Feeling Intimacy in Weakness

In my time in the prayer room if there is one thing that I have learned it is that you can have a sense of being with God without really being with God. what do I mean? We can be in the church building, the prayer room and sing the songs without engaging our hearts. We can read the word and journal our thoughts and not lock in on the holy spirit within. We can even pray in tongues and be thinking about what we are going to get at WalMart. Now that I am in my home more that anywhere else I am learning that if the former is the case then the opposite is true as well. We can be scrubbing the bath tub, washing the laundry, and changing a dirty diaper and be connected to God. We can be shopping and praying in the spirit with real inspiration in our soul. It isn't the place it is the person. It isn't the song, it is the adoration.

Some days I look at my life and feel overwhelmed and close to tears. I, like Paul, was a chief among sinners. Saved through a holy encounter and set on a course. Unlike Paul I have not written great works that inspire generations, but I feel that I have written and said things that have touched the heart of God none the less. Our journals are places that we lay our soul bare. Places where like David we give God a piece of our minds, yet always coming back to the truth that "though you slay me, yet I will praise". Some days I have a Malachi cry..."I have loved you,” says the LORD. “ Yet you say, ‘In what way have You loved us?’ I feel like the world is crashing in and I am lost. I cannot feel His nearness and I cannot seem to get up and try. Today was one of those days as I struggled physically and was sorrowful in my heart that holding Shiloh was physically hurting. How could I explain to this perfect little angel that mommy cannot even stand because the pain is too great. "How have you loved me when I am still like this Lord?" But I know the truth and my heart goes back to its reality. He has loved me through the pain and in the pain I join Him in suffering to see the other side, which is Is 53 manifest in my frame.

I often scold myself for my lack of diligence and effort in maintaining the same determination that I showed in my times with the Lord before I had a child. The verse..‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’says the LORD. " will resound in my mind and I will fault myself and brand my inner man as lazy. Beating myself up for not maintaining a season that is past and not finding that same drive in its manifestation in this new season is a lost cause in my book. I am who I am in this time and I am what He says that I am. He is always the same no matter where I am. For me the tiny little kisses and the small meditations feel like tidal waves that wash over me. Today as Shiloh was drifting into her nap I recited who Jesus was. How he came ,loved us, and died. How he was resurrected and would come again. Oh how he loved us. I found myself looking into her peaceful sleeping face and realized that I was talking to God more than to her. Reciting the beauty of Jesus and my heart swelled.
It is His name and the complex simplicity of His love that woos me. Though it is a conflict of words it is truth. His love is so simple yet the depth and process of manifesting it is complicated. He being in fullness and glory came and entered into our frame and our fellowship forever. WHAT!!! He served the lowly and fed the poor. He suffered more that any and was hung on a cursed tree. After three days he in full resurrection walked among us for 40 days and once again ascended to travail till His final return. It is complex and simple.
Here are two verses that stir me and I am trying to find them in the everyday things that I do.
Blessings
Song of Solomon 1:3
3 Because of the fragrance of your good ointments, Your name is ointment poured forth; Therefore the virgins love you.
John 12:3
3 Then Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil.