My Heart Alive

This is not a direct post about Shiloh however there is much mention of her. I will post later today. I have some great pics of her taking a bath which she loves. It is so funny! I wanted to share from my heart if for anything other than to get it off my chest. This seasons in my life over the last 9 months has been riddled with self reflection, discovery about my weaknesses, and revelation of God's great endurance and kindness to me. I have see through my own tough guy facade to see the real me and it is a rough transition. I had an encounter with the Lord only days before we got the call for Shiloh that I will never forget. Jesus met me on a vast mountain range and just as I was about to crest the peak thinking that my journey was done, the mountain range extended out beyond the horizon. I was crushed and cried out that I could not go on any further. Jesus in His mercy was showing me that this was not the end, but only the beginning. It was a startling revelation but with His gentle touch my heart was made ready for the long trek. Now instead of Jesus and Me, it would be Jesus and us. Shiloh was to be my traveling buddy on this pilgrimage. Jesus told me that she too would need to know how to climb these mountains. My burst into tears at that thought. Would they be this very same mountain range? The barren waste land of disappointment, loss, sorrow, & sickness? Would she have to look in the face of a curse, speak to it with authority to be gone and wait patiently in the wind? Oh Lord no! Or would it be a different mountain range all together but equal in its challenges? These are questions that I will ask and the answers I will pray into. For now I must learn to climb the mountain to the best of my ability so that when she is ready my ceiling will be vaulted and give her a boost up to that top.
The peak that I am starring at from the bottom now is giving. Giving of everything that I am for the sake of love. Giving up and letting go for a season of loving that will only happen this once for this time in life. Giving my all for people and for the future of Shiloh. I am faced with my lack and inability. Like every new mother I feel inadequate and helpless. I am stunned by the insufficient of my education in nursing when it comes to the emotional strain that lack of sleep and frustration can bring. Shiloh is amazing and doesn't cry that much and sleeps pretty good, but I find it very hard to sleep during the day and there is always a million things to do when she is asleep. I want to give her everything that I can in love, in spiritual maturity, & in care. I know that I am going to peak this mountain like the others, but I also know that in the climb many things in my backpack will have to be sacrificed as I carry myself and Shiloh up this summit. Things like pride, selfish ambition, my own desires for the good of her, and vanity. These things that I think are not in my pack, but are right in the top of my bag. If those are in the top portion of my backpack, then what is in the bottom that weighs so much? Oh my soul...one thing at a time. Jesus knows that if He were to reveal all the things that I carry around with me, thinking that they are supplies, that I would turn around and just jump off the mountain. Now with Shiloh strapped to my chest (nearest to my heart) there is no other option but to make it to the top. No matter the cost I must make it to the top. It is at the top that I can rest and get my strength. It is at the top of the mountain that I an refreshed from the climb and can celebrate a little. Some peoples waste lands, their personal wildernesses are flat and hot places. Others it is a deadly forest with dangers lurking behind every tree. For me now it is a steep mountain range with jagged rocks and long falls looming over the edge. I am roped into Jesus for only He knows the best ways up the mountain. So right now I am setting up my base camp. I am preparing my gear , love. patience, long suffering in joy, gentleness...to carry me through and emptying my bag of the things that would hinder.
I am grateful for Shiloh's company on the journey. I am learning that all those hidden places come with hidden treasures. The unmeasurable wealth of surrender and revelation. To empty myself of false paradigms and false expectations and to grab hold of reality in Jesus. To become more like Christ. Father of Glory give to me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation. I have prayed that prayer a thousand times and yet now more than ever my heart feels its desire. God I need your wisdom and revelation to guide me on this journey. More is at stake than my wants and my petty moaning. Come God, give to me the jewels of your revelation.