Haiti 2013: Slowly Processing

  Several people over the course of the last week have asked me "how was your trip?" I know that they deserve more than "oh it was good", or " really great", but how do you summarize 10 days of sweat, tears, and a lot of mangos? I worked right up until my trip then came home and worked the very next day after arriving back. Then I drove 4 hrs to camp with my family and about 15 other people. It really left little time for me to stop, think, and really process through what I had just experienced. So I decided that over the next couple of days that I would blog and process through the days of my trip. This would give you the answers you deserve and serve as a release valve for me. This trip was so amazing and yet was so challenging for me that I really do need to sit down and not let it get filed away in the recesses of my memory. Before I start down memory lane though, I want to start off by saying that I am so grateful to everyone who gave towards this trip, it was a well invested endeavor for sure!

Anytime that you embark on a mission trip of any sort there is always preparation work before you set foot in another country. I know that in preparing for a trip to Haiti that there will be team meetings, fundraisers, supply gathering, packing, lots of emails, and lots of prayer. However for this trip, I realized that the last time I went to Haiti my child was younger, I was working a totally different job, and I was a few years younger.  All that combined was a bit of a challenge for me and for my team I would venture to say. I learned some valuable lessons on time management, delegation, and how to work gmail. :-) I was again so blessed and embraced by my family and friends from all over with love, financial support, supplies, and loads of prayer covering. Without this I would never have gone to Haiti, or been apart of a team that impacted so many lives. My team was composed of people from many states and very different backgrounds. There were three from Montana, two from Chicago, one from Detroit, and 7 from the KC area. The medical portion of the team was all from KC except for the Dr, who was one of the members from Montana. She came along with her twin 19 year old daughters who were amazing all on their own. This team was a blast and also jumped into action at the drop of a hat. Their were several times that I had to delegate a task to one or two and when I came back, they were all working together as a team to get it done. It was truly amazing!

Before we even left for Haiti we were being introduced and challenged by our first patient. We received a text picture of an ulcerated leg. It looked horrible and I was thinking in my mind, I am not so sure about this. Then we were told that the patient was a 14 yr old girl, distantly related to one of our team members who was haitian, and had been seen by Dr's in Haiti with no results. They were told that it was flesh eating bacteria and could we help? "Umm....No you didn't"....that is what I was thinking. Flesh eating bacteria is no joke and isn't something that can be taken care of by a mere oral antibiotic. I along with other members of my team looked over the picture and decided that we would assess the situation when we got there to see what we would be able to do. This is not the first time that I have been a part of treating a serious condition in Haiti, but Necrotising Fasciitis was a whole other situation. 

So first day in Haiti, we land, make it through customs without any of our medical supplies confiscated  and head to our compound. (The Haitian authorities did open several of our bags, but God had his hand on us and they didn't go snooping too intently) The ride to the compound was an eye opener to many on our team who had never been on a missions trip before, but my stomach was a little in knots about seeing our first patient that night. We settled into our housing, then the team started unpacking our medical supplies and re-packing them for our clinic the next day. I have learned over the years of doing medical clinics that when you pack, you can't put all your eggs in one basket if you know what I mean. Multiple factors play into this, 1) weight issues...some supplies weigh more and each bag cannot exceed 50 lbs. So you have to distribute the weight evenly in each bag. 2) Pack the things that you can't live without on the bottom of the bags and the stuff you don't mind losing on the top. That way when a customs officer opens a bag, your bag of suckers gets taken not your bottle of Amoxicillin capsule. So thus the reason that we have to unpack the medical bags and re-pack. So as we were waiting for our young patient to arrive, we unpacked and James and I went up the mountain to assess the first clinic site.

Now James Adams and I have gone to Haiti together several times now and I feel that we work well together. There isn't many situations where I question whether we can manage to get the job done. However when we were going up the mountain to get to the clinic site, I was starting to wonder if this would be one of those unmanageable situations. For starters, we were traveling on a motorcycle up the mountain, because trucks cannot make it up there well. Problem #1...how are the people and bags going to get there?  Problem #2 Some of our team members may not fare well on the terrain. When I say terrain I mean, when the motorcycle driver stopped and told us that we had to walk the rest of the way because his bike wouldn't make it. So James and I started walking up what seemed to me to be a straight up accent on a rocky mountainside  I will not lie, I was huffing and puffing. So half way up this slope, James tells me to take the second path to my right. "Say what?" Yup, that small, narrow path up the uncharted landscape of the mountain...that was our trail. Oh now I knew that this clinic was going to push the boundaries and physical capacity of our team. If I was huffing and puffing I was concerned about my team. Having grown up on the mission field with my mom and also being in YWAM I had been to some crazy locations, but this one was up there on my list. However I felt in my heart that we needed to give it a try because the people on the mountain side needed care and James told them that we were coming. So we surveyed the area that was going to be our clinic. It was literally a piece of land sticking out of the side of a cliff with only poles and tarps as walls, separating you from the edge. Okie Dokie...this is going to be interesting! We looked and discussed all the options. Safety for our team and for the participants was first on the list and also covering, water, and where were all these people going to go. After getting our plan together, we discussed our needs with the local pastor and he set to work getting our site ready for the next day. I wont lie, it was going to be a doozy, but I knew that I wasn't asking my team to do something that was impossible or that I wasn't willing to do myself, so I thought that we were good to go.

James and I returned to the compound and I met our first patient. She was a very cute 14 year old Haitian girl with a smile that would light up the night sky, and a shy demeanor.  Her dad had come with her and was also shy, but you could tell that he was praying that we could help his daughter. I had told my team that when they arrived to make the feel welcome and also to start preparing to assess her and get some treatment stuff together. You would have never known that this girl had a severe, life threatening infection to her leg the way that she carried herself. I am always amazed in other countries at the fortitude of the people who are sick and struggling. Here in the states a 14 year old would have already died if not from the infection, then from the lack of will to survive. In Haiti, struggle is a way of life. You just go on. You have a leg injury, ok....lets alter your pant leg with a zipper so you can get your pants on and off. It was amazing! 
So with my interpreter and my amazing nurses at hand, we took this young girl and her dad to a room and I was literally holding my breath. What was I going to see when she lifted up her pant leg. To my surprise, it wasn't as bad as I thought. Now when I say that it wasn't as "bad", let me put reference. It wasn't flesh eating bacteria for starters, but it was definitely in need of antibiotics. In the states this wound would need several surgical debridements and reconstruction, not to mention a long hospital stay with three times a day IV antibiotics as well as on going home health visits after discharge. There was a previously infected area closer to her knee that was scared over and firm, but there were 5 open ulcers that were pus filled and in serious need of treatment. I knew that once we started on this, there was no going back. I will have to say that one of the nurses in particular felt very strongly to proceed and because of her encouragement along with the Holy Spirit I felt like we at least needed to try to help this girl. My nurse friend Robyn really led the charge on treating this young girl and woke up early every morning to make sure that this girl got her IV antibiotics before we left for our day. She was very selfless and caring over this girl and I feel that God sent Robyn to Haiti to be this young ones angel. The picture below shows a couple of pictures of the leg, me starting the debridement on the leg, and my other nurse friend, Christina with this young girl. I will say that as we treated this girl, the God story that came about was truly enough for me to have gone to Haiti. We were blessed to have the right IV antibiotics, surgical and dressing supplies, as well as the medical knowledge to help her. Was it ideal, no....I mean we were shooing away flies from the wounds as we dressed them, but if we had not helped, this girl would have eventually lost her leg, or her life, and a family would have been shattered. 

Instead, her leg is now getting better, the mom and dad's marriage is being restored, and the love of Jesus was made known to this family. The dad told us on the second night that because of this infection and the Haitian doctors inability to treat it, that his wife had stopped speaking to him, and they were not sleeping in the same room. (the doctors had just given her Vitamin B drops and one Dr. gave her a dose of amoxicillin for it. That is not the right type of antibiotic for a skin infection. This is common in Haiti unfortunately) They had spent a fortune on doctors and this poor girl was in pain and had started to withdraw from people. No one was laughing or smiling anymore. After the second night of treatment the medication and debridements were starting to show real signs that we were on the right track. That news totally opened up the door for this family. The next day the mom came to the compound for the treatment. She was smiling and hugging all of us. By the end of the time there, these two distant people were smiling, laughing and working together doing the dressing changes themselves. It was truly amazing. We all felt the atmosphere changing around them as they saw hope again. It was tangible and I cannot express the gratitude of this family to you. 

