I didn't write before hand about my busy schedule this weekend because I wanted to be able to write a stellar report or not write about it at all. I had three baby showers to go to this weekend. Two on Saturday and then one on Sunday. That isn't so bad right? Nay, except that I RSVP'd that I would have a little guest with me to all of them. Yup, me and little Ms. Cooper were supposed to go to these baby showers together. She stood me up. Can you believe it. Of course 50 people at each shower, individually wanted to know "when are you getting your baby". I am trying to spice up the answers like "oh you know when she comes popping out" or "well if she would ever decide to come and live with us instead of in Kansas." But really mostly I just say "whenever she is born". Then it comes in about 2 seconds flat..."she isn't born yet?" NOPE! is my immediate answer.
Saturday was a cloudy day when I set out for my first baby shower. I had just sat in the prayer room for about two hours. During that time the Lord did some serious work on my heart. It was intense. Laura Hackett was leading and that was just great in itself(if you have the "expensive" web cast you should go back to 9/6/08 , 8am and check it out). Basically God gave me an incredible meditation that has realigned my heart for the season that I am in. For those of you who don't know, I have this weird thing where I see in the spirit very vividly during meditations of Jesus. This meditation I was cresting a huge mountain peak and I was so excited. I was like "yes, my season of confronting my barrenness and this hole in my heart is over. This baby is my ticket out of here". When I peaked the mountain I was dismayed at what I saw. It was the longest mountain range with tons of snow capped peaks. Like staring at the Himalaya's from the first peak. I just fell on my butt and began to weep." NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! "Jesus then came and sat beside me and just waited a little bit while I whined about how hard it has been and how I am so done. Then He interjected and said that I was not done, but just beginning and that my daughter would be my companion on this journey. Because she would need to know how to climb the difficult peaks. Even now as I write I want to cry. Just knowing that she will face "looking at the hole in her heart" kills me. I told Jesus that I didn't want to climb anymore and that I couldn't make it. At that time I looked down and I had our daughter in a sling around my chest and Jesus took my hand and started to lead me. I am bawling at this point in the prayer room and I am sure that some people thought I might need some counseling.
As Jesus was leading me through the snow and wind I just said I cannot go any further so He led me into a cave in the rocks. (At this point Laura and the team were singing about the cleft in the rock and trusting Jesus. How He leads us to the fountain of living water.) So I am in the cave and so thirsty. Jesus ask me why I don't trust him.( I am crying harder now). I said I do, but I can't go on. He shows me where there is a little spring of fresh water in the cave and I get a drink. As I sat next to him He asked me again "why I don't trust Me". Then He says I don't trust Him because I think He was not there when I needed Him the most? I was then instantly taken to my childhood. Several instances in my life where my little heart was crushed by abuse both physical & emotional abuse. While being in each instance Jesus was showing me how He was there even though I didn't think he was. He took me to a certain instance and showed me how that was the moment self hate entered into my heart. I saw everything so vivid as if I was a spectator at a game. I cried out "why didn't you stop him?" several times. Then Jesus whispers "I did". I said "no you didn't, you were not there. Why didn't you stop him?" Then Jesus showed me where He put His hand up and stopped the fullness of what was intended for me. He said "the full wickedness towards you was not manifest". I just broke at that point. I realized that not just in that instance but many the fullness of evil was held back on my behalf. So many times that Jesus has saved my life literally. Jesus took me in his arms and held me. We were back in the cave at that point and He just held me as I cried. Then He picked me up and sat me in the Fathers lap. The Father put His hand to my chest and peace like a blanket covered me. It was so intense and there was so much more, but something was unlocked in my heart and dealt with.
At the beginning of the meditation when I was whining Jesus told me that my heart was a perfect set up for depression.I have placed false expectations in my sight as "God's will" & when they didn't happen that way, that I would have sunk into a low spot for sure. If I didn't prepare myself to continue on this journey, that I was going to be a perfect set-up for postpartum depression. That was the snake in the dream trying to kill me. I had a choice, a foreknowledge and I could change the outcome. If I would rearrange my heart to agree with His truth, that I would have the grace and strength to go on. Wow! By the time I left IHOP I felt free from the whole thing, and a renewed sense of grace.
So to continue with the weekend, I did OK on Saturday but today's shower was a blast and I can feel a difference in my heart. I am still in the Himalaya's of barrenness spiritually, emotionally, and physically. There is still more to dig up, to up root and to re-plant with God's truth. Maybe I will write someday of my experience. Maybe other women have faced such things and it would inspire them to stay on the journey. First I must stay the course, but not by power, not by might, but only by His spirit! Who would have thought our "quick little adoption" would have started us on a journey like this. That in this I was getting a companion for the journey instead of and air lift out. It will be interesting to look back five years from now to see the mountains from the otherside of the range.
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