediatrics...and on hospital floors. Accidents happen everyday and nurses end up with long term consequences. I myself have been stuck before in surgery from a patient that we knew very little about. You do the follow up labs, but Satan always knows where we are most vulnerable. Not that he can see into my soul, but he remembers the past and loves to bring it up at the worst possible times.

So today I had a scare because I got a letter and prescription card for my treatment. !!!Treatment!!! What treatment!!!??? I was terrified. I called my employer and she had never heard of anyone getting a letter like that before. Yup..that was the moment my heart fell out of my chest and fear took its place. So on my way to take her the letter to look at Jesus spoke softly to me "Oh ye of little faith" It was so gentle, so calm. I instantly remembered my mediation not three hours before and thought, Great! "Jesus I don't want to be tested now...not now". Again He spoke "Oh ye of little faith, did I not deliver you?" I was softened and weak before Him. I thought of the disciples and their responses. I thought of what He had showed me that very morning and said "Lord calm this storm." Now that doesn't mean that I immediately felt peace and little doves floated down with flowers for me. No I was still in a little panic, but my heart was communicating with the Lord in weak hope and faith. So I took her the letter and she wanted to call and find out what was going on. I was scared and said no I would call. I tried to call and got voice messages. I was resigned to be in the boat with Jesus. I didn't loose it and jump into the ocean of emotional upheaval. I decided to trust Him no matter what that He could calm the storm. I got out my ipod and laid on my bed in my pj's determined not to think about it. I turned on soft worship and tried to concentrate on Jesus and the meditation. I got several phone calls but ignored them out of fear. I finally answered one from my boss after letting it ring forever. She called to tell me that all my test were negative. PRAISE THE GOD OF ABRAHAM, ISAAC AND JACOB!!! I know that you think it couldn't happen to me, but beloved I have been in those situations. But I have a God who delivers because He delights in us. He can see the picture from beginning to end. So today I was challenged and I hope that I responded well, that in heaven it was recorded that I passed. I have confidence that this lesson wasn't to scare Hell out of me, but to instill His constant thoughts over me, and that God LOVES me!!!!! He LOVES me and my "New Beginning" is here.

Blessings