The last night at the compound, this young girl handed out bracelets to some of our team. I thought, wow that was really sweet and costly for her. Then myself and the other nurses were asked to come into the dining hall. There stood this young girl's parents with a bag. They hugged us all and told us that they wanted to give us a token of love and appreciation  All the previous week the dad had been watching our feet as we walked and as we worked on his daughter. Then he went out and spent what little money he has on shoes for us. He bought all 5 of our medical team Haitian made leather sandals. I was beyond humbled and blessed by this. I along with the rest cried and hugged their necks. This was a serious jester of love and thanks that was costly and so tender. It truly was a symbol of the transformation of this family and reminded me of the verse in Romans 10 that says, " How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, who bring glad tidings of good news". We didn't do anything super amazing, we just used the skills and talents that God had given us, and showed the love of God to people in need. I would say that summarizes a lot of what we do in Haiti. We are not building 100 new homes or handing out $100 dollar bills, but we are using what we have to touch and bless people, all while trying to show the Love that has been given to us freely to others who are hurting and in need. So that is the beginning of my unraveling this trip to Haiti for you and also for myself. I will continue to capture the highlights of each day for you and I hope that you will be blessed, inspired, thankful, and maybe you will want to join me sometime!

Our last night with  this amazing family. We are all sporting our new sandals!

 

Where's Waldo?

Ever check out a Where's Waldo book from the library only to be totally frustrated with the fact that you can't find that dang guy? I admit I am not that great at spotting that red and white striped man amidst the overstimulating background. It might be my ADD or just the fact that if it doesn't come to me I turn the page and count the last one as a loss. :-) I think that is my personality sometimes. I tend to move on to the next thing before I fully process what I couldn't grasp with the last. Don't dwell on the negative... it will only bog you down .Call it my coping mechanism or just my way of not getting emotionally involved. It can be a strength, but it can also be a weakness. A lot of people have been asking me lately if we are still adopting, or where we are in the process. My answer is standard...we are still in it to win it! Well the truth is I am still looking for Waldo and just need to turn the page.

Life is funny and I have always thought that the saying "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" was a good outlook. Well now I think that I want a juicer to make it easier. Anything to take the pain out of squeezing every lemon to get the last drop to make 1/2 a glass of sour lemonade. I know that sounds dramatic but this is my blog post and I will cry if I want to...cry if I want to.:-) Ok.... Many of you know that in August of 2012 Steven and I were matched with a baby girl that was then born on November 1st. She was beautiful, but due to circumstances she return home to her bio-mom on November 6th. You can read the post below to find out more details. I can tell you that in my heart I still believe that it was the will of God that she was to be our daughter. However, the will of God is still subject to the will of sinful men and it just cannot be so. He cannot force us to always make righteous choices for happily ever after endings.

In trying to recover from the trauma of that event and also finding some fairly serious health concerns and having subsequent surgeries to remedy them, I can say that I still feel a little like I am trying to find Waldo. For a couple of months afterwards I didn't want to adopt anymore. I was hurt and couldn't lick a wound that runs deeper than a failed adoption, but that runs a long 11 year struggle with infertility as well as the grueling task of two adoption and one very heart breaking failure. I was in my heart resigned to happily be the mother of one very bright, beautiful daughter whose light brightens our home and fills our hearts. I also was resigned that I wasn't going to be able to put my heart out in the open again if I was going to survive and be a good mother to Shiloh. However, there is a longing in my heart and a promise in my spirit that God is going to redeem the ashes and healing will spring forth like a garden in the desert. ( Isaiah 51:3) I want to turn the page and start looking again. In my heart I want 10 kids both biological and adopted. I want to push past the pain and hope in the promise with an unoffended heart, so that when that day comes I will sing like Hannah as she carried Samuel in her womb. That is my greatest desire!

 I don't really like to talk a lot about my struggle, but prefer to hold my head up and work to keep my heart unoffended and alive. Maybe that is because I know that people watch me to see how I will react. Maybe it is because I don't want my friends to be afraid to tell me that they are pregnant or to invite me to baby showers. It cannot be easy looking on from the outside of my struggle as my friend. What do you say? How do you tell me these joyful events when you also feel in your heart some pain at my journey? I love you friends and I thank you for your love, support, and prayers through the years. I think that you have all done so wonderful in making me feel special and loved throughout my journey as well as your own. I may have days and even weeks where I recluse myself a little as a wave of sorrow or longing washes over me. It comes and goes just like this crazy Missouri weather. One day I am happy and singing in the shower, the next it is 40 degrees and overcast in my heart. I cannot explain it, but I know how to walk through it. Bitterness is a root that grows up, but will also grow much deeper  under the surface if you let it. Time, prayer, and remembering the promise are my weed and feed solutions!

