The Last Few Days

For those of you probably wondering about news on our little princess, I don't have much in the line of new...news. I spoke to our case worker today to find out when we would be receiving the ultrasound pictures. As soon as she gets them, we will get them. She is also going to be putting us in contact again with our birth mother, which is a great thing. We will be able to talk to her about how she is doing, the doctors visits, hopefully get a little info on her last baby to maybe compare and get a little more clarity on when our baby is due. I want to keep connected with her and not just show up the day of and wait with open arms. So hopefully this week we will have another phone call. We are still working on names, however I think that they will be under wraps for a while when we do decide.

My heart is overwhelmed with all types of emotions and thoughts. God has let me feel deep sorrows over the state of my heart, my illness, and my loss concerning the past 11 years. I feel that I needed to feel those things to know the intense joy that will come with this baby. I am still ill and my body reminded me of that this past week. I told Steven the other day that I was scared that I might now be able to take care of the baby sometimes because of my pain. He of course told me that he would be there. How true, but sad that I wont always feel like holding my precious little one. I am still standing and contending for full healing on my body.

God has also let me feel a little of the sorrow of the day that our daughter will be born. Don't get me wrong... that day will be the most amazing of our lives thus far, but there is another element to think about. For a week straight all I could think of was our birth mothers pain in labor and then the pain of handing the baby she just birthed off. Now, I understand that she is detached from the pregnancy, but she is still a woman and birth is supernatural. There are emotions whether one wants them or not. If the circumstances were different would we be getting this little girl...I doubt it. This is a story of love broken and a chance for life for all involved. It broke my heart to feel the loss, sadness, and emptiness that our birth mother will have to over come.She is a smart young woman with two small kids and a whole world of uncertainty around her. I prayed for her that her time of mourning would be short and that God would comfort her.Thinking of things through this lens gave me a wealth of insight in to the heart of God in so many arenas. He is a Father, who gave up His Son, who then in turn laid down His life for ours. There is a dimension of love there that I have not even begun to fathom. There is something to laying down ones life and dreams. Pray for our birth mother... she isn't a bad person, she is brave and giving this baby a chance at a life she cannot give. That is a hard and weighty decision

The next week I was given the freedom from sorrow into joy when I began to feel the awesome emotions of expectancy. It washed over me like waves and culminated on the night that we found out our "it" was a "she". I cannot tell you what an excitement and joy that filled my soul. Tears rolled down my face as the case worker told me that we were having a girl and all I wanted to do was to call Steven and our families to tell the them great news. I wanted to go out and buy tons of girlie stuff and couldn't stop folding the few things that I did get as I thought of holding our little girl. This is the strangest thing...I can hardly comprehend my emotions. I am totally smitten with a little girl that I have never met and find myself thinking about her and praying for her all the time. Love for this little princess is building an island in my heart, and I think that I will call it paradise. :-)

Emotions are like the sand dunes in the desert or like waves in the ocean. They roll and toss and none are the same as the one before. They shape us and form us into the person that we ultimately become and for a lifetime they alter us in various ways. My prayer is that I will become a person who can ride these waves with grace instead of fear and with strength instead of falling apart. I feel that I am on that journey and with the help of God will come out a whole new person.