Still Tracking?

I hope that for those of you who are tracking with our story haven't quit praying. We are still contending for this situation and I am still in the process of weeding my heart from years of self hatred and repressed emotions about my health and infertility. It is a hard thing, this journey through a barren wilderness with the faintest glimpses of His presence sustaining me. I am confident that we are on this journey together and that He is the one on whom I will be leaning when we are through.

Today in the prayer room as the 10am-12pm set began I was thinking about the question that I have been asked everyday, five times a day since being matched to our baby. "Are you excited?" Well let me answer that question in the best and most honest way possible for all my readers that love my transparency. Yes!! I am very excited about the fact that we were chosen above many others and our birth mother felt a connection in her heart that led her to choose us. God is doing so much in our hearts as well as hers and though she wants no contact I am hoping for a supernatural thing to take place. I am thrilled at the opportunity to be mother, to raise a child before the Lord in the place of night and day prayer. I am amazed at how one day I was without child and today I am an expectant mother. It is thrilling and surreal all at the same time. I have been overwhelmed with love in my heart for my unborn baby even though I am not carrying my baby in my womb. I am connected heart, mind, and soul...it is truly a miracle.

However, I am still waiting on the Lord in bitter anguish in my soul for Him to come and make this personal. One on One in the place of prayer and contending. Though my heart has a hope in the expectancy, I am still standing in the pool of barrenness awaiting my Savior to rescue me. I cannot fully explain what I feel because it is a mixed bag of emotions. I have been non-stop thinking of baby names and colors, and fun things to do with our nursery. I have been anticipating the look on my dads face as he holds his first grand baby. But my heart is still locked into seeing my God do what He promised. I have been filled with the fear of not being able to take care of my infant in the times of intense pain as my physical body goes through cycles of debilitating unrest. It makes me furious to think that I will continue on in my physical torment, the only difference being that I will have a child to tend to as well. My emotions are raw and hard to swallow but real and painful.

As the 10am-12pm continued a lovely sense of joy came over the worship and we celebrated God. As we sang and did the charismatic hop scotch the meeting took a shift from celebrating to contending for the sick in the room. A natural shift to be sure, however I remained sitting not really wanting to be congregated around and prayed for. I did raise my hand for prayer almost hoping no one would see me. A young lady did and as she was praying I thought of my friend Jack Hill sitting behind me in his wheel chair. The young girl prayed for healing and then said that she had a word for me. It resemble a word that has been spoken over me before in other places and is dear to my heart. She said that I had been in a season of drought but not just for a few months but for several years. {So far so good, she's tracking with me}. Then she said that the Lord knows that place and that there is coming a season of joy for me unparalleled. That I would be one who carried joy around and gave it out. I was encouraged because that is something time and time again that is spoken over me and I am eagerly waiting to see it revealed. My middle name is Joy so in a sense I carry around joy everyday. A partial fulfillment if you will. But the day when my drought on the inside is over and joy would abound not only in my own heart but also to others....that is a day I anticipate and long for.

So as she left I sat there enjoying the tangible sense of the nearness of God. To bask in the presence of Holy Spirit as He moves through the room is refreshing. I turned around to see many gathered around my friend Jack. I went over and joined in the prayers for him. I have been in many settings praying for his restoration over the years since being here in K.C. Like me Jack is longing for the day when God comes down and makes His word personal in Jack's body. As a young man he was injured in an accident involving a 4 wheeler. A genius with computers and indispensable to the IHOP missions base Jack is the subject of many platform prayers for healing. You would think that would be wonderful, and it is but it also can lead to disappointment and anguish. Time and time again, year after year of being prayed for and never seeing breakthrough. Oh God when will you come and make your name know and your power manifest in our bodies. People going to Lakeland and other revival centers hoping for a miracle are desperate for that very thing. It is up to God's mercy and timing whether they come back with their prayers answered. I know two people who went to Lakeland. One was radically healed of a painful chronic condition and the other came home as she left.("Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy"Proverbs 14:10)

So when is the time for the restoration of bodies long tormented by sickness and the hounds of hell to come??? "No one knows what is coming— who can tell him what will happen after him?" Eccl. 10:14 ; "In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God." 1 Cor.2:11 I do not know when, I do not pretend to know whether in this life or only in the age to come, however I know that I find comfort in the arms of Jesus and I lean on Him to be made perfect in my weakness. For Jack and I we wait, longing, holding back despair with faith and contending for the impossible to come.