So where are we in the process.... Where is Waldo???  :-) Just kidding. Our home study expired so we are finishing up the necessary steps to updating it. We have been offered a couple of situations, but didn't feel peace about them due to the heavy risk they presented. I think that though we are in it to win it, we are also cautious to enter into a situation where there is so much in the air this time around. Call me crazy but my heart can only take so much. YES we still need finances (we lost about $1500 in the last attempt), NO I didn't get my puppy to fill the void ( he is just so dang adorable how could I resist), YES I am going to Haiti  (it makes my heart alive), and NO it isn't to take my mind off the adoption. :-) I hope that you read this with understanding and know that your friendship and partnerships are going to culminate in bringing home baby Cooper #2, and don't be afraid to ask. It takes a village for many things, and I for one am glad that I have friends to help me keep looking for that red and white stripes in this very confusing and overstimulating world.

Blessings

Learning to Lean

Someone once said, "There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations." I saw this quote and grinned as I pinning it in my mind. In the last week, I feel as though I have run a marathon with love and loss and I find myself panting for breath. I don't compare my present circumstances equal to severe losses, but a loss all the same. When Steven and I set out on our first adoption words cannot describe how utterly scared and how naive we were. Neither one of us really knew what we were getting into, or what was in store, but we knew what we wanted more than anything, and that was to be parents. Once they put Shiloh into our arms the tears started to roll down our faces and it hit us like a ton of bricks. It was a deeper love than I had ever felt in my life and it was as if everything around me was moving in slow motion. All that stood between me and this dream's fulfillment was a clock...12 hrs till the legal papers were signed and this angel was mine.  Fast forward 4 years and again our hearts burn to have another child. We set out once again through the labyrinth of paper work and case worker visits to get approved to have another child. In this process those are mere hurtles that must be assailed to get to the hardest part of adoption....waiting. I have learned this week that there is more to the waiting than seeing when a baby is born and papers are signed. I am writing this to process and for some it will be filling in the gaps of a story that we had hoped would end a different way.

This adoption started out as any other and we were matched in August with a baby girl. The agency was a familiar one and we felt that with the information that was given us we should proceed. Communication started shortly after and with our first meeting things seems well. You are always a little nervous and even skeptical  but as you begin to get to know the birth mother and all involved you become connected. About a month ago communication with our birth mother came to a screeching halt. No warning or reason, but after about a week she picked back up and we felt as though God was orchestrating things. Little did we know of the tensions that were brewing. About two weeks ago we met with our birth mother and asked some questions that had been lingering in our hearts and wanted to know why certain things were not figured out yet. Something in us just needed some straight answers. We were given answers and reassured. Last Wednesday we got a call that our birth mother was being induced and to get ready. We prepared and as planned when the baby was born we took primary care of the baby. In adoptions many times the birth mother's who are "100%" about their decisions, often ask the adoptive parents to name the baby and to care for them in the hospital when it is available to do so. In our situation it was no different. However it became clear very early on that with the baby's hair color and beautiful features that there would be an issue with the birth father. We knew that there was a risk with this. No adoption is 100% risk free.  When pursuing this adoption the birth mother kept assuring us that she was almost positive that the birth father was the one that was willing to sign. So I admit that it was a shock to hear otherwise. But with the birth mother's family also thinking that it was the other birth father there was little to do at that point but figure out where to go next. I cried as I held this beautiful little baby. Hoping and praying that there would be a way to still take her home, but also starting to prepare my heart for it not to happen. Through many different discussions the decision to bring in the birth father to talk to the birth mother was made. It didn't go well. At that point I felt my stomach sink and started to grieve my loss. Did I not have faith that God can move mountains? Of course, but I also knew of plenty of stories where God had laid out a plan but man chose a different way. After the meeting with the birth father, we went into our birth mother's room with our caseworker. During that time we were told that she had not been completely honest with us and had just hoped there would be a way around all of it. I was hurt, but also felt such empathy for this young girl. She was scared to death and totally naive. After that we got ready to leave. We had made the decision early on (because of the risk) to have the baby put in a foster placement till details were worked out. We didn't want Shiloh to be exposed to pain and possible loss if we could help it. So our case worker took the baby to our friends house for them to foster her and we went home. I was exhausted as any one who has a newborn can attest to. But the next day I went over to the foster home to see the baby. At that point I thought in my heart that this was probably not going to happen, but after bonding with this little one over the past 48 hours, I wanted to see her and hold on to hope. I spent sometime there cuddling and loving on her. In this I am not ashamed. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. John 15:12-14  
I know that some people may think that I was foolish for getting so attached to a baby that I may not be taking home, but I do not. When we are called Christians does it not mean Christ like? Does it mean seek out our own comfort or to comfort others? When I said yes to adoption did I know that I would for sure take home the first baby that came my way? No. But did I sign up to love without reserve, yes. I don't know any other way to love. If I knew how to love half way I wouldn't be married or be a mother, or even be a friend. I think the people that know me the best can attest to this fact. I have no regrets in that I loved while I could.  There in my arms was a tiny babe who had no one to call her own yet. How could I not love and give of myself the very thing that Christ has given me...unconditional love.
Her birth mother didn't want her, others couldn't take her and still other's didn't have the means or rights at the time. All this needed to be worked out. Then there we were. The promise of hope and joy and a bigger family was slowly fading away. All that remained was to love.

