Finally, We Have Contact!

I haven't written in the last week simply due to the fact that my frustration levels were at an all time high. I am sure that frustration added to two weeks into a 40 day fast wasn't the best combination but what can you do? I love how the Lord takes us to the edge of our limits and says "see here, this is where we are going to build the bridge of patience and endurance". You are thinking to yourselve "what are we going to build this bridge out of, I have run out of grace". Thankfully that is when He empties another bucket of grace into your soul and you can go on. I go into the prayer room and God speaks to me through the worship or the word and I get grounded again. I always am amazed at how far from faith I can get in a short amount of time. Will I ever grow out of this?
"This momentary light affliction" I have decided has become my motto. That and I am thinking about getting "count it all joy when you fall into various trials" tatooed on my forearm. If I would have acted on every impulse and called our case worker every time we thought about it, I would have been convicted of stalking. However I reserved some self control and prayed during most of my urges and limited myself to calling her everyday and , then after week one of nothing, twice a day.(crazy huh!) All we wanted was to know our birth mothers phone number(which she agreed to disclose for communication), the due date, and is the baby healthy. For two weeks I asked these questions and for two weeks had recieved no information. Finally this last Friday at 6pm I got a hold of our case worker and got our birth mothers phone number.(Thank You GOD!) I tried to call it with in that same hour and it didn't work.(Crap!) :- {

Now you cannot imagine,(or maybe mothers can) all the thoughts that have been racing through my head the last two weeks of trying to be kind but persistant to get this information. Everything from something is wrong with the baby and she's afraid to tell us, our birth mother has backed out, or something is wrong with the birth father not wanting to sign the consent. A million more thoughts and of course the enemy uses it as a torture tool in my dreams and now with the phone number not working my nerves and emotions are raw. "What if this is a cruel test from heaven to see how far I would go...like Job... and still worship God". I was starting to feel that if this didn't work out that I was just going to give up. Maybe this is the will of God for us. "He gives and He takes away". I know that sounds rediculous, but that is where my mind was wondering. My prayers were steady with "God this is my little girl, please protect her and bless our birth mother today". But the mind is a terrible terrain of raging wars between what we believe and what we feel. My mind has plagued me with negativity that I tend to give into with not much of a fight. I tend to resign to the worst and hope to be proven wrong. I know that it may not seem like much to cry over, but our hearts are knit with this little girl and Steven and I are so longing to hold her in our arms that the silence was killing us on the inside. We talk about her and also pray for our birth mother in a focused way daily. We were feeling so uncomfortable with the seeming unresponsiveness to our inquiries and frustrations that we felt a little crazy. Our baby was "due" in about a month and we had no information, or even the assurance that everything was still a go.

Anyways...

Well long story short, today I tried the number again (before I would dial our case worker to express my frustration and irritation) and the phone number worked. The same number that I had dialed the other day was now ringing and I was asking the Lord for the words from His heart and for a female voice to answer the phone. It was Danielle on the other line and we had contact with our baby! I asked her how she was feeling, how were her children and everything that is going on with her. We talked about the doctors visit and the ultrasound. We talked a little about her previous pregnancy to gain reference and then about the due date. Then I passed the phone to Steven to say hello and she asked a couple of questions that really put our minds at ease and we hope hers as well.

Going into this situation Danielle had already experienced an adoptive family backing out on her and she was nervous that it would happen again and she is not prepared to parent this child. So as I have been trying to get in touch with her through our case worker this has been pressing in the back of my mind. I would pray "O Lord let her know in her heart that we are still here". I sent a couple of emails to our case worker to tell Danielle that we are still here and hoped to contact her soon. So while talking to Steven she asked "so are you excited?" She hadn't asked me that, however the fact that I was asking so many questions probably answered that. Steven's little heart is melting for this little girl, however he isn't a huge emotion "showman". He said " yes, I am very excited. I can't wait to sit in our living room and hold her". He is truly ready for this little princess and he told her how he had grown up with only boys and is ready for a little girl. She said the husband of the previous family wasn't that excited, & I think that bothered her. So I hope these answers help her feel more reassured. It let us know that she is still a little timid, however I feel she is still committed to us.

I just feel more at ease if you will, having talked to Danielle. My heart is turning into this sea of affection for this little girl and the motherly instincts are becoming more real than ever. I hope I can contain them to a reasonable level so as to appear sane for the remainder of this process. I am so thankful to Danielle for choosing LIFE. She is pregnant in the middle of summer with two children under that age of 2 yrs, with very little physical support from anyone. She is undergoing huge life changes and hanging in there despite being exhausted. I am so thankful that though she knows this child isn't staying with her she is resting and taking care of herself. I am SO THANKFUL TO GOD FOR KEEPING THEM BOTH.

A few prayer request: During her last ultrasound the baby was really small. According to her cycle Danielle should be due around August 17th, however according to the measurments the baby is due late Aug. - early Sept. Danielle says that her last pregnancy was the same, where the baby was really small until the last month and the she gained weight. (6 1/2 lbs at birth) The doctor says that everything looks fine except her weight. They estimated that our little girl is only 2 1/2 lbs. Danielle is scheduled for another ultrasound for Aug. 19th (if the baby doesn't come before then) to make sure that the baby is gaining weight and that nothing is wrong. Danielle has said that she would like me to come to this ultrasound and I am looking forward to meeting her face to face.
PLEASE PRAY>>>>for our little princess to put on some pounds!!! We want her to gain some weight and for all of her organ systems to form perfectly!
Also pray for strength and grace for Danielle as she finished out this last month of pregnancy.