So I asked for prayer, for breakthrough, for resolve. I asked for healing for a young heart that was left abandoned. I asked a community that I know cares. Some may not have agreed with the method or the "madness", but it is what it is.
Since Monday, I did lessen my stays with the baby until today when I didn't even hold her. I simple kissed her and caressed her cheek. I prayed a blessing over her and I said good bye. I knew in my heart that it was over, I was just waiting for someone to make it official. You see we were not really free to just walk away. The birth mother's parents were trying to get the birth parents to make decisions. They had hoped it would be in our favor and for that we were honored. We had given them our word and until the birth parents made their decisions we just waited. We didn't plead or beg, we just simply waited. 

In the waiting God once again met us. I had cried because of loosing the what could have been,  I cried because I was reminded of my physical situation and the yearning in my heart. I cried because one minute I was holding a beautiful, perfect baby and the next was having to give her back. Was it painful....yes. Am I sad and hurt, yes. Would we have pursued this adoption had we known all the truths? Probably not, but we did and it was, and now here we are.  I feel so blessed by my friends and family who tirelessly prayed and encouraged me through this. All of your text, emails, and even Facebook comments were timely and appreciated  Even the ones who told me to just walk away, I know their hearts and I am thankful for friends who wanted to protect me. I am thankful for my mom who came at the drop of a hat to serve us and take care of Shiloh. I am thankful that the treasure of my heart, Shiloh, was protected from the pain of loss. I am thankful for a husband who let me walk this out in love and didn't hesitate in loving himself. But I am sooooo thankful to God. Once again. He showed Himself to me in a new way. Once again He came along side of me in pain and led me to the mountain top. I can see the valley below and I know that I walked this journey in His love and strength. I know that I am loved and healed and whole. I know that all His promised over me are "Yes and Amen"! Tomorrow a little baby girl named Nevah (that is what it is changing to) will leave this community and go home. What is in store for her I am not sure. I do know that it will not always be easy, but I pray over her life a spirit of joy and hope. I pray that she will know God and that He will make Himself known to her. I pray for protection and for a peace that cannot be shaken. 
Thank you for partnering in pray over her life. It all mattered to the One that matters the most.
Steven and my desire for another child has not diminished in this. We are still waiting and have now been released to get back on the agencies waiting list to pursue other situations as they come. Our financial loss was small in comparison and we are praying for God's restoration in that and in the fulfillment of our dream.
Thank you...

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.
Proverbs 31:8-9

Isaiah 61
......He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives

If your soul aches, you may be on a journey that will stretch your faith, your understanding of the meaning of life, and your knowledge of God. If you let it, your sorrow will increase your capacity to live well, to love lif

e, and to experience joy, not after the darkness but even in the midst of it.

Jerry Sittser (Author of A Grace Disguised), whose mother, wife and young daughter were killed in a car accident.

Blessings

Drum Roll Please....

So most of our friends and family know but just in case you haven't heard....

WE ARE EXPECTING OUR SECOND BABY!!!!

We are super excited about our little one coming and she will be here sometime around October 25th... so less than 6 weeks! Adoption is one of those things where you are going along waiting and then all of a sudden you get the call and bamm...well a little more is involved then that. :0)

We are not home free yet though and here are some ways you can help:

1) PRAY!! We still need prayers headed up on account of finances and legal issues. There are two potential birth fathers. One is for the adoption and the other is not. I am praying for God to sway hearts and settle everything before we get to court. We honestly don't have the resources to fight in court.

2) Finances, adoption is costly and we are not exactly sure how much it will all cost in the end. If you want to make a tax deductible donation email me at kccountrygal@gmail.com

3) Pray for our little birth mother. She is going to go through one of the most emotional and stressful events of life. She is very sweet, but understands that she isn't ready for a baby.

4) If you like to shop on Amazon.com...you can help our adoption! Anytime that you buy through our link at the top left hand of this blog we will get proceeds that will go to our adoption. Just save this blog on your favorites list, and when you need something off amazon.com just go through us!!!!

Our Little World is Turning

May time has flown since my last post, but C'est la vie. Our little world has continued to rotate and at times I felt that it was spinning out of control. But the axis has held fast and we are finally getting our feet under us!

I wanted to give a little update and then a little post will follow with exciting news. First thing first, I will start off with my darling little Shiloh. Shiloh is as crazy and funny as always. She loves to sing and dance like a wild woman and sometimes the songs that she comes up with make me roll on the floor laughing. Her genius is growing day by day and this year we are going to try to reign in her imaginative energy by doing preschool two days a week. So far she loves it and asks everyday when she is going to school again. I made a little calendar and put it on her wall so she can see when "school" days are. We are sad that we cannot go to her Tuesday book club anymore, but something had to give. We still do zoo days and try to go to as many activities in the city as we can. She is taking ballet one night a week and loves to dance.

I am well, still working and trying to maintain sanity. :-) It has been an adjustment in running the home and being both parents at once. I feel that I have my feet under me now and my emotions are in check. Some days I get lonely, but for the most part we are mushing on with life. We enjoy our skype dates with daddy and usually play a game or to with him. Technology is amazing!! Besides working and being a mommy, I have kept busy with projects. Projects are my release method for built up stress or tension. I deal best with stress when I have a paint brush or hammer in my hand. I may have missed my calling. :-) My projects have all gone off well until I tried to tackle the basement bathroom. Now we are at a stand still with no walls or toilet. Ugh... I need Holmes on Homes!

Steven is well and working through his school and training. We are so proud of how well he did in basic training! Seeing him giving his flight orders and assisting the instructors in handing out the graduation medals to the other airman was amazing. I have always know that Steven would do well and seeing him in that environment was really surreal but meaningful. This has been a life changing experience and we are so grateful to the Lord for His faithfulness and provision.

Here We Are

I wanted to keep my friends and family up on where we are with our adoption, Steven leaving, and my plans to remain sane. I feel like this next six months is really going to be a true test of what I am made of and I hope to myself if to no one else, I can prove that I am not as weak and frail as I have felt this last week.

We are cruising right along in the waiting phase of our adoption. All the paper work is in, we are still lacking a few funds (a couple thousand few) and are waiting for hopefully an approval on a matching grant. We had an amazing fundraiser just before Valentine's day where we were blessed with about $6,000. We were just so amazed and loved on by our friends. We recently had a Chik-fil-A spirit night which was fun. I would really have liked to had more people come by, but I was super happy for the ones that I saw and we brought in about $900 of business that night. Now it is just up in the air as to what happens next. I am not planning on doing any fundraisers, except maybe another online fundraiser while Steven is gone, but we are open to getting into a contract during that time with either adoption agency that we are connected with. In the meantime we are getting our crib ready (thanks to my sister in law) and finishing a few much needed projects around the house and just waiting.

Steven's departure for Air Force basic training is sneaking up on us in a fast way. I can hardly believe that he will be gone is a little over a month. I am in kind of a project/panic mode. I have several plans lined up as far as childcare for Shiloh, but the more I read about children's transition while dad's are "deployed" the more I just feel like I need to have plan A-Z ready. I am torn whether I should go back to days for a little while to make sure that she does well with it all, but I am not sure that is an option right now at work. Insurance is a factor since I carry it through my work, and just money and bills. So there is so much rolling around in my head, not to mention things like what am I going to do about taking call from work. It is mandatory and if I get called in the middle of the night who will watch over Shiloh? It is a lot to think of . I have been slowly hacking away at it for a while, but now it is in my face. Any suggestions, prayers, or offers of help are more than appreciated. I know that we are going to get through it because hundreds of families do this and so much more and have for over 50 years. It is just new to me.

It is all part of the circle of life right? I feel like I should be standing on a huge rock overlooking a vast plain with the sun setting and Elton John singing in the background. But that isn't exactly the view from my kitchen window. All in all I think that this will be the beginning of something new and hopefully rewarding to our family, but no one said that plowing a field is easy.

Transition Sunny Side Up Please!

Have you ever heard the cliche`that "every season has a reason", and "when winter has passed then spring blooms a new rose"? I have to admit that when it comes to life and transition in general I tend to be a glass is half empty type of person. I like to think of myself as a happy person, but I would be lying if I always saw the sunny side of situations. This could have been a learned habit that my profession has instilled in me. Being a nurse in surgery means that you are usually seeing people in their worst moments and the outcomes are not always what you expected. Before that I worked in a pediatric psychiatric facility, and boy oh boy I saw some doozies. The things that people do to children makes me an advocate for government forced sterilization sometimes. ( Of course that is not right, but for real!) Theses atmospheres tends to layer you with a hard shell and can dull your optimism over the years. I also think that life and some of it's difficulty can set you up to look at your glass and hope that there is a faucet close, or you will die of thirst. For me I think that it is a combination of both. However I am determined that even if the glass is half empty, that I will expect for it to be replenished or that I will have the grace to fast. I refuse to allow my heart to slip down the slope of bitterness which can lead to heart ache and ultimately physical illness.

In the Cooper house we are in a season of transition!! I feel more positive as we enter into 2012 as a season of moving forwards, even though it looks a little strange.Steven and I are preparing to be parents to an infant (or two) and that is exciting. However we are also preparing to be separated for 6 months, and that isn't so exciting.  With a new baby on the horizon we are preparing our home in many ways. We are transitioning Shiloh into a new room and making her old room into a nursery again. This requires me to go through a lot of stored stuff and clean it out. This is hard for me since I inherited a little bit of what I like to call a spirit of remembering. Steven on the other hand likes to call it being a pack rat.:-) I try to keep it under control, there are still boxes of old pictures and crafting supplies. I am not sure what to do with all these photos and as much as I would love to be crafty, there are just not enough hours in my days. So my job is to transition from "remembering" to having more space for more little ones. I am determined though and after all what is more important stuff that reminds me of the past or things for the little one that is the future for our little family?

Shiloh is going to transition from being an only child to a full blown big sister. I know that she is going to be amazing, but it may not be so pretty in the beginning. I have been praying for her little heart to fully accept her new sibling and  we are teaching her to pray now for our baby. It is really precious to hear her pray for our baby and to see that she is starting to understand this process and also a little bit that she also was adopted. We have started talking about tummy mommies and how she came to be in our family. It is funny talking to a three year old about  such deep things. A conversation will go something like this: Me: Shiloh you were adopted too. We prayed and prayed and God brought you to us. Shiloh: Why, Me: Because God loves you so much that He wanted you to live and have a family that would teach you about His son Jesus. Shiloh: Oh..., mommy can I have some frozen mango. I am hungry. Me: Ok, sure. It is kind of nice though, I get time to practice my answers for when we really do sit down and have a deep discussion.

I also feel like my heart is going through another season of transitioning from old patterns and thoughts  and digging in again. Everything that we go through teaches us and really just makes us revisit our own inability and our real need for God's mercy and His guidance in our lives. I get so busy in the stuff of life sometimes that I can go long periods of time where I do drive by prayers and little to no deep reading of the word. I hate that I do it, but there it is. I confess to you all that I am not the scholar that I would wish. But I feel that is why God brings transition and refocuses me so that the important things come to the forefront and He in His kindness leads my heart to repentance and calls me back to the thing that brings life to my soul. Him. I cannot tell you how much I feel him when I sit for just a second in the prayer room, or when we are listening to the teaching on Sunday. When you work in a secular field day in and day out, hearing the "f"bomb every other sentence and constant negative attitudes, it is such a breath of fresh air to come into the prayer room and just get hit in the chest with Holy Spirit and God's love over me. Even in the weakest moments or when I am so far away, His love is so strong. So let the winds blow and Lord be in my garden with me through all of this, for You are the only one who makes all things beautiful.

Ecclesiastes 3

 ¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 ²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 ³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 ⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 ⁵A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 ⁶A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 ⁷A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 ⁸A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

 ⁹What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

 ¹⁰I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

 ¹¹He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

 ¹²I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

 ¹³And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

 ¹⁴I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

 ¹⁵That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

Our Process Up To Now

I wanted to share a little of where we are in our adoption process. We started our adoption process in November by getting ready to update our home study. For those unfamiliar with the process this is where you gather everything that tells a story about your family (finances, background checks, reference letters, case worker visits, physicals, etc..) and have a case worker go over the information and put it into a document called  a Home Study. This document is required by every state if you are wanting to adopt. It is a state stamp of approval. By December we were filling out agency paper work and moving forward with that. We got our home study back at the first of January, and had a family profile made. A profile is a book that tells about your family in pictures and short narratives, that agencies show to birth mothers. (In private adoption the birth mothers pick the families) Once we had all our paper work in we started thinking about funds. We had been saving for the last couple of years, but we didn't save as much as we would have liked. We had a fundraising dinner on Feb. 12th that was a great night. We had a sit down dinner and a silent auction that was serenaded by the talented music of Rachel and Wallace Faagutu. The silent auction was a huge hit and the whole night blessed us tremendously in support and financial gifts that was over $6000.

Adoption is such a wonderful thing, but it isn't easy. You are petitioning the government of men and the Government of Heaven to be a part of  the redemption of a life. The very life that Satan wants to destroy and snuff out, you are stepping in to rescue. It truly is amazing how one minute you are apart and then next you are together. One minute you are strangers, and the next you are family. God is truly amazing!!! However, it is no easy thing to start this ordeal, and once you finish one step there are five more to go.
As this is our second go around, I feel a little more settled with the process, but it is still invasive and all around not my idea of fun. I am not a good secretary so the paper work is a challenge, and I didn't miss my calling of being a professional fundraiser. Though the means to the end are not the fun part, the goal and prize are well worth the effort. I remember our adoption process with Shiloh and I almost cringe. I was a nervous wreck and I am pretty sure that I just about wore my wonderful adoption consultant and my friends out. However, the moment that the nurse put Shiloh in my arms, I felt as though I would have climbed to the stars and to the farthest galaxy if needed to be in that moment. It was all worth it! The long nights of stressing out, the phone calls, the fundraising, the waiting....it all culminated to the most exciting and wonderful moment of my life. One minute I am just sitting in a hospital room, and the next thing I was holding a beautiful baby girl and I was a mom. I mean, come on!!!! She reached her little arm out of the blankets at us and I just melted into a pool of mush.Steven was crying, I was crying, the nurses were crying...it was a sight. Nothing had prepared me for the rush of emotions or the instant transformation of woman into mother that happens when you hold your baby for the first time.

There are also other emotions that the adoption process brings for me that are less glorifying. Steven and I are not like a lot of couples around us that are adopting, in that many of our friends and aquatints that have adopted have done so after having biological children. They have maybe 2 or 6 and yet they felt that there was still room in the inn. For us, the process is not an option, it is the only option. We would adopt even if we could conceive, but right now adoption is our conception. It is hard sometimes because the whole process shines a light on our inability to conceive, and our longing for healing and restoration. It is paralyzing sometimes when I start to dwell on the why's of it all. My chest gets tight and I just want to cry. I hope that this isn't hard for you to read, but in truth it is even hard for me to write without tears. It is what it is though.
The paper work and preparations are the pregnancy, and though my belly isn't growing, the longing and love in our hearts is almost busting at the seams. From the first pen stroke on the first form I fill out, I am thinking of our little one. I am not just filling out a form, I am advocating for my child. I am not just trying to keep it all in order, I am gathering the resources to bring my child home. It is very personal to me. Every piece of paper represents a step closer to seeing and holding my little one. Who will this baby be? Where will the baby come from? What will we have to do to finally bring this one home? Will my baby be safe? Oh Lord, please help the birth mother make good choices for my baby.... Please Lord, protect my little one from harm, or anything that Satan would try to do to destroy it's life. Every mother prays similar prayers, mine are not that different.
( Don't get me wrong, Shiloh is my child through and through. I am not trying to minimize who she is or how I feel about her as my daughter. Steven and I have often talked about how we almost forget that we didn't conceive and give birth to her. God has knit our hearts together.)
There is an ache in my heart and my body that I would be lying if I denied. We were created to carry life within our bodies. When that doesn't happen there is almost a vacuum left. I cannot speak for every woman in this same state, but for me I deal with it the best I know how. It isn't always pretty and some days are better than others.most days I am fine and welcome life with happiness and joy. But there are other days that this burden weighs heavy on my heart. I may not always be able to attend baby showers, or even be excited when I hear of another friend that is expecting. I will try my best not to show it, or to wear heavy emotions on my sleeves, but I will not always be the best at hiding my ache. I have tried in the last 15 years to keep my heart above bitterness, or even complacent whining. I have studied out the woman of the Bible who have walked this road and held on to the promises of God. It is possible to be truly happy, yet contend for more. I hope for the day that our love will explode into a life growing inside of my womb. I would love to be able to rest my hand on my belly to touch and feel the life with in.But for now,  I will touch my heart and hold on to the prayer that all is well where ever my little one is. I will rejoice in the opportunity for God to use me in a different way. To complete a dream in His heart, to fill a longing in mine. He is a master architect and I am merely a brick layer.
I long for Holy Spirit to reach into that womb and comfort my little one, to touch the birth mothers heart and softly hold her. There are so many emotions that rage on the inside, but I also have a promise that whether I silently pray it or shouted from the roof, I will  believe and hold on to until it is fulfilled.
May 2008- God gave me this scripture over my body. Whatever it looks like, however it comes, it is well with my soul!


 Isaiah 51:3." For the Lord will comfort Zion,
He will comfort all her waste places;
He will make her wilderness like Eden,
And her desert like the garden of the Lord;
Joy and gladness will be found in it,
Thanksgiving and the voice of melody."